For the past several weeks, I have been in a long, drawn out conversation with my sponsor. We've hashed out and re-hashed my situation and the boundaries I had in place for my safety when H initially re-entered the family home to live.
Unfortunately, the boundaries I wrote up landed on a hard heart, deaf ears, and a retaliatory spouse. When a good recovery idea backfires, my only known response is to hunker down and numb out.
I can't compel H to honor my boundaries. I can't reason with him to see the sense in them instead he sees punishment.
H's way is to sweep issues under the rug and pretend they are not there.
Something along this line...
It is just deception.
You can walk on it. You can smash it flat and unrecognizable. You just can not heal it or fix it.
After a really great 12-Step meeting at SA Lifeline today, I realize that all the negotiating and reasoning is making it worse. As long as H is not in real recovery, he will not be humble enough to talk out problems. They need to go away fast in order for him to survive.
My end goal is my serenity. I need to feel safe in my unsafe situation. The following is my attempt to protect me. I'm open to any feedback.
Boundaries:1. Personal Safety Boundary -A. I won't engage in conversations where there is cruelty, compelling, manipulation or yellingB. I won't be in a vehicle or store with you when you carry your weapon when I do not feel safe in the relationship2. Spiritual Safety Boundary -A. I will not engage in conversations that chase the spirit out of the homeB. I will leave the room when the spirit is driven out by yelling, or discord.3 Recovery Boundary -A. I will evaluate my safety regarding your recovery work based on the following:1. Humility2. Honesty3. Accountability4. Willingness to surrender to God
I don't know how to say this, but every time I read about how un-remorseful and unrepentant your husband is, I don't know why you stay. He has to be willing to work on it too. If he's not, you're caught in a web of his lies and deceit. You deserve to be happy. It is possible to be happy without him. My heart breaks for you, but I know you can do it. Be strong. God is with you.
ReplyDeleteI wrote an interesting post on boundaries a while back. It's here if you want to read it. watchingfromtheinside.blogspot.com/2015/06/painted-lines.html the reality of it really is that for boundaries to work they have to have immediate and in some cases life altering consequences for most of the general population to stick with them. What you've got with your above boundaries is a set up for him to follow you around nagging you, picking on you, and pushing you to respond (in anger) so that he can justify his treatment of you. He may even follow you into your safe places to 'prove' that in his twisted way he won't be controlled by you. May I point out that your boundaries are just like watching someone butt in line for concert tickets where you grumble to yourself or a friend but then drop it. Honestly think about what happenes in real life when someone butts in line for limited tickets to anything?!? That is what your response to a broken boundary should look like.
ReplyDeleteGreat post on your blog. You and I are on the same page. I cannot compel a consequence from my husband. If something is wrong or unsafe for me -- I get to walk away, leave, move or whatever I need to stay in serenity. There is a learning curve to boundary work.
DeleteIt sounds like you have put so much time and thought into these, and that you are doing what feels right. Good for you. I'm sorry it's such a hard journey.
ReplyDelete