C.S.Lewis once wrote, "When death gets close, you'll find out whether you believe or not." For me, when tragedy, trial or a test of faith come close, when I am face to face with a real, no kidding, I have to get it right decision, I am often brought to deeper level of understanding. Once thinking I knew that prinicple, I suddenly realize I wasn't even at the surface. I had one of these moments recently. I was given the opportunity to look at a make or break choice and choose something I never thought I could, or would choose. I chose to believe. Admittedly, I was surprised by the movement of the decision. It was spiritual more than mental. Most good decisions are that way for me. It is as though my eyes opened, words came and a choice, not previously presented or pondered upon rose up to light my way. In the days since, I have been further taught by that same Spirit that brought those decisive words to me that faited day. A sense of right has come to me. I didn't know that sense at the genesis of that make or break decision time. Still, as I continue on this path, the sense of rightness grows and I know it is good.
Tony Snow stated: "
We want lives of simple, predictable ease — smooth, even trails as far as the eye can see — but God likes to go off-road. He provokes us with twists and turns. He places us in predicaments that seem to defy our endurance and comprehension and yet don’t. By his love and grace we persevere. The challenges that make our hearts leap and stomachs churn invariably strengthen our faith and grant measures of wisdom and joy we would not experience otherwise…Through such trials, God bids us to choose: Do we believe, or do we not? Will we be bold enough to love, daring enough to serve, humble enough to submit, and strong enough to acknowledge our limitations? Can we surrender our concern in things that don't matter so that we might devote our remaining days to things that do?
God indeed took me off-road on this test. He indeed ask of me 'if I believe' and wanted to see 'what manner of (wo)man I am.' The more I come to understand God's ways and his desire for me to be like him, the more I realize how important it is that I learn from this turn in the road. If I try to course-correct, thinking that I know better I will not learn or grow. I've been in that place before. This time, more than any other, I need to follow this apparently treacherous path and 'submit'.