Bill of Rights

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Moving On!

I'm in the process of a big change.  For the first time in my married life I am at peace with it -- anxious for it even.  It surprises me to feel this free.  For many years I've tried to come to this point and have failed miserably.   Its difficult to separate.  Worse to divorce.  Bad stigma associations, failure fears, judgements, I could go on and on with reasons not to do it.  Then there is that odd issue of missing my husband when he isn't around and forgetting the fact that when he is there is this whole crazy emotionally dysfunctional thing that happens between us when he's there. (This issue is a whole blog post of it's own)

I see the path before me but my husband isn't quite on board with the path.  This is causing me conflict in reaching my goal.  We made this decision together several weeks ago.  We've been making joint decisions in that direction.  Now that we are at execution point I am beginning to see him struggling with the decision.

I need to confront this head on before we get further mired in the confusion.  I'm not good at confronting him.  I've spent years just being quiet and doing whatever he wanted.  Sticking up for myself is challenging me.   I'm working on it though.  As I continue to pack and separate I'm formulating my approach.  I don't want hurt.  I don't want pointing fingers or criticizing.  I want him to know that I love him,  I worry about him and pray for him, but I am not second in all of that charity.  I love me (I know that I am valuable).  I care and worry and pray for me, for my peace of mind, for peace in my heart and in my home.  And if -- my husband wanted to work towards that same goal we would never be needing to have this separation.

While I work on this speech formulation I keep asking myself, am I being selfish?  Is taking care of me, for once in my life, selfish?  Is setting boundaries selfish?  I worry about selfishness.  I am constantly evaluating this issue because of all the gospel principles on pride.   I have listened and studied so many talks and Ensign articles on marriage.  The common thread on marriages that don't work is pride and selfishness.  Is my situation different some how?

I'm not sure -- and wonder if I ever will be.  What I do know, and what I hang all of my decisions and indecision on is -- marriage is a partnership.  Temple marriage is a covenanted partnership.  Partnerships require the effort of all parties to be successful   For at least the past two years I have tried to carry the whole load on my own.  I have asked for help and received silence.   I am taking that silence as permission for me to make my own choice.  I am stepping out into this dark unknown on my own and pray the answers and the validation will come as I continue to seek the Lord's will as I travel this path.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Calling a Spade, A Spade

This is a post that has been sitting in my draft folder for two years. In fact, most of the posts have been sitting in that same folder.  I'm getting them out now and hoping they help me in the telling -- and you as you walk this journey with me.

This is a story about telling the truth.  Not his truth, mine.  It's a post about getting real and accepting.  It's a post that I have stared at for a long time wondering if I should hit the delete or keep on going.

Today, I'm going to get real.
Today, I'm going to call a spade -- a spade.
Today, I'm going to tell a story about a girl who married a man with sexual additions.

This story might take a long time to tell.  I might take me a while because this is a story I have kept inside me and never wanted anyone to hear.  In fact, I was afraid of owning it myself.  Which is why this story is buried in this blog and not the first entry.

Here's my story:

I have been married 24 years and until this past year I did not even have a name to call what was happening to me.  I felt like something wasn't right and I was powerless to fix it.  Until this year. Finally, after 24 years, and more hurt than any soul should bear,  I found me and I found a way out.

In truth, it doesn't matter what he did so that isn't part of this story.  It won't make anyone feel better to hear details of a marriage of infidelity or sexual addictions.  It won't make anyone feel better to hear how the pain tore up a daughter of God -- and her children.  It won't make me feel better to tell it, so that isn't the story I will write.  The story I want to tell is how love, faith, hard work and a bit of getting real, calling it what it is, has shown me peace I didn't think I would ever find.  It hasn't changed the story, or what happened, or the person who brought all the pain my way.  It has changed me --- and if going through all of this has brought me to who I am now, shown me who I can become, then I am so grateful the Lord took me down this path to learn what He wanted me to learn. be continued.....

Submitting & Coming to an Understanding -

Submitting does not come without its own set of trials and tests.  Submitting doesn't always make you feel better.  In fact, submitting in and of itself often causes internal conflict.  I am at that place again.  This decision I made last week tore up my little world and presented all of us with a set of feelings we didn't want to look at.  It brought tons of unanswerable questions and confusion.  

On one hand, I find myself lighter, the decision to believe and to act upon it was freeing.  For others, this is not the case.  I am torn.  I am in the middle.  

As I approach this age and stage of life, I would like to think that I am not still trying to learn so much about love and relationships. But, I just am. What I am coming to learn and understand is humbling me and very challenging. Over the past few years a particular trial has been placed before me. I have not born it well. In fact, I have had to repeat the lesson over and over. Until I am almost at the point of despair and turning away from the blessing that could come of it. Have you ever been in love? I have and I haven't done a very good job of it for a long while. In fact, I haven't really understood it at all. This gets ahead of my story and beginnings are always the best place to start.

I had a Cinderella story stored way back in my heart.  From the time that I was a little girl I fed details into my story.  As I grew I altered the details to fit me as I awaited the day they would all come true.  I believed that day would happen -- and never doubted -- though it was a long time off.   I didn't marry until my 30th year.  The man I chose to love brought incredible joy into my life and incredible pain.  (There is a story about opposition here, but I will save that for later.)  As our life together started it shattered the story I had woven over the years.  Pieces of the story broke irreparably.  I would never get back what was taken or what was undone.  I had only one choice but to press forward as best I could and hope the damaged pieces wouldn't cause a conflict I couldn't resolve.

Pressing forward (another phrase I could give hours to) is not as easy as one thinks.  When you have a story or a plan that you spent years detailing out it is difficult to not trip and fall over the unexpected change in plot.   The details etched in place over childhood and youth do not always adjust with grace.  A little girl's Cinderella story is full of emotion and feeling.  Feelings are not easy to change.  You would think love makes it easy to change.  It does not.  Love often can be one of the most difficult emotions to get around.  Its difficult to understand.  Its difficult to read coming from another.  The world has added a confusing dimension to love as well.  

Love, for me was complicated.  Years of complications, rough starts, mis-read signals, unrealized dreams, horrific trials all added to the state of confusion I was feeling inside me.  Until one day, when I felt the least amount of hope -- I was given a chance.  

I have a very solid faith-based set of principles I live by.  I was raised in the LDS faith, in a good LDS home. I was taught in my youth what was good and true.  I believe, as do most of my faith that God speaks to us each as individuals.  I believe in the principle of personal revelation, I felt I could find answers to all of my trials and get the necessary help.  I felt I knew just what the path was I should take and what was required to get where I was going.   If all of that is true -- why do I struggle so much to make sense of what I am going through?