At that time, H was deep into acting out. My first reaction was something like; 'Great! This will go over like a lead balloon.' It did.
What the heck, right? I wrote up the boundaries, thinking it will help me define what I need to feel safe. It did somewhat. Today, those same initial boundaries are right here at the top of my blog.
H never saw them.
It took me about three years or more before I finally printed them off to show him.
He was angry.
He said they are punishment.
And left the room.
I felt stuck. I felt like I had no control or power even thou H accused me of being controlling. With some flip retort to the effect of; 'If you get to make boundaries, I get to make boundaries." For the next few weeks, when I made a request of him or needed something, he'd holler on his way out of the room, "That is against my boundary.'
Epic fail!
Until I realized what I needed was rules for my safety that have a pre-determined action I complete. No matter how ugly H gets when we talk, he is not going to leave the house. Either I have to go, or I need a response that I will follow through with; like walking away.
This is exactly what that new set of boundaries is for --- permission to walk away from the crazy-ness.
Wish me luck!
Now for the story. This is from a friend's therapist, shared with permission, in her words (minus personal information - of course.)
BOUNDARIES: Just wanted to share an analogy my therapist gave me when explaining boundaries. He (her therapist) grew up on a cattle ranch and he told me that when you move cows to a new pen, the first thing they do is walk, single file, along the wall of the pen. It doesn't matter if all the hay is in the middle of the pen. The will do this in a 10ft x 10ft pen or in a 10 mile grazing area. As they walk along, they push against the fence, testing the boundary around them. They are cows so they are likely to graze along the way, but overall, they stick to their survey of the fence. Once they find the area is secure, they will go to the middle, or where ever they want.
If, they find a weak spot in the fence, they will push until they break it and then all the cows will leave the pen. So you repair the fence and put the cows back in. You might expect them to go around the pen again, not this time. Now, all the cows will make a beeline to where they got out the last time and they will push with all their might against that fence. So your repairs need to be stronger than even the rest of the fence. The new fence has to be double strong. Once the cows realize they can't break through here again, they will resume their pen testing and then graze. However, no matter how long they are in the pen, if they find themselves over by that area, they will randomly test it again.
So it is with people and boundaries we put up. Once we establish a boundary, the people around us will test it, looking for weak places. If they find a weak place, they will exploit it. And then, when we repair the fence, they will try even harder to break it where it was once broken. As has been mentioned here before, the right boundaries often cause anger and frustration in people around us because they are used to exploiting our weakness in these particular areas or it simply means they have to change how they interact with us. But that doesn't mean we should back down. Rather, we should prepare ourselves for the push back, and don't waiver. And if we do break once, make sure we double our barrier in that area the next time.
And in reality, boundaries are healthy for everyone. They create safety for us and for those around us. Just like how fences create safety for cows. Sometimes the good they do is hard to see and we push and want to escape them. Respecting each other's boundaries is important in any relationship: work, kids, marriage, friends etc.
This is a great story, but then maybe it is just because I like cows.
In one of the comments in my last post, there is a link to an amazing essay written by that commenter. I recommend reading it. If your boundaries are working for you - I take my hat off to you. I know many women whose boundaries are working. Some because their loved one is in good recovery, others because the spouse is more willing to comply.
Likely, I will be adjusting mine as time goes by.
It's a learning process, right?
Likely, I will be adjusting mine as time goes by.
It's a learning process, right?
***Additional resources on boundaries can be found in Dr. Adam Moore's presentation at this year's SLC UCAP:
http://utahcoalition.org/project/how-do-i-set-boundaries-in-recovery/
What boundaries are:
* Used to define limits of relationships
* Healthy responses to violations of self
* In place as trust is rebuilt
* Protection against repeated harm
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