Will This Ever Go Away?

I just want to know -- will I ever be able to get away from the memory of all of H's actions?

This recent release of the Ashley Madison hack has put me in a tale spin.  Enough to finally get up the nerve to ask H if he had anything he hadn't come clean on -- he better get it out now.

One last chance.

He seemed clueless of the ramifications of his profiles all over hook-up land.

Ummm...your job -- your security clearance....if not to mention your marriage that is hanging by a thread.

Hello!!!


Back in my policing days I found him on the majority of these places.

It made me throw up and shake uncontrollably (and this is just the tip of the trauma reactions).

Some of his profiles had our home town and his name, information about children.

  and some of them...the most despicable lies about our sex life



This mess with AM isn't helping to keep all that at bay either.


My heart breaks for those that had no clue of their husband's debauchery. Their hearts will break.  Oh,  how well I know that pain.


My heart is still in pieces from this.

 - I am still trying to find myself -- the me I lost when the first disclosure knocked me over and each disclosure that followed distanced me further from that me I used to be.

 - I am still trying to figure out if I can stay in this marriage
      If I will ever feel safe to love again.


 - I am still trying to figure out if I've forgiven enough so that my soul isn't in jeopardy.  And let me just tell you, I am not a super saint when it comes to forgiving the massive amounts of infidelity that has affected my 26-year marriage.

 - I am still trying to figure out what trust looks like with H and in this marriage.

 - I am still trying breathe -- because whether you want it to or not -- a memory, a trigger, a pain, come sflying up in your face and knocks you back.  Down. Hard.

Thank you, Ashley Madison, Plenty of Fish, Craigslist, and the myriad of other places where cheaters find cheaters. Where addicts can never find what they really need. Why?  Why did you think this would be a good idea?  Does making money off of broken hearts, trashed marriages and families and damaged people make you feel successful in your business endeavors?

Because right now, right now while I am re-living all of this pain, fear, fight, flight, and trauma.  Right now while my PTSD has run a-muk....

I'm hurting -- again.