Sitting in the river is this majestic creature, pure white, stately, alone. The irony of this situation hits me with full force every time. The White Heron. I see them often where I live. I have watched them for years. Never have I seen them in groups like the geese.
Geese are all over the place where I live -- just like this -- with their flock. The contrast is striking!
I don't know much about the Heron (or Egret as they are also known). They are said to be monogamous birds, with the male being the nest builder. He begins to build the home and then seeks out the mate.
What I haven't been able to determine, is why I never see these birds in pairs. The contrast of the geese -- always in a group -- a family -- leaves a mark on my soul each time.
Birds fascinate me. Their life seems care free at times and yet, like all of God's creatures they have a purpose and a mission in His world.
Their mission seems so much easier to follow and accomplish than mine.
My life is more like...
A rickety, broken down, weed-infested, roller coaster!
Somedays, even with the ups and downs, my travels along the road of life are smooth. Other times, the ruts, detours and road blocks -- along an almost impassable course -- leave me to wonder how I will navigate the path ahead.
The past few months have been like that with me -- or at least like that with H. No matter how hard I try, I continue to find myself in the same space, feeling the same let down feelings, alone -- like that Heron in the water.
Tonight the struggle to hold tight to boundaries is not helping me. Every couple of minutes the thoughts return to my mind to call or text. Battling those thoughts is not easy. The truth is, I'm not even sure if it will make me feel better or worse.
Will the text bring on the gaslighting dialogue?
Will I be blamed for letting things go so long, when over and over I have asked him to reach out and include me in his life?
Will he make it about him and not take ownership?
It's too cold to go sit along my favorite river's edge, with the Heron and geese, to ponder this dilemma. Instead, I go there in my mind, battling against myself. Praying for strength.
The only problem is -- I don't know what side of the issue to apply the strength for which I have prayed.