When Talking Does Not Work

I can have conversation after conversation with most people. I can speak on a variety of topics, some better than others.  I might be a little shy in the beginning, but for the most part -- I like to talk.  To everyone -- except H.

With him -- 
I don't start the conversation correctly.
I say words that have a different meaning to H than to me.
I speak in absolutes.
 or my favorite "You expect me to align with everything you say"

Oh, the list of complaints goes on and on. 

I want to bring up an issue and find a way to resolve it.
H hears only complaint or criticism.

It feels hopeless.

We have this mess of a marriage and no amount of silence will bring resolution.


I read something once that made a lot of sense to me.

" Your brain has to have rich blood flowing in order to work properly. If you feel threatened, those resources are directed to a primitive part of your brain, the reptilian brain.

The frontal cortex, which deals with executive functioning, gets shortchanged. When your reptilian brain gets the majority of resources, your primitive or animal-like response is to feel compelled to win, as if your very existence were at stake, no matter how minor the issue was that started the process.

In order to improve your communication and your relationship, you have to learn how to rebalance your brain’s resources before those primitive responses create more problems for you. The frontal cortex is turned on when you are thinking logically or rationally deciding an issue. How does this information translate into action that can change your relationship? (http://www.marriagesherpa.com/blog/marriage/communication_arguments)

Oh great! I'm trying to resolve an issue with a reptile! 
     (no offense intended -- I need a little humor to lighten my frustration)


Seriously, now, I know I'm not always right. I know I don't see things from the same perspective.  My objective isn't to be right.  I'd like to see if we can make some progress in some of the issues ruining our marriage.

Mix in the hijacked brain of an addict and I just do not have the tools for this.  

I'm weary of the battle.  I find it is easier to just go to my room before he comes home at night and avoid interaction.  

I'd like to be happily married and feel like we fought this battle of addiction and won.  I just don't know how to do it without talking out some of the ugly stuff that happened, being willing to be real and vulnerable.

Time isn't my friend right now. The more time that goes by without making progress, the more distance, damage, and despair exists.  

I feel the need to remove myself from this as it adds another level of pain I cannot repair.