- Lately, my boundaries look more like this photo than what they are supposed to feel like.
- Mostly because H does not respect boundaries. He refers to them as ultimatums. When I bring up boundaries, I get a barrage of all things he thinks I am already controlling.
- I decided to do some study on boundaries -- again. I really like this quote and feel it speaks to the why and how of boundaries.
I got with my sponsor the past couple weeks to talk over boundaries. Mine felt outdated and in need of making more current to the issues now than at the time we were separated. She suggested I start with my triggers.
Triggers: sex, cell phone, money, daughter, work computer/phone -- maybe others -- and not in any order of importance. Just thinking off the top of my head.
Sex: I already have a boundary (of sorts) in place when I moved him into the guest room. This one I will have to revisit should the discussion begin about him coming back to my room.
Cell phone: This one is a big issue for me. It has been the source of triggers and problems between H and I for years. So, I got brave and broached the topic with H. He's always had a smartphone. There would never even be a discussion about it. I have a smartphone. So there! Needless to say, I wasn't heard and this discussion did not go well.
...and this is as far as my boundary re-work has taken me.
What would be the point of having boundaries that are seen as a control mechanism that causes even more contention in the relationship?
I'm hanging by a thin thread as it is right now.
..and I'm confused...
I talked to S about putting a browser protection on H's phone. (S has little to no understanding about addiction and we disagree on points all the time.) He thought I would be too controlling and taking away H's agency by doing so.
Ugh!!
Can I cry now? Please?
My life is in
I love you friend! ♡ I wish he respected you more. Please know that you are so very loved and so easy to love! ♡♡♡
ReplyDeleteLove you too. Thank you so much for all your support.
DeleteI love you friend! ♡ I wish he respected you more. Please know that you are so very loved and so easy to love! ♡♡♡
ReplyDeletesomething I've learned the hard way about boundaries is that they are nothing but lines. Just like lines on a street we drive on every day. They are suggestions. Easily crossed over for whatever reason. We as drivers rely on the people around us to stay inside their boundaries. If they don't there are dangerous consequences. He has to want to participate in boundaries you set or at least respect your right to have your own boundaries that he won't cross before any of them will work. The key to making any boundaries work is to have consequences that you can enforce. Dying in a head on car collision because someone didn't want to play by the rules then equals a year separation and counseling along with him proving he can treat you properly as a husband should before you are willing to continue down the road with him.
ReplyDeleteAlso a note on the filter. The idea of a filter is lovely. Again a boundary. Trust me when I say that if he wants to find a way around the filter he will. Every time. The internet filter in my house works wonders for my little kids who don't get computers... for my addict however it is the biggest joke of our marriage. The filter won't fix anything. Trust me on that one.
Your comment helped me tremendously. I am rethinking all of this more deeply now.
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