I spent some time today looking at a few legal websites.
It's getting closer to needing to make this decision.
Hurting.
That's all today.
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
MIA and Trauma
I know I've been MIA a bit here. I can't get my mind around the words that need recorded here. An incident occurred that sent me full force into trauma mode. I can't seem to find my way out if it right now. H and I have not been communicating well lately so working this one out is on me.
....and here it is more like getting past it rather than through it.
I started a new 12-Step program in the hopes it will help me work through some of my lingering trauma. I'll come back to this after I've attended a few more meetings and get better feel for where I think this will take me.
Now, in the meantime, or until the words can form, I highly recommend watching this video from the past UCAP conference in Salt Lake. If you have already watched it - or if you were lucky enough to attend -- watch it again.
Today -- trauma sucks!
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
Why Isn't This Working for Me?
I was reminded of this quote at group this past week. I stopped in my tracks when my eyes caught these words.
Am I so broken that I can't apply this truth in my life?
I got a text from H this morning, telling me about a Peter Cetera concert coming up. In another life I would have loved the idea of having my husband take me out.
But Peter Cetera?
I love his music -- but his songs would be so triggery for me sitting next to H.
H wanted me to make a fast commitment because the tickets were selling out. I had an easy out when he told me the cheapest tickets were $105.00.
Yay! for an overly practical nature. $105.00 for a concert is not a choice I would make with that kind of money.
Then there was this quote....
..and I realized I am in such a bad place with this. Love is not a healing balm for me -- where H is concerned.
Some of this is true for me where my WoPA friends are concerned. I have felt amazing love, validation and acceptance from my WoPA friends.
But H....
Love isn't repairing rifts.
I'm not even feeling love for H these days.
When he's gone, I can physically and emotionally relax. When he comes in the door I can feel myself physically tense. I start to guard myself for what might come next -- even if it doesn't.
Weekends.....
No! I'd just rather not have one when H is around.
This past weekend had me in tears.
We aren't functioning well around each other.
..and I am exhausted...
...so exhausted
But H....
Love isn't repairing rifts.
I'm not even feeling love for H these days.
When he's gone, I can physically and emotionally relax. When he comes in the door I can feel myself physically tense. I start to guard myself for what might come next -- even if it doesn't.
Weekends.....
No! I'd just rather not have one when H is around.
This past weekend had me in tears.
We aren't functioning well around each other.
..and I am exhausted...
...so exhausted
Monday, April 6, 2015
D-day Anniversary Numbing
This past weekend we marked a year with H at home. I spent the weekend numb and hiding and pretending.
It's what I do.
It was general conference weekend, and Easter and a reminder of a horrible disclosure all rolled in to one.
I hate these reminder days. They have become points on the calendar to mark time. I've stared using the dates in passwords. It just how my life rolls now.
I don't think H even had a clue we'd past this milestone. Although....he can tell you every date, place, and time his band played, every navy accomplishment, everything about his daughter from his first marriage.
This one fact is the why life with an addict is a very lonely life.
It's not like it would be the day to rub his nose in his past crimes, but is it that selfish of me to want him to reach out and say something like: "hey, I know this was a rough year. Thanks for sticking it out with me" ?
and this is why I write...
............because wounds nead air in order to heal.
Thursday, April 2, 2015
Trauma
A friend shared this story. It makes so much sense to me. It goes like this:
"A Church Leader shared this story with the congregation. He told about a time that he, the husband, caused a pretty bad car accident with his wife in the car. He was speeding on a major freeway---and even though she'd tried to get him to slow down, he chose not to. The car accident he caused -- going too fast and didn't have enough room to stop, totaled their car, and they had some whiplash, but luckily--no one was hurt. Well--he noticed that after the accident, whenever he was in the car with his wife, that she started displaying certain behaviors. If he started to speed a little, she would put her hand near his. If we went about 5-10 over the speed limit, she would grab his arm. If he sped more than that, she would literally put her foot on the dashboard, with a look of complete fear on her face. At first, as he said "cause he was younger and less wise", he thought it was because she had not forgiven him for causing the accident. But, after some time and prayer, he realized that HE had made a choice that had endangered the life of his wife, and that as children of God, we have every right to protect ourselves from being hurt again. This has NOTHING to do with forgiveness---but with our innate nature to protect ourselves, and those who need protection, from harm. As a loving husband, HE realized that he had to change his behavior if he wanted her protective instincts to not naturally appear."
This story resonates so strongly with me. Every time H comes home from work, or whenever he gets physically to close to where I am, I find myself mentally bracing myself.
This is trauma.
This study on trauma had this to say:
"A Church Leader shared this story with the congregation. He told about a time that he, the husband, caused a pretty bad car accident with his wife in the car. He was speeding on a major freeway---and even though she'd tried to get him to slow down, he chose not to. The car accident he caused -- going too fast and didn't have enough room to stop, totaled their car, and they had some whiplash, but luckily--no one was hurt. Well--he noticed that after the accident, whenever he was in the car with his wife, that she started displaying certain behaviors. If he started to speed a little, she would put her hand near his. If we went about 5-10 over the speed limit, she would grab his arm. If he sped more than that, she would literally put her foot on the dashboard, with a look of complete fear on her face. At first, as he said "cause he was younger and less wise", he thought it was because she had not forgiven him for causing the accident. But, after some time and prayer, he realized that HE had made a choice that had endangered the life of his wife, and that as children of God, we have every right to protect ourselves from being hurt again. This has NOTHING to do with forgiveness---but with our innate nature to protect ourselves, and those who need protection, from harm. As a loving husband, HE realized that he had to change his behavior if he wanted her protective instincts to not naturally appear."
This story resonates so strongly with me. Every time H comes home from work, or whenever he gets physically to close to where I am, I find myself mentally bracing myself.
This is trauma.
This study on trauma had this to say:
Wives of sexual addicts experience distressing symptoms in response
to the disclosure of their husbands’ compulsive sexual behaviors and
often describe the disclosure event as traumatic. The results of this
study suggest that a majority of wives of sexual addicts respond to
disclosure with significant trauma-related distress. The data also
reveal that years married at the time of disclosure and number
of previous traumatic event exposures best predicted total trauma
symptom severity scores. The study concluded with a discussion of
the benefits of using a trauma model to understand and treat wives
of sexual addicts following disclosure.
In the same article: "researchers such as Bergner and Bridges (2002) and Milrad (1999) state that many partners of sexual addicts display symptoms consistent with posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in response to the discovery of sexual acting out in their partners.."
I can find article after blog post after website validating the reality of this type of trauma. The difficulty for me -- is getting past it.
The trauma responses I am experiencing are consistent, in spite of years of step work and recovery effort, and in spite of H's efforts.
I feel hopeless. Like I can't seem to shake this off. No matter how much I try. Any small interaction with H in close proximity sends me physically running. I can feel the trauma physically. Nerve endings in my body start to over-react. My skin itches.
And this is so hard to explain to people.
In the same article: "researchers such as Bergner and Bridges (2002) and Milrad (1999) state that many partners of sexual addicts display symptoms consistent with posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in response to the discovery of sexual acting out in their partners.."
I can find article after blog post after website validating the reality of this type of trauma. The difficulty for me -- is getting past it.
The trauma responses I am experiencing are consistent, in spite of years of step work and recovery effort, and in spite of H's efforts.
I feel hopeless. Like I can't seem to shake this off. No matter how much I try. Any small interaction with H in close proximity sends me physically running. I can feel the trauma physically. Nerve endings in my body start to over-react. My skin itches.
And this is so hard to explain to people.
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
I'm Finished!
Almost two years ago, with a lot of questions and fear, I made my first phone call to a Healing Through Christ meeting. In these meetings I have found hope and healing as is promised each week as we review the 12-Steps.
I'm ashamed to say how long this has taken me.
I should have been writing this post a year ago.
Evidence of trauma is taking forever to get through your 12-steps.
Today, I am celebrating. I finished my Healing Through Christ 12-steps. I'm feeling the excitement of finishing, although I know that it will really be years before I don't need these steps.
This phone meeting has become a balm for me. The women I meet with each week have become dear friends. We've shared our hurts and pains and our joys and accomplishments.
Even though I have been through this book a dozen times over the many weeks I've attended group, I still have much to learn and many more opportunities to continue to work the steps.
As I was turning the page today, as I was wrapping up step 12, I came across a page I have never read before. I wish I had. These words would have helped me so many times. To keep them present in my mind, and in my recovery work, I'm going to record them here. Maybe they will help you too.
Healing Through Christ - page 146-47
Part of detaching is letting go. The following explanation can increase our understanding of this most importanat healing tool.
To Let Go...
To let go does not mean to stop caring
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the
outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
its to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead
to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes, and to cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is to not regret the past,
but to grow and to live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and to love more
(Author Unknown)
Now that I have completed these steps, my goal is to continue to work them and live them and share them.
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Running Out of Time
It has been difficult for me to come back here to organize my thoughts and feelings into words. The past few weeks have been not been good weeks.
After the disclosure letter issue, H and I had a 'discussion' about the process of a disclosure. As I was sharing my side of what happened and what I would have liked to experience, H determined he would not say another word or answer any of my questions (as he previously agreed) without a mediator.
As it ended up, if I couldn't find an agreed upon therapist, experienced in SA disclosure and LDS, by H's year mark, we would separate.
Time continues to pass without success.
For H, as usual, the issue is over (at least until the next one flares up). Swept under the rug with all the other issues.
---quite a mountain of painful issues piles up under that rug----
The more time that passes away since this discussion the less the issue matters.
Resources are limited here. I was hoping to find a local therapist that we can meet with regularly. I know others use a Skype option successfully. For me, it seems that buried pile of pain needs someone local to help sort it all out.
I am in no way expecting, in this past year's time, we would have resolved all our issues and completed recovery. I was hoping though, that H's efforts at recovery would bring less anger and more peace to our marriage and home.
Last week at church, I taught a lesson in our women's meeting on repentance. The following quotes are the basis for the questions I have with what is happening with H:
1. ...repentance involves not just a change of actions, but a change of heart.
2. Therefore, repentance means more than simply a reformation of behavior. Many men and women in the world demonstrate great willpower and self-discipline in overcoming bad habits and the weaknesses of the flesh. Yet at the same time they give no thought to the Master, sometimes even openly rejecting Him. Such changes of behavior, even if in a positive direction, do not constitute true repentance.
3. It is not uncommon to find men and women in the world who feel remorse for the things they do wrong. Sometimes this is because their actions cause them or loved ones great sorrow and misery. Sometimes their sorrow is caused because they are caught and punished for their actions. Such worldly feelings do not constitute “godly sorrow.”
As I pondered upon these principles, not in a critically judgmental way, but in a righteous judging way, I feel that I should see change in H in a way that reflects these principles.
In a General Conference in October 2009 by Elder Neil L. Andersen. He spoke of repentance with these words: "For most, repentance is more a journey than a one-time event. It is not easy. To change is difficult. It requires running into the wind, swimming upstream."
I understand how difficult this is for H, as well as for me.
Still, I wonder, should there be some peace in the journey?
Why is there still so much anger?
Why don't I feel hope?
I was reading a friend's blog the other day and came across this question in a post she wrote a year or so ago, that I wish I had seen then. The question is this: - If I stay, am I prepared for my husband to possibly treat me and my kids worse considering addiction is a progressive disease?
This is the question that continues to plague me as I round out this trial year.
After the disclosure letter issue, H and I had a 'discussion' about the process of a disclosure. As I was sharing my side of what happened and what I would have liked to experience, H determined he would not say another word or answer any of my questions (as he previously agreed) without a mediator.
As it ended up, if I couldn't find an agreed upon therapist, experienced in SA disclosure and LDS, by H's year mark, we would separate.
Time continues to pass without success.
For H, as usual, the issue is over (at least until the next one flares up). Swept under the rug with all the other issues.
---quite a mountain of painful issues piles up under that rug----
The more time that passes away since this discussion the less the issue matters.
Resources are limited here. I was hoping to find a local therapist that we can meet with regularly. I know others use a Skype option successfully. For me, it seems that buried pile of pain needs someone local to help sort it all out.
I am in no way expecting, in this past year's time, we would have resolved all our issues and completed recovery. I was hoping though, that H's efforts at recovery would bring less anger and more peace to our marriage and home.
Last week at church, I taught a lesson in our women's meeting on repentance. The following quotes are the basis for the questions I have with what is happening with H:
1. ...repentance involves not just a change of actions, but a change of heart.
2. Therefore, repentance means more than simply a reformation of behavior. Many men and women in the world demonstrate great willpower and self-discipline in overcoming bad habits and the weaknesses of the flesh. Yet at the same time they give no thought to the Master, sometimes even openly rejecting Him. Such changes of behavior, even if in a positive direction, do not constitute true repentance.
3. It is not uncommon to find men and women in the world who feel remorse for the things they do wrong. Sometimes this is because their actions cause them or loved ones great sorrow and misery. Sometimes their sorrow is caused because they are caught and punished for their actions. Such worldly feelings do not constitute “godly sorrow.”
As I pondered upon these principles, not in a critically judgmental way, but in a righteous judging way, I feel that I should see change in H in a way that reflects these principles.
In a General Conference in October 2009 by Elder Neil L. Andersen. He spoke of repentance with these words: "For most, repentance is more a journey than a one-time event. It is not easy. To change is difficult. It requires running into the wind, swimming upstream."
I understand how difficult this is for H, as well as for me.
Still, I wonder, should there be some peace in the journey?
Why is there still so much anger?
Why don't I feel hope?
I was reading a friend's blog the other day and came across this question in a post she wrote a year or so ago, that I wish I had seen then. The question is this: - If I stay, am I prepared for my husband to possibly treat me and my kids worse considering addiction is a progressive disease?
This is the question that continues to plague me as I round out this trial year.
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