Why Isn't This Working for Me?

I was reminded of this quote at group this past week.  I stopped in my tracks when my eyes caught these words. 

Am I so broken that I can't apply this truth in my life?

Love repairs personal relationships:  "Love is the healing balm that repairs rifts in personal and family relationships.  It is the bond that unites families, communities, and nations.  Love is  the power that initiates friendship, tolerance, civility, and respect.  it is the source that overcomes divisiveness and hate.  Love is the fire that warms our lives with unparalleled joy and divine home.  Love should be our walk and our talk."  (President Dieter F. Uchdorf, Healing Through Christ, Step 10, p.96)

I got a text from H this morning, telling me about a Peter Cetera concert coming up.  In another life I would have loved the idea of having my husband take me out.  

But Peter Cetera?

I love his music -- but his songs would be so triggery for me sitting next to H.

H wanted me to make a fast commitment because the tickets were selling out.  I had an easy out when  he told me the cheapest tickets were $105.00.  

Yay! for an overly practical nature.  $105.00 for a concert is not a choice I would make with that kind of money.

Then there was this quote....

   ..and I realized I am in such a bad place with this.  Love is not a healing balm for me -- where H is concerned.

Some of this is true for me where my WoPA friends are concerned.  I have felt amazing love, validation and acceptance from my WoPA friends.

But H....

Love isn't repairing rifts.
I'm not even feeling love for H these days.

When he's gone, I can physically and emotionally relax. When he comes in the door I can feel myself physically tense.  I start to guard myself for what might come next -- even if it doesn't.


Weekends.....

No!  I'd just rather not have one when H is around.

This past weekend had me in tears.  
We aren't functioning well around each other.

..and I am exhausted...

  ...so exhausted