Going No Contact

It's been almost 60 days since I stood on my door steep with H pacing back and forth in his torment. I hate to watch the battle -- but I know each time where it will end.

Impass

Stalemate

gridlock

Standoff

Dead-End

It is that moment when I know I cannot go any further. The conversation hit a wall. I had him with me and then suddenly, in less that a breath, he's gone. His knee-jerk reaction, his go-to, is to push against instead of ride with it to see where it might take him.

On that cold January night  -- he said -- 

AMPUTATE!

The only choice I was left with the was to go no contact.

• No texting 
• No phone calls
• No IM, PM, or messaging of any kind
• No message relaying through friends or family
• No Contact!

It has been painful. 

I have felt more alone than I have many other times in my marriage. 

I have felt a sense of foreboding hit almost every night when the work day ends.

And..I have felt peace.

It is an odd sense of not having the toxic behavior in my life on a daily basis. The conversations that go no where and the constant battle not to fall into the trap of being gaslit. 

A lot of things have happened while we have been in the no-contact period. Things I would normally call him out on. 

It has taken a lot of self-control on my part to let things ride. 

Here's what I have gained in return:

• Some private time to truly grieve (I'm still working this part through)
• Some mental clarity after all the crazy chaos has left the premises
• Some connection with my own thoughts without all the gaslit narrative of H's I have to sort through
• Time -- to figure out what I need, what is safe and what step to take next

No contact is one of the strongest boundaries I have ever set for myself -- and the most difficult.

After 30+ years of being with H it was kind of like this ^^^ stopping a freight train!

I'm still working my way out of the wreckage.

I'm still thinking through my plan.

I still feel that knife in the heart about 5:00 PM every evening.

NO TURNING BACK!

Steven Covey once stated, 

"I'm not a product of my circumstances - I'm a product of my decisions."

That is where I am heading today. 

60 days in.

It is decided!

I'm not sure where this road will take me. There are more decisions ahead that I feel strong enough to make. I'm forward facing -- not looking back -- not reaching out -- reaching on!