I stayed married even knowing H had been involved in a relationship with a woman from his previous job -- for years -- so that my little S would not be without his mother.
I stayed married knowing of the horrendous, despicable, even disgusting behaviors H had engaged in so that little D would not lose her home and friends that she needed so badly for her happiness.
I stayed married in spite of the most horrific betrayal -- because leaving is so freaking hard!
When you are a betrayed wife in trauma cooking his meals and doing his laundry becomes hateful tasks. Even though you are a stay-at-home wife and he provides for the family. The thought of being wife-y is nauseating.
Don't judge me for being a litle hateful after all these years of lying, cheating, hooking-up, whoring respect H gave to me...... I'm trying to purge pain.
I got a text for H on Tuesday with his laundry list for the week was a bit hard to swallow on the heals of his disclosure Sunday night.
I wanted to throw up
on him and his laundry list
He wants copies of 6 months of paid bills when we sit down to talk about the finances.
I'm mad.
Mad at being lied to these past months.
I'm mad that we've basically be fooling our ward family.
I'm mad that my life is going to drastically be different now in my church family. I don't want to be the 'divorced sister' in the ward.
I'm mad that he can't stay clean and sober.
I'm mad that he cannot be honest and get the help he needs.
I'm mad that he tried to blame our problems on me.
I'm mad that our children will now be from a divorced home.
I'm mad that my needs for friendship, love, intimacy, connection are ignored and discounted in addiction and now need shelved as I go through the next years without a husband.
I'm mad that I will be losing yet another home (This makes my third one because of his addiction.)
So much loss.
I'm mad.
Mad at being lied to these past months.
I'm mad that we've basically be fooling our ward family.
I'm mad that my life is going to drastically be different now in my church family. I don't want to be the 'divorced sister' in the ward.
I'm mad that he can't stay clean and sober.
I'm mad that he cannot be honest and get the help he needs.
I'm mad that he tried to blame our problems on me.
I'm mad that our children will now be from a divorced home.
I'm mad that my needs for friendship, love, intimacy, connection are ignored and discounted in addiction and now need shelved as I go through the next years without a husband.
I'm mad that I will be losing yet another home (This makes my third one because of his addiction.)
So much loss.
You have every right to be mad--very, very mad...It's OK to be mad! (It's actually one of the steps in the grieving process as I'm sure you know, and you are now mourning the loss of your marriage in addition to your grandson...) And as far as the laundry and the cooking--you don't have to do that at all for him any longer if you don't want to! I haven't done my husband's laundry probably since 1992 (and I rarely cook for him--my granddaughter thinks it's a holiday or what she calls "family dinner" if I'm in the kitchen making dinner!) In the Brene Brown 'Living Brave Semester' I'm doing, the very first thing she had us do was to write one or more Permission Slips. She said, "Sometimes the first step is giving ourselves permission" and "What do you need to give yourself permission to do, feel, or not do?" Giving yourself permission to do, not do, feel, or even not feel can work for anything in our lives! So you can give yourself permission to no longer accept H's laundry requests and tell him he needs to do his own laundry. You can give yourself permission to make dinner, specifically for you and D, but don't go out of your way to keep it warm for H if he's coming home late or whatever. You don't have to make dinner for him at all if you don't want to. You may still be married to him for now, but you don't have to let him take advantage of you, nor do you have to keep things going as they 'normally' have up to now. Things are different now, and you have every right to establish a new normal that does not include things you've done for him in the past as his wife. Give yourself permission to do or feel whatever you need to right now! Love you!! <3
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