It Is Finished!

Booyah!!!  

Wouldn't it be the best liar cure e.v.e.r. ?

Sunday afternoon after church we had a little issue with H and D.  I don't know why I try to reason with H when these things happen. It is always pointless.

This time, it took an interesting twist...

...a disclosure

When I liar owns a lie -- are they ever really telling the whole truth?

Is unlying really truth telling.

If an addict admits (because I don't really believe H is owning) a relapse, is he telling the truth?

I don't know about other addicts, but with H admission always includes, "if you had not....__(fill in any blame shift of choice here)_____".  

Is it really the truth if there is blameshifting or gas lighting?

In the Healing Through Christ manual family members are taught during their step 9 work to not excuse an apology. I think that instruction applies to owning a slip or relapse. Right? Wrong? 

If you have a broken addict brain -- you might rationalize and justify your admission.

Or at least H does.

I wouldn't hear it. 

Stop! Just stop!

You lied!

You tried to make me out to be the problem.

This is your mess. Your problem.

As I sat at the island Sunday evening listening to H explain his behavior I felt myself physically exhale.  I've been holding my breath 19 months on this issue. I've seen the signs; anger, denial, meanness. I've asked, only to hear blantant lies in response.  I've caught him. Denied it to myself, pretending to live like everything is just fine.

Only it hasn't been.

I know he's acting out. 

I don't know how much or how bad.

I just know.

Sometimes I wish my gut wasn't so loud -- or so right.

"So who is it'?  I asked.

"Is it more than one? Do you have several tapes you play?"

I grilled him like this for a bit.

I was hurt.

Of course, I wanted to know.

And then relief flooded over me.

It isn't me.

I'm not the crazy one.

I knew.

It was exactly what I saw when I walked into your room.

I couldn't sleep.

I couldn't eat.

I tossed and turned..

I hate betrayal trauma.

This morning...

I called my sponsor - check

I called my therapist - check

I called a lawyer - check!

I had a good talk with my therapist. She helped me to see and feel the peace of my decision. 

Was I anxious? No, there will be unknowns, but the decision feels right.

Was there conflict in my head/heart? No. I wasn't torn.

She promised me she'd help me with the co-dependent-getting-sucked-back-in that always happens when H is really sorry. (Not trying to be nasty here. He feels bad, I know that. Just not bad enought to get help, or be honest with me).

I know I didn't get the truth last night.

I don't expect it.

Addicts lie -- and minimize.

Today it doesn't matter.

The decision is past.

It is finished!