Will This Ever Go Away?

I just want to know -- will I ever be able to get away from the memory of all of H's actions?

This recent release of the Ashley Madison hack has put me in a tale spin.  Enough to finally get up the nerve to ask H if he had anything he hadn't come clean on -- he better get it out now.

One last chance.

He seemed clueless of the ramifications of his profiles all over hook-up land.

Ummm...your job -- your security clearance....if not to mention your marriage that is hanging by a thread.

Hello!!!


Back in my policing days I found him on the majority of these places.

It made me throw up and shake uncontrollably (and this is just the tip of the trauma reactions).

Some of his profiles had our home town and his name, information about children.

  and some of them...the most despicable lies about our sex life



This mess with AM isn't helping to keep all that at bay either.


My heart breaks for those that had no clue of their husband's debauchery. Their hearts will break.  Oh,  how well I know that pain.


My heart is still in pieces from this.

 - I am still trying to find myself -- the me I lost when the first disclosure knocked me over and each disclosure that followed distanced me further from that me I used to be.

 - I am still trying to figure out if I can stay in this marriage
      If I will ever feel safe to love again.


 - I am still trying to figure out if I've forgiven enough so that my soul isn't in jeopardy.  And let me just tell you, I am not a super saint when it comes to forgiving the massive amounts of infidelity that has affected my 26-year marriage.

 - I am still trying to figure out what trust looks like with H and in this marriage.

 - I am still trying breathe -- because whether you want it to or not -- a memory, a trigger, a pain, come sflying up in your face and knocks you back.  Down. Hard.

Thank you, Ashley Madison, Plenty of Fish, Craigslist, and the myriad of other places where cheaters find cheaters. Where addicts can never find what they really need. Why?  Why did you think this would be a good idea?  Does making money off of broken hearts, trashed marriages and families and damaged people make you feel successful in your business endeavors?

Because right now, right now while I am re-living all of this pain, fear, fight, flight, and trauma.  Right now while my PTSD has run a-muk....

I'm hurting -- again.

When Talking Does Not Work

I can have conversation after conversation with most people. I can speak on a variety of topics, some better than others.  I might be a little shy in the beginning, but for the most part -- I like to talk.  To everyone -- except H.

With him -- 
I don't start the conversation correctly.
I say words that have a different meaning to H than to me.
I speak in absolutes.
 or my favorite "You expect me to align with everything you say"

Oh, the list of complaints goes on and on. 

I want to bring up an issue and find a way to resolve it.
H hears only complaint or criticism.

It feels hopeless.

We have this mess of a marriage and no amount of silence will bring resolution.


I read something once that made a lot of sense to me.

" Your brain has to have rich blood flowing in order to work properly. If you feel threatened, those resources are directed to a primitive part of your brain, the reptilian brain.

The frontal cortex, which deals with executive functioning, gets shortchanged. When your reptilian brain gets the majority of resources, your primitive or animal-like response is to feel compelled to win, as if your very existence were at stake, no matter how minor the issue was that started the process.

In order to improve your communication and your relationship, you have to learn how to rebalance your brain’s resources before those primitive responses create more problems for you. The frontal cortex is turned on when you are thinking logically or rationally deciding an issue. How does this information translate into action that can change your relationship? (http://www.marriagesherpa.com/blog/marriage/communication_arguments)

Oh great! I'm trying to resolve an issue with a reptile! 
     (no offense intended -- I need a little humor to lighten my frustration)


Seriously, now, I know I'm not always right. I know I don't see things from the same perspective.  My objective isn't to be right.  I'd like to see if we can make some progress in some of the issues ruining our marriage.

Mix in the hijacked brain of an addict and I just do not have the tools for this.  

I'm weary of the battle.  I find it is easier to just go to my room before he comes home at night and avoid interaction.  

I'd like to be happily married and feel like we fought this battle of addiction and won.  I just don't know how to do it without talking out some of the ugly stuff that happened, being willing to be real and vulnerable.

Time isn't my friend right now. The more time that goes by without making progress, the more distance, damage, and despair exists.  

I feel the need to remove myself from this as it adds another level of pain I cannot repair.

Re-doing Boundaries

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• Lately, my boundaries look more like this photo than what they are supposed to feel like.

Mostly because H does not respect boundaries. He refers to them as ultimatums.  When I bring up boundaries, I get a barrage of all things he thinks I am already controlling. 

I decided to do some study on boundaries -- again. I really like this quote and feel it speaks to the why and how of boundaries.

"We have, as individuals, every right to feel what we feel. We have every right to express, not repress, our emotions. We have every right to set our own boundaries, but no right to set boundaries on others. No right to force our boundaries on others."

I got with my sponsor the past couple weeks to talk over boundaries. Mine felt outdated and in need of making more current to the issues now than at the time we were separated.  She suggested I start with my triggers.

Triggers:  sex, cell phone, money, daughter, work computer/phone -- maybe others -- and not in any order of importance. Just thinking off the top of my head.

Sex:  I already have a boundary (of sorts) in place when I moved him into the guest room.  This one I will have to revisit should the discussion begin about him coming back to my room.

Cell phone:  This one is a big issue for me.  It has been the source of triggers and problems between H and I for years.  So, I got brave and broached the topic with H.   He's always had a smartphone.  There would never even be a discussion about it. I have a smartphone.  So there!  Needless to say, I wasn't heard and this discussion did not go well.

...and this is as far as my boundary re-work has taken me.  

What would be the point of having boundaries that are seen as a control mechanism that causes even more contention in the relationship? 


I'm hanging by a thin thread as it is right now.  


..and I'm confused...


I talked to S about putting a browser protection on H's phone. (S has little to no understanding about addiction and we disagree on points all the time.)  He thought I would be too controlling and taking away H's agency by doing so.

Ugh!!

Can I cry now? Please?



My life is in  

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