Where Do I Go From Here?

H has been reading "Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes.  (http://www.amazon.com/Out-Shadows-Understanding-Sexual-Addiction/dp/1568386214)

He doesn't like it.
He doesn't agree with it.
He can't see himself in it.

What do you do when your sex addict husband doesn't think he has an addiction?

Where do I go from here?

Where do I take 25 years of sexual acting out, porn, masturbation, affairs, double lives, Craigslist, online dating and hook-up sites.  Where do I put all of that when H is convinced that addiction is NOT his issue?

This site had an interesting article for partner's of sex addicts here (http://www.sexualcontrol.com/is-he-sexually-addicted.html) that has validated what I'm living with.  Regardless of what H thinks or not.  Addict brains are broken.



Its time to review Steps 1- 3;
  1.  "Come to understand that we are powerless over the addiction of a loved one and recognize that our lives have become unmanageable."
  2. Come to believe that the power of God can restore us to spiritual and emotional health.
  3. Decide to turn our will over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.

These are my grounding steps.  I have progressed further in my actual step work, but it seems almost weekly I come back to these first three principles.   I can't do it on my on.  God can.  I will let him. When my spirit is lost and broken I go to these pages for relief and peace.



When my trauma is flaring there are other places I tend to go.  

Addo Recovery, Rowboats and Marbles and Maurice Harker are my go-to resources.  Maurice Harker often does a lunch hour webinar on Monday's that have been very helpful

For me it takes a balance of both pieces to stay in recovery.  I need to work the spiritual side as well as the trauma side.



We've also been seeing a CSAT therapist the past few weeks.  It's a little weird -- for both of us.  Too many years of LDS Social Services, I'm guessing.  At least this therapist isn't in denial about what addiction is.  So many of the previous counselors we've sought out to deal with this issue gloss over this like "you've got a dirty little habit."   don't get me started on that one......

This week's session was helpful in opening up some underneath causes for issues we have in our daily interactions.   I'm trying to trust the process.  We have years of life crap, childhood crap, addiction crap to wade through.   Its going to take time.  A lot of time.  H's mom was a mess and left him pretty scared.    H has been a mess.

I keep telling myself, "Give it time."



Time is my gift right now.

I came across the following quote one day as I was working my recovery.  It lays heavy on my mind a lot right now while I try to give all this over to the will of God and let the time we have ahead of us work to our good.

“It’s not the load that breaks you down; it’s the way you carry it.”
~ Lena Horne

If I don't want this next season to break me I need to be mindful of how I carry this load.  The changes H is trying to make, the therapy, my recovery work, all need to be carefully balanced.  
   

The is me -- learning to balance.  It's going to be tricky.



Emma Smith said, "Strength isn't something you have -- its something you find."

I believe that.  I've seen evidence of it is my life, in the lives of women I know who have endured horrible things in their marriages.  I admire those strong women.  I know they see me in the same light as I see them.

I've got this.  The balance.  The strength.
I can do hard things!