A trigger is a response to a stimulus. It is anything that increases feelings of anxiety, fear, or pain experienced in a previous traumas. It is often explained as "reliving a previous painful experience". Triggers can be brought on by sounds, words, places, people, or behaviors.
Of all the triggers I've death with over the years, the one that flairs up often for me comes from places that I know that H has been with another woman. It could happen passing through a town that I know one of the women lives in. It happens almost every time I pass a particular hotel sign.
This explanation helped me understand what was going on inside of me at the point a trigger happened:
"When you are in the middle of a trauma betrayal reaction, you are actually under the control of a different part of your brain. This part of your brain is like an emergency override system that takes precedence over your higher reasoning centers when danger is sensed. Your body’s go to responses when activated by that part of your brain are flight, fright, or freeze. Unfortunately, once activated your brain and body are flooded with chemicals that impel you to some version of those go to responses."
(source: http://www.drjanicecaudill.com/blog/understanding-betrayal-trauma-trauma-triggers-for-partners-of-sex-addicts.html)
There is both an emotional and a physical reaction to a trigger. It's painful. It's confusing. It causes conflict in the brain resulting in a fight, flight or freeze reaction. Triggers can happen internally and externally. The body response is the same no matter what initiates the trigger.
This graphic give a good visual of how triggers work:
I've explain the physical sensation I experience as an electrical current that runs through my body system. It feels like a shock. As the emotion runs through me I can physically follow its course through my body until it settles in the pit of my stomach. Shaking starts immediately. I feel my blood pressure rise. Breathing is unsettled. At times this all happens before I can connect to its genesis.
When the trigger hit this weekend H and I were traveling to an event for our business. This area is a good 90 minutes from our home. It's not a trigger I run into frequently, like the hotel sign. Still there it was. This time, instead of me fighting it through alone. H, realizing that I might be having trouble, reached over and apologized for the pain I might be experiencing.
He let me ask him a few questions. He offered a way for me to replace the trigger so that if we ever travel this way again the pain would be lessened. I wasn't ready to take him up on his offer, but I appreciated it in spite of my unresolved fears.
I'd like to think that this helped H too. Even though it required a lot of him to step out of his comfort zone and bring up the issue. I'd like to think that being able to talk about it without shaming helped us both.
I know not every trigger situation will be as easy to work through. Often they happen when I'm alone requiring me to fight them off without H's support. I recognize also, that H might not always be in a good place when trigger happens. Those times might exacerbate the triggery feelings.
But this time -- this weekend -- this trigger -- this was a huge victory for both of us.
We needed this win. We needed an experience to bond us together in this test. To prove that we can rise above.
Today -- I am celebrating a small victory.
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