Why Is Emotional Pain So Physical?

Some where inside my head lies the region known as "the anterior insula  and anterior cingulate cortex."  When pain occurs, regardless of the cause, this location of the brain activates and hurt is felt.  This is the reason why breaks ups hurt - literally.  Embarrassment in social settings hurt -- literally.  Likewise, when you stub your toe you'll have both a physical and emotional pain experience.



Day 2 of some pretty intense emotional pain.

I try to stay busy, but the hurt still sneaks through.
I try to write, but the hurt sneaks out of me and falls through my eyes.
I want to feel normal, but I can't until I give this break time to heal.

I've heard that it helps to think of a broken heart like a broken arm.  You don't pretend that pain isn't there.  You accept it, and you give it time to heal.

The difficult part is being on the beginning part of time.  In the initial days of hurt, injury or divorce it isn't easy to see time as a gift.  

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“Everyone keeps telling me that time heals all wounds, but no one can tell me what I’m supposed to do right now. Right now I can’t sleep. It’s right now that I can’t eat. Right now I still hear his voice and sense his presence even though I know he’s not here. Right now all I seem to do is cry. I know all about time and wounds healing, but even if I had all the time in the world, I still don’t know what to do with all this hurt right now.”
― Nina Guilbeau, Too Many Sisters


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Right now I have time.  I don't have him.
I knew how to fill my time, when I had him.
I don't have him right now.  I just have time.
I don't know what to do with time, when I'm without him.

My marriage has been full of pain.  I've felt the pain of deception.  The pain of infidelity.  The pain of rejection.  The pain of separation.  I've feel the pain of abandonment.   Pain has been almost a constant companion of mine.  Yet in all that experience I have never learned how to deal with that initial shock.  That moment when new knowledge collides with what was thought to be true -- and now isn't. The discovery of a faulty belief undoes me.   

Whether H is an addict or a "serial cheater", he's brought into my life plenty of emotional pain.  This time I have tools to apply to the hurt.  This time I make healthier choices.  This time I use the knowledge I've gained trying to understand betrayal trauma to process the hurt in more positive directions.  

It will still take time.  
There will still be rough patches.
There could still be tears.

This time I tell myself:
  1.  This isn't about me.
  2.  I am not a bad wife or a bad lover.
  3.  I'm not ugly or undesirable.
  4.  I am enough.
  5.  I may be bruised and wounded from this life, but I am not broken beyond repair.
  6.  I will get up.
  7.  I will progress.
  8.  I will heal.
  9.  I will be happy again.
10.  I can feel badly for H -- but I will not take his pain and his damaged brain on me again.  He needs to find his own path forward, his own recovery and healing. 

Lost Pieces of My Life

My kids were over today.  I so enjoy their visits.  Even all the noise and the messes the little ones make.   Today's visit was different.  Unsettling.  Not because we didn't get along  -- because we did.  But because stories were told.  Stories I couldn't remember.

As S was telling the story, I knew he was telling a family story.  A story about my husband and children.  I just couldn't remember it happening.  Part of me wanted so much for it to be someone else's story -- not mine.  It wasn't a happy story.  It was a story with hurt, pain and sadness woven all through it.

It left me hurting and empty and questioning where had those memories gone and why I couldn't remember?  And,  if those two stories retold today are missing, how many other stories are lost as well?

Today I feel like I don't even know myself.
Today I feel missing and incomplete.
Today betrayal trauma has injured my ability to cope and recall my story.

I'm working my step 4, writing my personal inventory, and wondering how can I truly and honestly complete this inventory when I'm missing and incomplete?

My sponsor suggested I take what I have written so far and pray about it.  I've put the inventory on hold for now and placed my journal by my bed to read and pray about.  I'm praying I find myself.

I feel so very sad for those lost pieces of me.  It reminds me of the years of moving around during our military days and having all my belongings boxed up in storage.  The homes we lived in then weren't home to me because so much of me wasn't there.  I feel like that now and hoping the Lord will place that lost box of me before me as I kneel at my bed searching for knowledge and truth.

Disclosures Lies Broken Brain

I don't like trickling disclosures.
I don't like lies.

I had to deal with both of these yesterday.

I discovered some lies and a craigslist personal my husband had answered.  He lied about that.
I discovered him soliciting sex again.  He lied about that.

You would think after 25 years of being discovered H would learn that lies, cover-ups, deceptions, etc. always find their way out of the dark hole he tries to bury them in.

You would think -- except addicts have a broken brain.

The word 'addiction' comes from the Latin reference for "enslaved" or "bound to".  Makes sense.   The school of thought used to be that only alcohol and drugs could be considered a cause for addiction.   Researchers are now realizing that 'pleasure activities' sex, shopping, eating, and gambling can also be a cause.

In the early 1900s it was believed that addictions were some how a moral flaw or lack of willpower.  Punishments being the preferred treatment to 'break the habit.'  Our current mode of thought is that addiction is a chronic disease that changes the brain striation and function -- just like  heart disease changes and damages the heart.   The term often used for the damaged or broken brain as a 'hijacked brain."    Just like with drugs a surge of dopamine is released under the cerebral cortex when the brain registers pleasure.  What takes an enjoyable moment to addiction is the speed, intensity and reliability of these dopamine releases to the brain.

This is complicated further due to the fact that dopamine also effects learning and memory.  An important factor in the process of liking something to becoming addicted to it.   Dopamine interacts with  other neurotransmitters that take over the brains system of reward-related learning.   This particular system links activities needed for human survival with pleasure and reward.

I ran into this broken brain last night when I presented H with an email I came across on his phone.  Instead of telling the truth -- H packed and ran.

Here I am again trying to sort through the disclosure, the lies, the leaving again on my own.  Sorting through the right way and the wrong way to deal with these continual issues.  Always asking myself, "what would the Savior do?"  And alway wondering if I can ever say, 'enough is enough."

Is it ok to require honesty?
Is it ok to have boundaries?  Or are those ultimatums?
Is it ok to say 'no, you can't live here if you cannot stop what you are doing."

Sometimes I wonder if it is not just H's brain that is broken.  So much damage and trauma from all these years of never really knowing what the truth is.

I hear myself 'sigh' as I wander around the house.  The pain is audible.  I keep apologizing to my D.  Telling her that I just need to let it out so that it doesn't build and come out in other ways.  But I know it bothers her.  I feel bad.

Some days -- I really wish I could turn this trial in for another one.  Even though I know all the stores of how if all the trials of all the world were put in a pile for us to choose -- we'd still choose our own -- the one we are familiar with.  I still ---  want to see if I can feel more successful with something else  -- for a change.

Recovery Work: My Husband's Scriptures and a New Cell Phone

If there is anything I have learned over the course of 25 years of addict married life  -- it would be to give yourself plenty of room to make mistakes -- then correct the ones you can.

I am not calling last week a mistake as much as I'm calling it a big bump.  In the process of this conflict, I  have a chance to get back to my boundaries and non-negotiables, review them and work towards presenting them to H in a way that we can both be heard and respected.  


Learned lesson #1 -- It's ok to stop and back up when things get out of control.  Maybe not all the way back to separate houses (we have two and have to be careful here), but at least with enough distance to get perspective.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It took us about 6 days to recover from last Sunday's explosion.   The recovery brought with it a tender mercy -- my husband's scriptures.  I haven't seen those beloved books for a very long time.  He quit taking them to church long ago, and once he quit going to church he buried them under the dust and debris under his dresser.

I asked H about them when I noticed them sitting on my dresser Sunday morning.  His reply; "If I'm going to do this -- I'm going to do it all the way."  (I am learning to appreciate his black/white nature when it brings about good things.)  I was pretty speechless at that point, but I managed to give him a big hug between the unbidden tears.

Learned lesson #2 -- Let H know when you appreciate his efforts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

H needed a new cell phone.  I hate his phone.  It is emotionally connected to a very bad day and ugly discoveries.   I am trying to work through it -- except….

I discovered last night while trying to help him get everything transferred that he has names of women listed as some of his game center friends.

I have this issue:  My (*under construction) Personal Bill of Rights:

1. I have a right to never again share my husband with another woman (in any form) or in any way (internet, text, email, phone, in person, etc)

Quietly and bravely I said to H, "I'm not ok with you playing games with other women.  I'm really not ok with the games -- but if you are going to play them, please do what you can to keep your game friends to men only."     Shockingly H agreed and said he would delete all of the female friends.

Issue resolved.

Learned Lesson #3  --  Voice your concerns quietly and calmly with 'I'm not comfortable with ______"

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It hasn't always been this easy to resolve issues.  In fact, for most of my life it was next to impossible.  There is a huge piece of me that doesn't trust this.  I'm trying to turn this lack of trust over to God and allow him to help guide us through this recovery.

Boundaries Vs. Compelling Church Attendance

 
Does Attending Church = A Relationship Requirement ?


I'm finding setting up boundaries a daunting task for me with regard to one particular issue -- Church.

To me, this one issue is crucial.  Church isn't something we just do because it is a good thing.  Attending church is the evidence of our beliefs, of who we are.  It is the keystone of life.  Without this piece we flounder and fail in mortality.

As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints we know that one of the Adversary's main missions is to destroy the family -- which includes marriage.  If Satan can turn husbands against wives, if he can divert our attention to other things, if he can cause hearts to fail -- families will fail.

My family, my marriage has been in a state of failure off and on since its inception.  We started on shaky ground.  We started with lies and deception.  We didn't repair that faulty start -- and we've added to it over the years.  I don't want it to sound like it has only been bad moves.  It hasn't.  A lot of good happened also -- in between the mistakes.  This is what life is like in mortality.  We are here to learn from our mistakes.  That is the place I find myself at now -- needing desperately to learn from a mistake of not having God present, first and foremost in our marriage.

How do I fix this condition I find myself in without my husband reading this as an ultimatum or me compelling him to attend church in order for us to be together.  I am not wanting to compel.  I know the importance of agency.  I also know the only give we can truly give God is to use our agency to obey Him and become like His son.

All I know to do right now is take this issue to the Lord in prayer.

My Fence and My Boundaries (a page under construction)

This is a picture of a fence I have in my recovery journal.  The picture is from an assignment from one of my therapists.  The objective was to draw ( or find) a picture that represented my personal boundary wall or fence.  The reason I chose this picture was because it represents the lack of care for my personal rights, both by myself and by my husband.  It shows damage to the relationship and boundary.  Still, it also shows strength and growth as represented in the tall and strong trees and the green of the field floor.  At face value this image appears to be a sad or forgotten space, but when looking deeper there is still the possibility of hope.  I see my marriage and myself with those hopes in mind.

However, because of what happened last weekend I realized I needed to revisit the instructions on creating boundaries and a personal bill of rights that I was taught by Dr. Kevin Skinner at Addo Recovery (www.addorecovery.com) 

Dr. Skinner taught that boundaries are not at attempt to be controlling or mean.  Instead they are an expectation that you ask others to respect.   

Rhyll Crowshaw (www.rhyllrecovery.com) shares this on her blog;  "Boundaries are set because we do not want to enable our loved ones in a behavior that is, “Mood Altering, Belief Changing, Relationship Damaging, Addiction Forming, Socially Harmful, Spiritually Deadening, and Life Crippling” (Jill Manning) it is essential that we stand for our truth at ALL times. Boundaries are for safety and an expression of love for ourselves and for others."

Boundaries then, are a way for me to feel safe in an unsafe situation.  


My Boundary List (*under construction)

1.  Having my home free of language, images, jokes, etc that disrespects the spirit

2.  Having the right to my own personal opinions and beliefs.  Being able to state them in a safe environment without being ridicule or negated.

3.  Having a right to have a truth-based marriage in all areas of concern;  sex/intimacy, money, relationships outside of the marriage, etc.

4.  Having a right to healthy, wholesome intimacy in the marriage.


My (*under construction) Personal Bill of Rights:

1. I have a right to never again share my husband with another woman (in any form) or in any way (internet, text, email, phone, in person, etc)

2.  I have a right to a home where our LDS beliefs and values are lived, expressed, respected, taught.

3.  I have a right to remove any material, object, device, etc. that is potentially damaging to the Spirit or safety in my home.

4.  I have a right to clean, wholesome intimate relationship with my husband.

Dr. Skinner taught another lesson on "Non-negotiables" that was very difficult for me as I was going through his classes.  Setting limits was very difficult for me.  My husband always saw a limit as 'an ultimatum."   Working through my recovery I am seeing the need for a list of items that I will not yield on.

My  (*under construction) Non-negotiables:
1. My place is first; before work, children, friends, activities/events, etc.  
2. We will be a church attending, church living couple
3. I will not be bullied or manipulated in any degree or in any situation (opinions, intimacy, etc)
4. I have a right to express when I feel unsafe and have that feeling acknowledged and addressed.







List Disclaimer:

*The purpose of marking these lists as 'under construction' is so that I can take the time I need to ponder upon these rights and boundaries to be sure the cover and include all the areas that have been damaged in my marriage.  I was scared to death last year to make these lists.  As I looked over the material and listened to the sessions 25 years of doubt and lack of self-confidence convinced me that setting up conditions like this would lead to the end of my marriage.  I faultily believed that I needed to comply to my husband's requests and forego my needs to stay married.  I was wrong and I am now fixing this. 

Twenty Days

That's as long as I lasted.  20 days.

We were doing o.k. -- not great -- but o.k.  Until Sunday.

I lost it.
He lost it.

He refused to go to church.

I got triggered.

I asked him to leave.

We were only back together 20 days.

In some ways I was doing ok.  I was working on compromising.  I was working on accepting the 'disclosure' (if you can call it that) that was made during counseling.  I was trying to let it go.

Sunday when he realized he was stressed over a work assignment and hadn't made that a priority on Saturday  -- suddenly -- without warning or discussion -- it became one.

He wouldn't bend.

Go with us and I'll take the kids to the other house and we'll leave you alone so you can work.

He refused.

Just go to Sacrament meeting with me then.

He wouldn't compromise.

He was angry.  He was unbendable.

I lost it.

I don't want to do this again.  I don't ever want to go to church alone.

Boundary breach.

He took all his stuff and left.

I went to church -- alone -- again.  Just like I've been doing the past 3 years.

He came home too soon, I think.
Before we talked about enough issues.
Before we addressed his anger and how that scares me.
Before we addressed my issue with him and church.

I don't know if we can start over.
He feels rejected and kicked out.
I feel lied to and manipulated.
And I'm being blamed for the whole issue.

This was 20 day recovery failure!

Dig Deep

Dig Deep

Get Deliberate

Get Inspired

Get Going


I'm taking this course by Brene Brown and Oprah.  I'm taking it as part of my recovery.  When the email came in today about digging deep.  My first thought was, ' Yeah, I'm doing that."  and "how deep?"

I keep looking over these words for the assignment today.  Deep.  Deliberate.  Inspired.  Going.

I am deliberate about recovery.  But inspired?  I'm not so sure this is inspiring.  In fact it is more depressing at times than inspiring.

Yesterday at 12 Step we talked about Step 6 "Become entirely ready to have God remove all our character weaknesses."  I'm thinking about how this relates to these words above.  I'd need to dig deep to find ALL my character weaknesses.  I'll need to be deliberate about it -- prayerful even.  "Please Father show me my weaknesses that I might see them and have Thee remove them."

I have weaknesses -- a lot of them.

  -  I fuss at my kids some time.
  -  I fuss at my husband.
  -  I get frustrated when the counselor doesn't send me the topics so I can plan the hymns for Sunday.
  -  I look at Facebook and then remember I should read my scriptures first.
  -  I struggle with consistency with family home evening.
  -  I get crazy nervous when I teach RS and sometimes ramble (I hate this the most).
  -  I don't always have the motivation to clean my house.
  -  I jump to conclusions with family members  -- some times.
  -  I wrestle with fear and doubt where my husband is concerned.

Those are just the ones off the top of my head.  I'm not feeling too good about that list as it is.  When I kneel down to pray and get deliberate -- what will God show me.

I'm pretty sure I won't be inspired.

I need to get going but I feel stuck.  I seriously DO NOT need any more trials.   I already stumble with this issues I know of and am trying to work through.

I made a sign with this scripture to hang on my bathroom mirror.

   Either 12: 27  "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that ^dhumble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

I'm praying it helps me work this step.

Making it Through the Storm

A couple of years ago I was on my way home.  My father had just passed away a few days before, and my mom wasn't doing well.  No matter what path I took I was going to have to cross a range of mountains -- which is fine in the summer, but this was January.  For anyone that knows me, knows that I hate to drive in storms.  I feel claustrophobic.  The walls close in around me.  I lose my perspective.   I had been taught too -- there are some canyons that are best avoided when there is a blizzard.  This was one of them.

That's how it was that January night.  I was in a hurry to get home.  My sister called while I was just coming into the state.  Mom was fading.  I wasn't ready to let go.  I stopped for gas, said a prayer about which direction to take.  I wasn't that far into the decision when I wished like anything I had gone the other way.  The snow started coming down heavy.  Before long it was a white out.  I panicked.  

After a long, long while I finally got down off the mountain.  I was beyond anxious to get out of my car.   When I did, what I saw shocked me.  I saw all the sludge and muck that was stuck to my SUV - evidence of the rough time I had just been through.   My marriage has been like that for me.

During the couple of months my husband and I were separated I had a chance to look back at the years with him.  Even though I was away from that marriage mountain, I could still see how I was covered in all the muck and sludge from the trauma I had been through being married to him.

I needed a way to clear all of that off of me.  I needed to see the real me.  I needed to re-set myself and make a plan for how to go forward.  Much like the car wash I sent my SUV through,  I needed a way to shake off all the sludge that was stuck to me.  

Thats what recovery does for me.  Working my steps and digging deep into my journal, blogs and recovery books I am able to begin to wash away the muck. 

It is going to take time.   A lot of time.  I realized that last night during therapy.  The sludge that I waded through and the muck that splashed up on me is thick.  Its deep.  Its painful to remove.   

The blizzard I drove through that January night felt every bit like the blizzard my marriage has gone through.  Its been cold, and dark.  I've been frightened.  I often felt like I would fall.

The only thing I could do that snowy night and the only thing I can do now -- is take one step down the mountain and trust that God will bring me out safely on the other side.

That is the prayer I send heavenward every day -- and especially on counseling days.  Those are a storm all of their own.

Recovery

Recovery is still a bit hard on my ears -- even a year into my recovery.  Thinking I need to recover when I am not the one in addiction sat heavy on my heart in the beginning.  Looking back on this last year to the places I've been and the steps I have taken, it has indeed been a recovery for me.  Or at least the beginning of one.

In the early years the only thing I knew to do when my marriage felt 'in trouble' was to seek out professional counseling.  That never worked for me because it never really addressed the issues.  In all fairness to the counselors, it couldn't work when issues were buried deep within me and within my husband.

Early 2013, while on a business trip with my husband, I was sitting at the little desk in our hotel room reading email.  I happened upon an announcement for a free online class on Betrayal Trauma.  I remember reading through it rather quickly and hitting delete.  Then some where in the middle of the next couple of e-mail that phrase 'betrayal trauma' hit me like a ton of bricks.  Scrambling back through the places I had been I found the email with the announcement, clicked on the link and signed up.

What happened after that change me forever and set me on my path of recovery.

The course I took was offered by Addo Recovery (http://addorecovery.com).  I can not recommend it enough.  The terms Dr. Skinner taught me set me free.  The tools he taught gave me something to hold on to in tough times.  The education I received from those eight weeks saved me.   The women I have met because of Addo offer me connections to women who share similar experiences that bond us together in a sisterhood I have never before experienced.

After my eight-week course ended, I was given an opportunity to continue with Addo via an online group counseling.  In these sessions I was able to continue to work through the tools and concepts taught during the original course and talk through them with a therapist and group members.  It was during these group session I was introduced to the Healing Through Christ 12-step program.

I have benefited greatly from a combined effort of spiritual (HTC) and temporal (Betrayal Trauma) programs.  The HTC program fit well with the foundations of my faith.  Helping me to apply principles of the atonement as I worked my recovery.  Betrayal Trauma therapy provides me the language and tools to better understand logically the addiction's affect on the wife.

As I look back on this past year at what I have accomplished I need to state that I am in no way recovered.  Truth be told, I have just begun to uncover the damage of 24 years of living with an addicted spouse.  I am now comfortable with the thought of being in recovery and knowing that process will take years.  As I study more on betrayal trauma and work my 12-steps I am getting to know me, I'm learning better coping skills, better communication skills.  I am learning to set boundaries.  To have a personal bill of rights and to hold on to my non-negotiables as things I need to feel safe.

My husband in not currently in any recovery program.  In fact,  he has never admitted to being an addict.  I'm not sure if he ever will.  That doesn't matter to me.  What does matter is taking care of myself.  What matters is what happened to me because of what my husband did.  What matters is being able to get real with all of that for me -- regardless of who knows or who agrees with what I went through.  I was there -- it happened to me -- and that is enough for me to give myself permission to seek out a path of recovery.

Why do we need recovery?  All of us, the addict and the family members affected by it?
Here's the best answer I have seen:


(taken from a post at www.rowboatsandmarbles.com) According to the LDS Church, education is key to protecting families from pornography. The sooner members of the LDS Church come to understand sex and pornography addiction as it really is, the sooner they can take their rightful places on the front lines in the battle for the souls of God’s children. Rather than being helpless spectators, they can save lives and marriages.

Adjusting

It's been a couple weeks since my husband's return.  While there seems to be changes in him (in some ways) I am still adjusting and trying to cope with the triggers that keep coming up.

Like  --

  -- When he spends long periods of time in the bathroom.
  -- When he tells me he plans to spend the evening with me and instead spends it with his cell phone.
  -- When I'm not really trusting what he's doing on his computer.
  -- When he's at work I'm wondering if the women that have his work number still call him.
  -- When I'm thinking about those e-mail accounts the therapist told him to show me (three weeks ago) and he still hasn't.

The day my husband came back he told me he would never do anything to cause me to wonder or be concerned again.  My reality is, he hasn't a clue what that really means to me.  I wonder every day.  More so on days when he is at work.

I'll wonder and remain concerned until …
   ....every unanswered question is answered.
    ...looking back I realize I've never had to live through another disclosure bomb dropped on me.
  ….looking back I realize I haven't seen his profile up on a dating site.
  ….until I feel safe with person who was never supposed to put fear into my heart and soul in the first place.


What is bothering me the most right now is that I keep looking around the corner for this to fall apart.  Why can't I just believe?  Why can't I let my heart trust?  Why does this addiction damage a wife's heart so much that good times and positive changes are so difficult to hold on to?

Betrayal Trauma and Trying Again

I need to update my blog.
I need to explain what happened.

The last post I made was short -- painful -- the end.
I thought.
Something changed.

Early the following morning I started receiving texts from my husband.
Text with words like; "I want my life back. "  "I was wrong."  "I behaved badly."

It took my breath away.
I was frightened and doubted.

How did change happened overnight?  What does he really want?  Can I believe him?  Should I?

When you have loved one person as long as I have you do hang on to every word and every hope.  When you have been hurt by one person as much as I have you doubt every hope too.  This is part of Betrayal Trauma.  (I need to talk more about this -- but first -- my story.)

My husband and I texted for a long while that morning.  We talked about forgiveness.  We talked about a clean slate, a new beginning.  We talked about how hard it would be, but that we had to try.

He came home.

It's been 8 days since that horrible night.  I remember I didn't sleep at all.  I hugged my pillow and cried.  I tried to look forward to how I would explain this to my kids, to my friends, to people at church.  I thought about what I would do on New Years Day so that my kids and I wouldn't feed the hurt and sadness.  I thought about all that has happened between us -- the good and the bad -- and just felt so sad.

The real and raw truth is, I wanted him to get to that point.  I was tired of vacillating back and forth -- wanting him and hating him.  I knew I'd never get past this until he was ready to quit.   I wanted this so all the pain and ugliness between us would stop.   I wouldn't stop loving him, but maybe I could stop living the pain and craziness everyday.

He didn't want to quit.  I am still in a bit of shock with this.  I know there was divine intervention that night.  I know it because I was on my knees a lot of the time praying for help.  Evidently he was too.   I prayed for help because part of me really was happy when he was around.  At least when he was happy I was happy.  It just never seemed to stay that way.  Which is why I prayed.

I have heard prophets and church leaders talk about 'soul mates' or 'pre-destined marriages' as something that is just not factual.  Yet a part of me, wonders how well my husband and I knew each other in our former life.  What is that connection that draws us together so tightly, and why does it seem the Adversary works so hard to tear us apart?

So here we are 8 days later.  My husband told our therapist last night that he was happy.  He told him that he feels like he found his friend again.  It surprised me to hear that.  The hurt part of me doubted it a bit.  The current me is going to hang on to that and give this another shot.

I'm sure people will ask why.  My son has.  He's furious with me for letting my husband come back.  The answer to this question for me has to do with my belief that we are given all the chances we need by Heavenly Father.  How can I say my husband has had too many chances?   I know in my very soul I could end this and it would be ok with my Heavenly Father.  I know this is really my choice and either way it will be ok.  I'm choosing the path of second chances right now and praying for the Lord's hand to bless this choice.

I'm going to work on at unraveling the betrayal trauma.  I know that is part of what undoes me and makes it difficult to work with the personality my husband has developed from the lies and deception.  The more I understand this -- the more I will be able to hang on to the truth and make good decisions going forward.