Each week at SA Lifeline meetings, the long version of the Serenity Prayer is read. These other verses/stanza of this prayer until I attended my first SAL meeting.
Right now I am focusing on this one main point:
"Living one day at a time - enjoying one moment at a time"
This is the idea behind my surrender.
The truth is, after 30 years of this life, I know that hoping for, or wanting something that requiring the cooperation of another human being (think addict here) to make it happen, is not what this is all about. This is about letting go of needing anyone but me and God. This isn't about finally knowing the path forward, rather it is realizing that I am not helping myself by trying to make this happen my way. I need to surrender my life, trusting that God knows what is best for me.
I have been trying to force myself and H down a life path for 30 years, without success. It isn't working. I'm not achieving what I need and want from doing things my way. I'm sure H isn't either. I do not believe my expectations have been excessive. My ideas of honesty, fidelity, and love are what most people look for -- and even expect in a marriage.
Most -- but not everyone.
I am surrendering...
Someone to talk to
Someone to know -- and who knows me
Someone to laugh with
Someone to cry with
Someone who deals with the struggles of day to day with me
Someone who even takes some of those troubles from me
Someone to mow the lawn and take out the trash
Someone to help warm the bed up on cold winter nights
Someone to go exploring with
Someone who gets my music and dances in the kitchen with me
Someone to sit next to on the pew at church
Someone to fight with
Someone to dream with
Someone to grow old with
Surrendering is painful.
Surrendering evokes a longing for that which one cannot have but longs for anyway.
Surrender is choosing another direction --
when the current path is not taking you where you need to go.
Surrender is letting go
so both can live