Surrendering

Each week at SA Lifeline meetings, the long version of the Serenity Prayer is read.  I did not know these other verses of this prayer until I attended my first SAL meeting.

Right now I am focusing on this one main point:

"Living one day at a time - enjoying one moment at a  time"

This is the idea behind my surrender.


The truth is, after 30 years of this life, I know that hoping for, or wanting something that requiring the cooperation of another human being (think addict here) to make it happen, is not what this is all about. This is about letting go of needing anyone but me and God. This isn't about finally knowing the path forward, rather it is realizing that I am not helping myself by trying to make this happen my way. I need to surrender my life,  trusting that God knows what is best for me.

I have been trying to force myself and H down a life path for 30 years, without success. It isn't working. I'm not achieving what I need and want from doing things my way. I'm sure H isn't either. I do not believe my expectations have been excessive. My ideas of honesty, fidelity, and love are what most people look for -- and even expect in a marriage.

Most -- but not everyone.

I am surrendering...
   Love
   Marriage
   Companionship
   Trust
   Fidelity
   Friendship
   Someone to talk to
   Someone to know -- and who knows me
   Someone to laugh with
   Someone to cry with
   Someone who deals with the struggles of day to day with me
   Someone who even takes some of those troubles from me
   Someone to mow the lawn and take out the trash
   Someone to help warm the bed up on cold winter nights
   Someone to go exploring with
   Someone who gets my music and dances in the kitchen with me
   Someone to sit next to on the pew at church
   Someone to fight with
   Someone to dream with
   Someone to grow old with

Surrendering is painful.
Surrendering evokes a longing for that which one cannot have but longs for anyway.

Surrender is choosing another direction -- 

when the current path is not taking you where you need to go. 

Surrender is letting go

so both can live

Back to Bloggin' and Movin' On!

It has been way too long since I stopped by here long enought to add to the story of my life. Many things have happend. Some good and some not so good. 

Life is like that -- both happy and sad. 

After trying to do this on my own, I have finally come to realize there is value for me in visiting these pages, in telling these stories, both the good ones and the sad ones. Writing them down validates the struggles and successes. It paints the picture of how hard I tried and where I need to try harder. 

It was almost a year ago I came here to talk about being stuck. 

Stuck - unable to move. Unable to change. Unable to progress. Unable to....

Stuck for nearly a year.

Stuck trying.  Is that even a thing?

I tried. 
I tried counseling.
I tried moving.
I tried hiding in my room with the door locked tight.
I tried letting H in my room.
I tried.

There is a truth about trying that has to be told -- it takes two to make a try work. 

A month ago today -- I asked H to leave. 

Did you know leaving is not a complete event? 

leaving

noun

1.

something that is left; residue.

Something that is left leaves a residue. 

It isn't complete. 

Something remains to be felt or seen or to be dealt with.

Residue sticks where you don't want it to. 

It sticks even when you ask them to leave.

residue

noun

1.

something that remains after a part is removed, disposed of, or used;remainder; rest; remnant.

There is the residue of the porn he used in my home.

The residue of the lies.

The residue of pain.

The residue of a broken marriage.

It all sticks and it is difficult to remove. 

For the past year my life has looked something like this detour. 
Wandering into dead ends.
Starting and stoping and changing directions until everything inside me is in knots 
  and I feel lost.

It is time to stop this nonsense.
Stop ignoring the warning signs. 

It is time for a change of direction

So today I am changing direction.
I am finding a straigh path to recovery.
My recovery.

I am going to keep walking.
Out of the crazy-making.
Away from the lies.
Away from the betrayal.
Away from the pain.
Toward me.
Toward Christ -- for he is the only one who can heal this hurt and locate the lost me inside it all. 

Off I go..
Wish me luck!!!