The 4 Month Warning

It's finally happened.

I got brave and issued a

On April 4, 2016 it will be 2 years.

Two years since H called me on the phone, crying, pleading, begging for me to give him another chance. 

I wanted to throw up when I heard that plea.

I'd been there so many times before. I know how it always goes. The promises sounds so sincere. The tears seem so genuine. 
But a month (if that) later and it is the same angry addict.

(I know there is a little bitterness here in this tone -- forgive that -- its been 27 years of this)


I believed him. 
I always do.
But oh, I was scared. 
For weeks my hands shook. I had this gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach and I questioned. Boy, did I question myself.

Don't judge me. 
I may be crazy. 
Or it may be that it is freaking hard to tell if you have lived up to those covenants -- all the way!

How much is too much?  
When can I stop listening to those voices in my head that guilt me?

Is two years enough to see some change?
is going to church repentance? 
Is stopping acting out recovery?

2015 was hell. 
No  matter what I did. No matter how hard I tried to reason. No matter how much I tried to explain or teach -- it fell on deaf ears and a hard heart.

I just want peace.
I just want someone who I can work with. 
He doesn't have to be perfect -- just humble. Reasonable. Attempting to be kind and Christlike.




There never is a knot in my stomach when I get to this point.  
Just relief.


What keeps me tied to this rat wheel is......

 -- two kids
 -- two houses
 -- bills
 -- car payments
 -- the list goes on

It is difficult to get rid of property right now.

I refuse to just pack up and walk away. 
I've already lost too much being in this marriage.
I won't lose this!

I'm stuck.

But I gave him the warning.
I said he had until April 4th to get his miracle to happen.
I believe in miracles. 
I pray for them. 

I'm going to have to pray...hard....if he makes it happen. I haven't loved him for years with all his other women and porn in the way of those emotions.

Eighty-eight days.
That is all he has.

He had 730 days.
But he quit.
He quit counseling.
He quit working his recovery. 
  (I know he's working a lot and its difficult -- but where are his priorities? Where is his commitment to change and to those promises he made two years ago?)
He's not even working on getting baptized again.

It was May the last time we saw the Stake President. 
Maybe it's their fault.
Aren't they supposed to be helping him?

Maybe it's mine?

I don't know.
Where does help  and support for the lost sheep stop and his commitments and efforts begin?


It just doesn't feel right any more. Waiting on him. Waiting for it to matter to him.

And I hate that.
I know the Savior never gave up on any of us. 
I know all this pain and suffering has already been paid for.

I don't believe in the 'I don't deserve this' concept.
I just don't know what to do with all these feelings that this isn't right any more.


If you have any wise advice.
If you can read thought the hurt and bitterness and snark to see that I have worked hard at this marriage. I have prayed over it. I have been to the temple. I have put our names on prayer rolls countless times. I have tried.


It feels like a