I Want Normal!

For the past few weeks "I Want Normal!" has been my battle cry.

I want a normal life.
I want a normal husband.
I want to be a normal family at church.
I want to celebrate a normal Christmas.
I want NORMAL!


My life is anything but normal. If I was smart, I would get out my 12-step tools and use some of them to help me through this current struggle.

I don't know -- that might be too easy...'let go and let God' and all.

For the past 20 month's since my husband's return I have been looking for that time when I would be ok with the decision.  I just haven't. Every issue, every situation, every upset has been a reminder of why we separated in the first place.  It got so bad one day I locked myself in the bathroom and cried out to God, 'Is it time for me to go yet?"

I think Christmas cinched it for me when we got back from celebrating with family, H bolted into the house and right up to his room and went to bed.

What?????    Seriously?  Um? Christmas Eve?  Did you forget something?  Something freakin' important?


Maybe I'm being a big brat here. I mean, I usually do it all myself. Except that he is usually watching a movie with me. He's usually in the family room -- where I am working.  He's usually NOT upstairs in his room asleep like it is any other night of the year!


And then there were the photos of friends of ours on Facebook that made this all hurt worse. They just had their last child get married. Technically they have been empty-nesters for a few years, but now it is official.  He posted pictures of their cute little Christmas Eve celebration, complete with cookie decorating together and snuggling with matching pj's on the couch together.

I'm feeling the loss even deeper.  3.5 years and D will be gone. It will just be me and ??

I'm losing hope in something like this:






I don't know -- 27 years of despair are pretty hard to keep bottled up.



I was watching 'The Theory of Everything" the other day. Have you seen it?  It is the story of Stephen Hawking's life. (warning) I was triggered at first -- the girl is in love and willing to put up with anything to get the guy -- even knowing he only has two years to live.

**snif


Of course he beats all odds and then the reality of the we-are-so-in-love-we-can-battle-anything sets in.  First there is a guy that floats her boat -- and then a woman that floats his.  It is how the world sees marriage -- when it gets too hard you move on.

I could feel the woman's despair.

I'm not wired like that woman.  I've stuck this out for so long now because of covenants. I've had to work though all the painful reality of why I keep mine even if he doesn't keep his.  I've tried to 'let go and let God.' H's crimes are not my sins to pay for. Even if it destroys our marriage -- I won't let it destroy me.  I can still be a kind person. I can still try to make a happy home.




You can't force happy.
It has to come from within the individual.
All the baking, decorating, and fussing about the home to make everything perfect for everyone else -- will only be perfect if they choose.


I keep hearing Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin's words in my head




I know I am supposed to see things this way. I know I'm supposed to keep trying and stay happy -- no matter what -- but I am weary of it being always me