Emotional Separation

I'm in an emotionally separate phase right now with the H.  He goes along like life is just dandy, ignoring the fact that we  have this issue that hangs over us -- separates us -- distances us.

I'm familiar with this type of living.  I spent years like this. Wrapped up in my own cocoon of protection because the honesty I am looking for is too much for H to give.  

I need the honesty to feel close.
H withholds honesty to protect himself.

It's a stand off -- and both of us are miserable.  You can hear it in the impatient tones.  You can see it in the length of time we spend in separate rooms.  

Each of these situations point to the signs of Emotional Separation spoken in therapist's blogs and articles.  (Not that I needed those to recognize this familiar condition of my marriage.)

I don't think we are at the physical separation point -- unless I start pushing for information.
H will not be pushed.

We could go back to counseling -- but I would have to initiate that.

So I busy myself in my projects and my recovery work and wait patiently.

H. has been back to church a couple months now.  Neither H nor the bishop have approached the need to meet and talk over the past three years.

That's not helping the denial and the covering that H continues to do.

I read this once on Wikipedia (I know, not a great source -- but I like this idea) it seemed to fit my situation.


Denial of denial : This can be a difficult concept for many people to identify with in themselves, but is a major barrier to changing hurtful behaviors. Denial of denial involves thoughts, actions and behaviors which bolster confidence that nothing needs to be changed in one's personal behavior. This form of denial typically overlaps with all of the other forms of denial, but involves more self-delusion. Denial at this level can have significant consequences both personally and at a societal level.

Yeah, denial.  H lives in it and I hurt from it.

The nice side of me wants to be understanding and patient while H works through his issues.  25 years of this kind of patience has worn me thin.  I find I am asking myself daily if I am doing the right thing.

One of the gifts I have been given from this trial is the ability to be happy in difficult (and prolonged) situations.  I'm grateful for this. Grateful that each day I wake happy.   I know that God is aware of what I'm feeling and going through.  I know that I could leave this situation any time and it would be fine with God.  I've had that witness.  

For now, I choose to wait and see. 

I'm not going so far as to say hope.  
Much of that has worn thin as well.

Still, I do trust in a God that saves and rescues. 

I want that for H.