I Don't Want To Talk

I keep getting email from H wanting to talk.  I don' know what to do. H left 11 days ago saying he would not be back this time.  What kind of dialog can  happen after that announcement?

I answered him back outlining a couple of boundaries:
 1. We need to talk about dealing with my pain and my recovery in a healthy way --no blame or shame on either  side.
2. We need to talk about forgiveness and repentance so that both pieces of this are understood and decisions made to go forward. (This is a huge issue for us that is adding to the hurt and pain.)

H  did not see any good going forward without mediation via counselor or bishop.

I get that, on one hand.  Still, how much progress will we make with a one hour appointment per week?  Is there no other alternative?
Is it that impossible to talk together without help?

I am really torn now.  I feel all my worthless buttons being depressed.  I have lived a marriage of silence.  Silence exacerbates the pain we both carry around.  Communication, on the other hand would open hearts -- well it could if we were just willing to talk.

I was reading a blog post about affair recovery where the woman in the situation presented had just learned of her husband's affair.  Surgery was scheduled before any dialog could take place.  Unfortunately, the worse happened, the husband died.  The wife was left with no place to put her pain.  She had no one to answer her questions.  Healing for her, seemed impossible.

This story is tragic on so many levels. And yet, in some ways it feels so familiar to me.

The author of this blogs suggest three key factors for rebuilding a marriage after an affair:
 -  severing all contact with the third party
 -  getting answers to all your questions
 -  talking through the whole thing

I like this.  Except that we are not talking about one issue of infidelity.  Which explains why H is reluctant to talk.

H fears he will never get done with the talking.

It is not my desire to wallow.
It is not my desire to shame H.
It is not my desire to talk about, think about, or live in the past indefinitely.

It is my desire to heal.  To do that:
 - I need to quit hiding behind what happened.
 - I need to be allowed to hurt sometimes when triggers happen without that causing H to act out.
- I need to be allowed to hurt without my hurt (or my healing) being too much for H.  We both hurt from this -- but we can both heal too.
 - Most importantly, I need to be able to choose how I move forward, the path I need to take, and the amount of time it might require.

I just hope all these needs of mine aren't too much for H.
I need this -- or I just can't talk.