In Memory Of….

In memory of all the broken hopes and dreams.
In memory of all the tears I shed.
In memory of all the lies.
In memory of all the times I was cheated on.
In memory of all the nights alone.





I love white roses.  They symbolize purity and a pure love.
I wanted to laugh when H brought them home.
There was nothing pure about what we had.

I didn't though.  That would have been mean.  I don't want to be mean, unkind or ungrateful.  I wanted him to see that I was pleased and surprised.

He said he wanted me to feel special.
I wanted to die when he said that.
Nothing about how he treats me makes me feel special.

I said 'thank you' and placed the vase on the kitchen table.


This is what's left of that day, of my life, of my marriage:

  

It's H's birthday today.
I didn't call or email.
I smashed the vase the Valentine roses came in and wished him a happy day.


I'm worried the tone of the post is not a happy one.  I'm concerned this might be taken wrong.   I don't want it taken that way.

Because….

I have knowledge of the atonement and all this wonderful gift means to me, and even to my husband.  I have felt the healing balm from my Savior.  I know that he rescued me from the pain and anguish of H's choices.  He helped me to forgive and to love.  Mortality can be sad.  People do dumb things and some times those things hurt one another.  H is not his mistakes --- and neither am I.  

I pray for H every day.

I pray he and I both find the hope we need.

I pray we both find peace.

I read an article the other day that made me chuckle.  It was from a therapist's blog post (I'll find the link later and post it.)  It started out with a tag line that alluded to giving a couple permission to divorce.  Once the hook was in he said something like this.

To go ahead and divorce this marriage as it is now.

Divorce the pain and the hurt that is in the past.

Make a new marriage.

Fourteen days have past since H left.  I still have this hope in my heart.  I still ask God every day to save us.  Save us from whatever has us in bondage.  Save us from this world, and all the lies we've been told.  Save us -- and bring us back to Thee.

I trust that God.  I know what my Heavenly Father says is true.  I know not one soul will be lost.  I know that all of this will be worth it.  

Today, on H's birthday, in memory of the old I smashed all of that pain and hurt and memories to pieces.  I give it all to my Savior.   

And pray.