His reply was just as I expected it would be.
H will not fight for this marriage.
H said, 'there is so much broken with us, things neither of us can move past, I see no hope of repair."
How sad to see life too broken to repair.
How sad to see broken as some thing bad.
How sad to be so devoid of hope.
I like this person's take on broken:
I love these thoughts from the video:
….."Broken is the beginning."
……"Grief is like joy -- its not something you have to fix."
…….."You have to let everything fall apart before you find out what is indestructible about you."
H's version of broken makes me sad. I don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want to feel like I'm stuck in some place I can't get out of. None of that feels like truth to me.
Acknowledging my grief and loss are important. As is being able to talk about it in a loving and safe environment. Not to punish or shame, but for my heart and mind to find connection again and to heal. I am not stuck in a wallowing sadness. I don't spend every minute of every day thinking over what H has done. I am just not going to pretend these things didn't happen.
I suppose in H's mind he should be able to be free of his past and not have to trip over it all the time.
I'd like that for him.
It seems like for us -- both of those conditions cannot exist in the same space. This is sad, so very sad.
6:30 this evening H came in the door, looked around for his dinner plate, sat down at the table like any regular day. Except this wasn't a regular day.
I asked about his plans.
He sat little D down and began to tell her about how much I couldn't trust him or believe he's telling me the truth he was going to leave and he wouldn't be back.
This is what it looks like at my house when recovery meets - no-recovery.
One wants to hope, to talk, to believe,
The other sees the broken, has no hope, and lives in silence.
He left.
The third time in three months.
In fact its happened every month this year so far.
This just might be the last time -- at least he told D that.
We've moved now from emotional separation to physical separation.
Going back to those lovely words from the video… "broken is beautiful" and 'you have to let everything fall apart before you find out what is indestructible about you.'
Beautiful broken and indestructible -- here I come…..
Acknowledging my grief and loss are important. As is being able to talk about it in a loving and safe environment. Not to punish or shame, but for my heart and mind to find connection again and to heal. I am not stuck in a wallowing sadness. I don't spend every minute of every day thinking over what H has done. I am just not going to pretend these things didn't happen.
I suppose in H's mind he should be able to be free of his past and not have to trip over it all the time.
I'd like that for him.
It seems like for us -- both of those conditions cannot exist in the same space. This is sad, so very sad.
6:30 this evening H came in the door, looked around for his dinner plate, sat down at the table like any regular day. Except this wasn't a regular day.
I asked about his plans.
He sat little D down and began to tell her about how much I couldn't trust him or believe he's telling me the truth he was going to leave and he wouldn't be back.
This is what it looks like at my house when recovery meets - no-recovery.
One wants to hope, to talk, to believe,
The other sees the broken, has no hope, and lives in silence.
He left.
The third time in three months.
In fact its happened every month this year so far.
This just might be the last time -- at least he told D that.
We've moved now from emotional separation to physical separation.
Going back to those lovely words from the video… "broken is beautiful" and 'you have to let everything fall apart before you find out what is indestructible about you.'
Beautiful broken and indestructible -- here I come…..
I love you alecia! You are so strong! You are beautiful. I love that you're embracing broken and letting it show you your strengths. I hate that he doesn't feel hope. Sending hugs and prayers for you and your little ones and for your H, that you can all feel peace and your strength and find true happiness in the journey.
ReplyDelete♡♡♡,
Rebecca
Wait, who's blog is this? I love you whoever you are!
ReplyDeleteI'm so very sorry he left again and doesn't want to do the work to be able to find the hope. I love you. Call or message me if you want to talk.....
ReplyDelete