Healing Sick Souls

 “The greatest miracles I see today are not necessarily the healing of sick bodies, but the greatest miracles I see are the healing of sick souls.”-- President Harold B. Lee

My soul feels sick and in need of repair this week.   I would have thought after three experiences with H leaving that I would be able to manage this one.  But I am just not.

I can't  sleep at night.
I can't stop the waves of pain.
I can't stop the tears of sadness.

I know this is a trial that I am supposed to endure well.  I've tried, at least I thought that I was trying.  But, to hear H speak you'd think I was not at all trying and really the most horrible person.

In a recent email he said, "You have grown in your recovery from a recovering victim to a facilitator of recovering victims.  You have entered a world where you are needed and have growing responsibilities.  This provides you with an opportunity to help others by sharing your experiences with them.  This affords you opportunities to relive the damage I caused as your wounds may be re-exposed at these meetings.  That involvement may be healing for you, but for me, it keeps my past in my face.  Another way my past lives on."


It sounds terrible reading it like that.  He sounds disgusted at me and at the growth that I felt was a good thing.  Here all my effort to come to understand how powerless I was over all of this.  Here I am working my step 4 to make a full written inventory of my wrongs only to find out it isn't at all like I thought.

I never saw myself as a victim.  Now I need to question all my prior behavior to evaluate it against this viewpoint.

I'm in the middle of quite a pickle.  How can we both move forward from this kind of past when the affect of it has been so polarly different? 

We studied Lot's wife in Sunday School last week.  I've been thinking a lot about that.  I understand the importance of moving forward and not looking back.  Surely there is nothing in the past that I want to look back on.  The issue there is that it isn't all so very past.  For sure my view of the past is clearly different that H's.  

I've felt for so long that I was doing anything but moving forward.  I had no place to look to for healing or hope.   I lived each day trying to pretend it wasn't happening.  I couldn't talk about it with H, he forbid it.  He refused counseling.  I wearied every bishop we've every had, not that those options are helpful anyway.  So I just let time go by.

Until last spring.  
Until Addo.

I found truth and validation with Addo.  I found hope and healing through the Healing Through Christ program.  

H thinks I've found a place to keep his past alive.

Now his hurt is mine.
His unwillingness to live in it has become my compelled loneliness.

This is really messy.
This is going to take some time to process.
Luckily -- I've got a lot of that right now.