Step 1

" Come to understand and accept that we are powerless over the addiction of a loved one and recognize that our lives have become unmanageable."

In the beginning paragraph of this step (in the Healing Through Christ manual) it talks about being unaware of life being unmanageable.  The first time I read that I thought it was an odd way to start out. I knew my life was a mess.  I knew I needed help and that I was powerless over this issue.

I didn't need help with awareness, I needed help with the small little pieces of it that made it more difficult to bear.  I needed to take a long hard look at what I was doing that could be considered controlling, or making matters worse, for me, and give that over to the Lord.

Until Addo and 12-step I had the faulty belief that 'policing' and checking email accounts or phone records helped me deal with H's issues.  Foolishly, I thought if I kept an eye on things I would know sooner and be less traumatized by the disclosures once the lies made their way to the surface.   In this behavior I was every bit as much in bondage as H was with his behaviors.

It has been about a year since I started my recovery process.  I have 23 plus years of faulty beliefs to un-do.  I'm not going to get past all of this in one pass through the manual.  (I've actually been through it three times already -- and I'm still messing up -- still learning -- still growing).

Some one once mentioned in one of my 12-step meetings that I should 'work my life around recovery -- not recovery around my life.'  I put that quote on a sticky note on the cover of my manual so that I would see it each time I sat down to do my step work.   I've been trying to remind myself of this message especially right now while I struggle with H's absence -- and the feelings he has of my recovery work -- which drove him to leave.

My sponsor reminded me today that these issues of H's are normal pieces of recovery work and usually happen to the spouse that is not in recovery.  At least I'm normal.  :)

Step one also speaks of a period called 'Resolution and Acceptance as being a point at which we come to peace with our current situation.  Acceptance means we courageously face our fears and live each day with faith and trust in God to guide and sustain us spiritually and emotionally.'

During the first week after H left I could not raise acceptance within me.  I felt wronged -- again.  I felt like I didn't matter and the marriage didn't matter to H.  This was especially difficult to work through after hearing H tell D 'I will not be back this time.'

I did try though.  I got up each day and worked hard on the tasks of the day.  Initially the pain was still there and often throughout the day the waves would hit me and knock me off course.  Hard as it was -- I had a small piece of reassurance that I was not failing.  I was trying hard to do my best and by continually putting one foot forward -- even if it took an hour, or most of the day to move it -- it was at least progress.

Another line from this step says, "Emotional pain can purify our souls if we humbly receive the lessons our emotions can teach us."  I underlined this sentence at some point in my step work or during a group meeting.  It still feels significant.  I need purification.

One of my all time favorite quotes, one I've had in my file, and in my sig line in my email for more years than I can count is also included in this step.

   "No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted.  It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility.  All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable…and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulations, that we gain the education that we came here to acquire."  Elder Orson F. Whitney

I was telling H in an email yesterday that I believe with all my heart that a day will come when we look back on this trial and say we are thankful for it  I know this to be true.  I know that the lessons I am learning will be for my good and will teach me to be more than I could be without them.  So even though right now I struggle staying asleep each night.  Even though waves of pain -- physical pain -- come at me at the worst times, reminding me that I am not in a good place in this trial, I am still working on it patiently.

And that is good.