I'm wrapping up my first semester back in school in more years than I want to quantify out here in the open. Though the class was fairly easy for me in subject matter, I'm proud of that A I earned. I worked for it. (And I hope that isn't too brag-y---cuz I'd hate that.)
I hit a peak birthday year this week (again, one I'm not too anxious to put in type here on the internet). A couple years ago when I was looking ahead to this monumental birthday, I thought about some of the things I wanted to accomplish by that age. (Of course, back then I was still in huge denial about what was going on in my marriage.) On the top of my list was to walk the Camino de Santiago. I'm still hoping one day the stars align to make that happen.
Instead of walking the Camino, I started back to college which has helped re-define some of those goals I had back in the days of numbness and hiding. Working out my academic plans I'll be done with school right about the time my little D will be ready to head out on her college journey. That Camino walk might be a great adventure for the two of us then. It's something to hope on at least.
While I'm busy taking finals this week and dreaming about that Camino walk that never happened, I'm very stuck in my work on Step 8 (Make a written list of all persons you have harmed and become willing to make amends to them). Truly this step is not for the weak of heart. Some of you new to 12-step work might wonder why I am doing this, rather than my addict spouse. Isn't he the one who did all the harming, after all?
It's true, the majority of my life's pain and trials have been due to the actions of my husband. But I'm not perfect, and many times did not live up to principles or standards I should have held myself to (regardless of what H was doing). This isn't an easy step. The me I'm trying to become battles with the old me, wrestling with this whole process.
I'm not going through all of this for H either (and that can go on record here in cyber land). I'm doing this for me. Regardless of where H and I end up. This whole healing journey is my journey. I need this.
For years I lived in a cocoon, protecting and buffering myself from the reality of my life. I've needed this healing journey to come to know me. It has even at times taken the words and experiences of others to bring about that "oh yeah" moment for me. I've had a lot of awakenings; 'Yeah, I've lived that too" moments as I've shared this healing journey with others who know this life.
Right now, as I'm baking goodies for our last night at school get together, I'm thinking a lot about this quote in the manual from then Elder James E. Faust: "Only as we rid ourselves of hatred and bitterness can the Lord put comfort into our hearts."
I don't hate H, but there is resentments and frustrations that have not resolved themselves yet. New frustrations that get added into all the old ones that I hid from all those years.
To top it all off...
I have at least one more post in my queue before the year comes to a close. If I don't get back here before Christmas, I'll leave with this one last thought that I used in my lesson this past Sunday in my local Relief Society.
Merriest of Christmas Wishes.