I Can Do Hard Things!

This is pretty much how my weekend went with H.  Complete with the empty dialogue in the speech bubbles.   Really, it wasn't pretty.  

Something happened though, that has me thinking....

I Can Do Hard Things!!

I stained my deck.

I stained my deck -- all by myself!

This was no little thing.

I did not go into the weekend planning to do this job.  It was H's job.  But about an hour into 

it -- it all came apart at the seems.  

I don't want to stain decks, mow lawns, haul trash or do any of the things I think a husband 

should do.  I can do them, if I have to.  I proved that to myself this weekend.  Maybe this is 

an antiquated way of look-ing at things, but I think H should put some effort into this home 

he owns.  He should be willing to work on the jobs that home ownership require of him.  

For years, one of the reasons I was afraid of divorce was because of all the things I thought 

I needed a husband for.  I crossed one of those things off that list this weekend. 

This isn't a good thing.  It's sad.  

I don't know what is going on with H.  This isn't a new issues.  I've had problems in this area 

all my married life.  We have always owned a home.  The first one, belonged to H before we 

married.  When I got there, it was a nightmare.  

Red flag, huh?

Before I sent H to the store for another gallon of stain (twice what we really should have had 

to use) I asked him what was underneath this issue with him and jobs around the house.  It 

seems like they are always imploding on him.  Over the years we've had so many unfinished 

projects, project fights and paid handymen because its just easier than having to battle this 

out together.  

He's frozen.

He's dysfunctional.

When everything came apart, I knew that we didn't have time to stand around debating it.  

We spent thousands of dollars to have that deck built.  I wasn't about to have it ruined by not 

taking care of it. The season is waning, the weather turning, and that part time job that was 

supposed to be helping us financially was not what H thought it was -- at all.  Short of money, 

If H couldn't do it.  I would have to.

I stained my deck.  

I did it.

It was no small feat either.  I have a pretty good size deck.  It looks great considering this was 

my first time.

I'll be doing it again in the spring.  Just for good measure! :)

And now....

H is sleeping the guest room.

Not because he wouldn't stain the deck.

Because we rushed into him coming back home.  

Because its been a really hard six months.  Things haven't been right.

Because he's been lying.

Because of all the anger.

Because I haven't been right since he came home.

Because healing takes time -- and some times that means healing alone.

Because we can't work on us if he isn't working on him.

Because I need to work on me -- without H.

I honestly do not know what to do about my marriage.  I remember some notes I took at 

Togetherness last month in Maurice Hawker's session that I should go back and review.  

Maybe it will make sense of how to look at where I am and how to know when it is safe to 

try again.  

A year ago this month, I was just moving into my new house -- alone.  It was one of those 

gut decisions I made, and was so glad I did.  I didn't have proof then to back up that decision. 

I just knew I needed to act and wait for the answers to come.  

I spent the holiday alone -- and at peace -- without H.  

As the months past and the revolving door of separation ate up the beginning of 2014,  I came 

to understand why we separated and what those gut instincts were all about.  I'm glad I 

followed those impressions.  Along about May though, things started taking a life of their own, 

with H's remorse, phone calls to priesthood leaders, and promised to seek out recovery for 

his addiction, I felt pushed into re-uniting.   

Time to fall back and re-group.