Bill of Rights

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

The Reason I Work Recovery

I went back to school this past September (insert huge 'fiiiiiiinnnnnaly' here).

I loved it.  I'm working an online program through BYU-Idaho's Pathway.  I love being back about BYU.  I started my education at BYU-Provo.  Being back here is a lot like that 'coming home' feeling I've mentioned before.

As I was studying recently, I had a thought come to me as while reading this scripture:

“Behold, you have not understood; you have supposed that I would give it unto you, when you took no thought save it was to ask me. But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right. But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought that shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong…    Doctrine and Covenants 9:7–9
It also hit me, while reading through this scripture a few times, this is why I work recovery.  This is my reason.  So many, many times as my 25 year marriage progressed I would ask God why this was happening.  So many times I would pray for guidance and direction, for help in making decisions of should I stay or leave or even divorce.  I always wanted my Heavenly Father to be a part of my decision process. 
I did not understand.
I thought prayer and faith was the process.  It was, in part, but to understand what I was going through I also needed to ask and to study it out in my mind and to do my part.  

For me, it took a lot of time to figure out what 'doing my part' meant for me.
When it became apparent that I was dealing with addiction a path opened I purchased recovery books I could get my hands on.  I started reaching out to support groups and to therapists.  As I came to understand what I was dealing with and the effect it was having on me, I had a place for some of the answers that Heavenly Father had waiting for me from all those prayers I'd offered over the years.

My early marriage years were lonely, confusing, full of hopelessness and constant prayers of despair until H's issues played out enough to diagnose them.  I know that during those horrible years the Lord placed a protective bubble, so to speak,  around me to shield me from a lot of the pain I could have lived with.  As the disclosures have come forward now the past couple of years, I know that I am strong enough to handle them.  

I would not have been in the early days of my marriage.

I have been in a lot of trauma over the years.  They were hell years.  It was hell hearing each of the disclosures as well.  The trauma from this addiction has damaged me.  I am no where near free from the pain of H's betrayal.  

I just know that I am on a healing path.  A two-part path that has come to me from my recovery work and from my knowledge of the gospel of Jesus Christ and the power of the Atonement.  Together these two sources have helped me be able to pick myself up off the closet floor and stand upright again.   

The course is not an easy one, I have to tell you this.  I'm having to do some really hard work to get to a place of healing where I can stand on my feet each day and not cave at each wave of addiction or trauma. 

It feels good to not feel alone in this anymore.  

I spent so many years alone.  With no one to turn to and no where to go for help. Even my prayers and pleas to God felt ignored at times.  In my heart I knew they weren't, but in my despair and in my hurt the Adversary tried to convince me they were.  

If you are looking for a place of healing I know of several that are very good.  Here are a couple of my favorites to start with.  

Healing Through Christ

The Togetherness Project

Addo Recovery

Being able to connect with women who have walked this path has been one of the greatest sources of comfort for me.  The validation I have received from them that it is not me, that I'm not crazy, that this is addiction and it is ok to say that it hurts or it sucks.  Or even to say that you don't want to live with it any more.  This has empowered me.

This is how I found my strength again.

Now I can take all of this; the validation, my therapy, my recovery books, conferences I attend and even that scary video I did and decide who I am and who I want to be.

Before recovery -- I was doing good if I could just get up in the morning and breathe in and out all day.

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