Additional thoughts after today's HTC meeting:
From step 1 "..pray to leave our own judgement concerning their disease to the Lord."
I originally wrote this post because of issues stemming from a meeting with my bishop this past Sunday. Comments made about how I accept outcomes of a previous council bothered me greatly. I wanted to be given the time to work it out in my mind and not be compelled to accept. Knowing the judgement is the Lord's while also accepting that I am not in a perfect state yet. I am here in mortality with mortal/human thoughts and hurts.
Today I'm grateful for this teaching from my meeting. I can 'pray to leave the judgement" shows me that I can have the time I need to work though my issues and feelings until I can align my will to Gods.
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In the 25 years I have been married to H I have visited and re-visited the topic of forgiveness over and over. I read every article I came across when the issue was fresh or the issues of forgiveness needed more evaluation and application I've prayed to come to understand what is required of me to forgive the painful wounds H caused me.
Fidelity was not a strong trait of H's. I knew that going in to the marriage. I wasn't delusional thinking that marriage would cure the issues that H brought into our marriage. I knew we came from different backgrounds, with different levels of morals and values. I knew married life would be tough. I just didn't' realize how often I would have to re-learn how to forgive, or how hard I would strive to come to terms with the challenges of forgiveness and my natural woman.
The issues of infidelity repeated themselves over and over as the years passed. Each point of discovery brought back all the older unresolved offenses. It became increasingly difficult to see my way through. I had no resources for healing in the early years of marriage. Regardless of the lack of healing, I still had to forgive.
“For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:
“But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” (Matt. 6:14–15.)
I knew I had to forgive -- if I wanted forgiveness for my sins. I also knew that even if H wasn't repentant or wouldn't forsake the behaviors -- I was still required to forgive.
I'm not talking about the 'forget it and let it go' kind of forgiveness. I'm talking about the kind that you do with your whole heart. Because that is the only kind of forgiveness God recognizes.
Whole-hearted forgiveness was a difficult task for me after the many times my heart was broken by the one who was supposed to hold it, love it and care for it for time and all eternity.
A study of forgiveness most often begins here: Matthew 18:21–22:
Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.
How does it work though when someone repeats, repeats, repeats….
Further scriptural study takes you to these verses in the Doctrine and Covenants, section 98:
39 And again, verily I say unto you, if after thine
40 And so on unto the second and third time; and as oft as thine enemy repenteth of the trespass wherewith he has trespassed against thee, thou shalt a forgive him, until seventy times seven.
41 And if he trespass against thee and repent not the first time, nevertheless thou shalt forgive him.
42 And if he trespass against thee the second time, and repent not, nevertheless thou shalt forgive him.
44 But if he trespass against thee the fourth time thou shalt not forgive him, but shalt bring these testimonies before the Lord; and they shall not be blotted out until he repent and a reward thee four-fold in all things wherewith he has trespassed against thee.
45 And if he do this, thou shalt forgive him with all thine heart; and if he do not this, I, the Lord, will a avenge thee of thine enemy an hundred-fold;
And just in case there is a sense of a little window of justice, there is this lovely scripture; “he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin” (D&C 64:9)
What forgiveness is:
1. It is an acceptance of the Atonement as an offering of restitution.
2. It is a compensation for what was taken from me.
3. It is a way free from the hurt and pain from the wounds of H's actions.
What forgiveness is not:
1. Forgiveness does not minimize my hurt and pain.
2. Forgiveness does not give the offender a pass, or a way to sweep the actions away.
3. Forgiveness does not remove accountability.
Huge wrongs are righted by way of the Atonement which answers all demands for justice. My job then is to find peace and comfort in the Atonement and let that gift free me from the need to demand restitution on my own.
Each time I have an opportunity to revisit the principle of repentance and forgiveness and apply the gifts of the Atonement in my life, I am blessed with increased knowledge and witness of this give. My gratitude increases for my Savior.
James Farrell, in his book "Falling to Heaven" says, "to forgive someone sounds like such a gallant act -- a favor dispensed upon another despite his or her despicable mistreatment or thoughtlessness, but it is really just a vital kind of repenting: repenting of the desire to withhold the love and mercy of the Savior from someone we judge undeserving."
Writing this post in no way implies that I have worked through the stumbling blocks that are preventing me from being resolved. What it does for me is it gives me a place to come to when I am stuck and not accepting yet. When working through the forgiveness process has me hung up on righting wrongs done to me rather than giving it to the Savior. Writing this post serves as a reminder of this; D&C 82:1 "Verily, verily, I say unto you, my servants, that inasmuch as you have forgiven one another your trespasses, even so I, the Lord, forgive you."
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