Forgiveness

Additional thoughts after today's HTC meeting:  

From step 1 "..pray to leave our own judgement concerning their disease to the Lord."  

I originally wrote this post because of issues stemming from a meeting with my bishop this past Sunday.  Comments made about how I accept outcomes of a previous council bothered me greatly.  I wanted to be given the time to work it out in my mind and not be compelled to accept.  Knowing the judgement is the Lord's while also accepting that I am not in a perfect state yet.  I am here in mortality with mortal/human thoughts and hurts.  

Today I'm grateful for this teaching from my meeting.  I can 'pray to leave the judgement"  shows me that I can have the time I need to work though my issues and feelings until I can align my will to Gods.



_____________


In the 25 years I have been married to H I have visited and re-visited the topic of forgiveness over and over.  I read every article I came across when the issue was fresh or the issues of forgiveness needed more evaluation and application   I've prayed to come to understand what is required of me to forgive the painful wounds H caused me.

Fidelity was not a strong trait of H's.  I knew that going in to the marriage.  I wasn't delusional thinking that marriage would cure the issues that H brought into our marriage.  I knew we came from different backgrounds, with different levels of morals and values.  I knew married life would be tough.   I just didn't' realize how often I would have to re-learn how to forgive, or how hard I would strive to come to terms with the challenges of forgiveness and my natural woman.

The issues of infidelity repeated themselves over and over as the years passed.  Each point of discovery brought back all the older unresolved offenses.  It became increasingly difficult to see my way through. I had no resources for healing in the early years of marriage.  Regardless of the lack of healing, I still had to forgive.

“For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:

“But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” (Matt. 6:14–15.) 

I knew I had to forgive  -- if I wanted forgiveness for my sins.  

I also knew that even if H wasn't repentant or wouldn't forsake the behaviors -- I was still required to forgive.

I'm not talking about the 'forget it and let it go' kind of forgiveness.  I'm talking about the kind that you do with your whole heart.  Because that is the only kind of forgiveness God recognizes.

Whole-hearted forgiveness was a difficult task for me after the many times my heart was broken by the one who was supposed to hold it, love it and care for it for time and all eternity.

A study of forgiveness most often begins here:  Matthew 18:21–22:

Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?  Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

70 times 7.  We all know that.  We can all do the math and realize that is a lot of forgiving.  

How does it work though when someone repeats, repeats, repeats….

Further scriptural study takes you to these verses in the Doctrine and Covenants, section 98:

 39 And again, verily I say unto you, if after thine ^aenemy has come upon thee the first time, he repent and come unto thee praying thy forgiveness, thou shalt forgive him, and shalt hold it no more as a testimony against thine enemy—

 40 And so on unto the second and third time; and as oft as thine enemy repenteth of the trespass wherewith he has trespassed against thee, thou shalt ^aforgive him, until seventy times seven.

 41 And if he trespass against thee and repent not the first time, nevertheless thou shalt forgive him.

 42 And if he trespass against thee the second time, and repent not, nevertheless thou shalt forgive him.

 43 And if he trespass against thee the third time, and repent not, thou shalt also forgive him.

 44 But if he trespass against thee the fourth time thou shalt not forgive him, but shalt bring these testimonies before the Lord; and they shall not be blotted out until he repent and ^areward thee four-fold in all things wherewith he has trespassed against thee.

 45 And if he do this, thou shalt forgive him with all thine heart; and if he do not this, I, the Lord, will ^aavenge thee of thine enemy an hundred-fold;

And just in case there is a sense of a little window of justice, there is this lovely scripture; “he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin” (D&C 64:9)

What forgiveness is:
  1.  It is an acceptance of the Atonement as an offering of restitution.
  2.  It is a compensation for what was taken from me.
  3.  It is a way free from the hurt and pain from the wounds of H's actions.

What forgiveness is not:
  1. Forgiveness does not minimize my hurt and pain.
  2. Forgiveness does not give the offender a pass, or a way to sweep the actions away.
  3. Forgiveness does not remove accountability.


Huge wrongs are righted by way of the Atonement which answers all demands for justice.   My job then is to find peace and comfort in the Atonement and let that gift free me from the need to demand restitution on my own.

Each time I have an opportunity to revisit the principle of repentance and forgiveness and apply the gifts of the Atonement in my life, I am blessed with increased knowledge and witness of this give.  My gratitude increases for my Savior.

James Farrell, in his book "Falling to Heaven" says, "to forgive someone sounds like such a gallant act -- a favor dispensed upon another despite his or her despicable mistreatment or thoughtlessness, but it is really just a vital kind of repenting:  repenting of the desire to withhold the love and mercy of the Savior from someone we judge undeserving."

Writing this post in no way implies that I have worked through the stumbling blocks that are preventing me from being resolved.  What it does for me is it gives me a place to come to when I am stuck and not accepting yet.  When working through the forgiveness process has me hung up on righting wrongs done to me rather than giving it to the Savior.  Writing this post serves as a reminder of this; D&C 82:1 "Verily, verily, I say unto you, my servants, that inasmuch as you have forgiven one another your trespasses, even so I, the Lord, forgive you."

In Memory Of….

In memory of all the broken hopes and dreams.
In memory of all the tears I shed.
In memory of all the lies.
In memory of all the times I was cheated on.
In memory of all the nights alone.





I love white roses.  They symbolize purity and a pure love.
I wanted to laugh when H brought them home.
There was nothing pure about what we had.

I didn't though.  That would have been mean.  I don't want to be mean, unkind or ungrateful.  I wanted him to see that I was pleased and surprised.

He said he wanted me to feel special.
I wanted to die when he said that.
Nothing about how he treats me makes me feel special.

I said 'thank you' and placed the vase on the kitchen table.


This is what's left of that day, of my life, of my marriage:

  

It's H's birthday today.
I didn't call or email.
I smashed the vase the Valentine roses came in and wished him a happy day.


I'm worried the tone of the post is not a happy one.  I'm concerned this might be taken wrong.   I don't want it taken that way.

Because….

I have knowledge of the atonement and all this wonderful gift means to me, and even to my husband.  I have felt the healing balm from my Savior.  I know that he rescued me from the pain and anguish of H's choices.  He helped me to forgive and to love.  Mortality can be sad.  People do dumb things and some times those things hurt one another.  H is not his mistakes --- and neither am I.  

I pray for H every day.

I pray he and I both find the hope we need.

I pray we both find peace.

I read an article the other day that made me chuckle.  It was from a therapist's blog post (I'll find the link later and post it.)  It started out with a tag line that alluded to giving a couple permission to divorce.  Once the hook was in he said something like this.

To go ahead and divorce this marriage as it is now.

Divorce the pain and the hurt that is in the past.

Make a new marriage.

Fourteen days have past since H left.  I still have this hope in my heart.  I still ask God every day to save us.  Save us from whatever has us in bondage.  Save us from this world, and all the lies we've been told.  Save us -- and bring us back to Thee.

I trust that God.  I know what my Heavenly Father says is true.  I know not one soul will be lost.  I know that all of this will be worth it.  

Today, on H's birthday, in memory of the old I smashed all of that pain and hurt and memories to pieces.  I give it all to my Savior.   

And pray.

What Do I Tell My Bishop?

I have an appointment to see the bishop this week.  The worry over it is making me physically ill.   I think I must have been subconsciously afraid to run into him at church Sunday (which I always do because I am the ward music director and sit behind him every week).  I thought I had the flu, or ate something funny Saturday night.  I think it was anxiety.

What do you tell your relatively new bishop after your husband has left for the third time this year?  (Yeah, I know its only March.)  How deep do you go into the story that has been unfolding for 25 years in one 20 minute appointment?  What kind of detail should he know so that he looks into your heart and sees you?  I need him to see how much I've tried to make this work.  I need him to see how hard I've worked on forgiveness.

Should I list all the physical affairs and sexual encounters?
Should I include the emotional affairs, the sexting, the email photos, the personals, craigslist, dating sites and the porn?

Should I tell him when it started and that it pretty much hasn't ever stopped?

Last time we met,  Bishop said this to me, "There are two sides to every story and somewhere in the middle is the truth."

Yup.  True words.
Maybe even to some degree in my situation.

I'm just curious, what will happen if I play the sex addict card and say,  'yeah, but, ummmmmmm…….'

In 2000, I thought my life, my family, my marriage, was finally settling down.  H and I were back together after a 3 year separation.  We were expecting another child.  H was back at church with us -- every week.  It was supposed to be a happy season.  We'd had some pretty big struggles. We'd waited 11 years for this child.  Things were better, it was time for a season of peace.

But it wasn't.

Relocations, new cities, job issues and losses, babies, miscarriages,  all seemed to impact the long awaited happy season.  Instead it was a long rough patch.

And then it started again.

H was going to school and working two jobs.  We rarely saw each other.  When we did, tension existed between us.  Maybe I was fussy about things.  Maybe he yelled too much.  Some where in the midst of the struggle, instead of coming together to work on fixing things, H took a different route.

I can't even begin to describe the physical pain that shot through me that night I realized H was back at it.  I'd been at a late crop at my store.  I had the kids with me.  H was home, asleep in bed.  I got everyone settled and climbed into bed myself.  Just as I was trying to settle in for the night, I heard the text notification on H's phone.  Who on earth would be texting him at 3:00 in the morning, I wondered. I got out of bed and looked and crumbled to the floor at what I saw.

I don't know who she was or where H met her, but there was pleading, begging, and words that H would never say to me.

I wanted to throw up.

I couldn't sleep.

The next morning I called H out on what I'd discovered last night while he was sound asleep.  It's weird, but even though I could repeat the conversation -- he still denied it.  He still tried to make me out like I was the looney one.

I hate this part of this condition.

The issue didn't' end here and before too long I ferreted out more facts.

I couldn't believe what I was reading on those sex sites.
It was disgusting.
Why would H say that about me?
It made me sick.


I tried to be even more available in the bedroom (because I didn't know what else to do and believed all the lies).

It made it worse.  I felt more objectified.   Suddenly things that weren't part of our normal intimacy became part of it.  I was too afraid to say no.

H and I aren't good at resolution and repair when there bad choices, mistakes,  and shame are involved.

It got worse.

I found more evidence.

I executed an in-house separation.  That sent H over the top.

It just gets uglier from here.
More evidence.
More lies.
More craziness.

It's been this way for years.
Through three bishops.

What do I tell this new one?  How do I tell him so that I don't sound like 'one of those wives'?
I don't want to makes excuses for things. Or justify.

The truth is, H doesn't want to talk about what has really happened and why.  H wants to sweep it under the rug.  He wants me to forget about it.  He wants me to forgive him.  He wants me to love him.

And then he'll stay.
And then he'll be happy.

H has a loud, exuberant, in the center of it all personality.  He's type A.  He is a 30 year retired Navy Senior Chief.  He doesn't take crap from anyone.  He doesn't take second either.

(Oh, and this bishop is a retired navy chief too (more boys club associations.)

I'm the quiet, hid-in-the-corner type.  It's taken a like-minded/like-experienced network of women to pull me out of this cocoon I built around myself.  It wasn't until Addo explained what was happening that I finally found my voice.

I still need to talk to this bishop.
I know he doesn't get it.
I tried once.

I sent him one of those 'letters to a bishop' from the Rowboat site.

Epic fail.

That was the same meeting where he gave me the two sides -- truth in the middle lecture.

Time to pray.  I need someone on my side so that I can share my story in a way Bishop will hear it.

Happiness Amid Hardship

There's a need in my social community to strive for more positive outlook in our trials.  I recognize this need.  I applaud it and acknowledge the good it can do in our healing.

The Book of Mormon contains great examples of happiness amid hardship.  2 Nephi 5:27 says, "We lived after the manner of happiness."  I love that verse.

Jack R. Christiansen in his book, Life Lessons from the Book of Mormon says that happiness (or joy) is a fruit of the spirit.  It cannot be forced, coerced or mandated.

He goes on to say that "some people try so desperately to find and keep happiness that they are miserable.  They seek happiness with drugs, alcohol, pornography, money, fame, or sexual impropriety.    In the end, however, they find only sorrow, heartbreak and emptiness.  Genuine, lasting happiness is a by-product of sincerely following the Father, and his son, and of making and keeping sacred covenants. Happiness cannot be forced any more than a plant can be forced to grow."

I read once that one of the most bewildering things about becoming happy is confusing it with pleasure. This is so true in the world that I am familiar with, and in the world of the wonderful women in my social network.  The confusion of pleasure equaling happiness to the men in our lives.

Pleasure is actually a temporary emotion and is not the same thing as sustainable happiness.   Like being happy with a new cell phone or a new outfit.  We receive pleasure from the experiences and additions of life, however, they do not bring the sustainable happiness for which we each yearn.

Camilla Fronk Olson said this at a BYU Women's Conference,

"To the paralytic man lying helpless on a bed, Jesus proclaimed, “Be of good cheer” (Matthew 9:2). To the frightened Apostles battling the tempestuous sea, Jesus appeared on the water, declaring, “Be of good cheer” (Matthew 14:27). As Joseph Smith met with 10 elders about to be sent out on missions fraught with trouble and danger, the Lord announced, “Be of good cheer” (D&C 61:36). In each instance the people had every reason to be anxious, fearful, and hopeless, yet the Lord directed them toward a reason to rejoice."

" Speaking to the Apostles in His final moments before Gethsemane, Jesus said, “In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). Elder Neal A. Maxwell explained: “The unimaginable agony of Gethsemane was about to descend upon Jesus; Judas’ betrayal was imminent. Then would come Jesus’ arrest and arraignment; the scattering of the Twelve like sheep; the awful scourging of the Savior; the unjust trial; the mob’s shrill cry for Barabbas instead of Jesus; and then the awful crucifixion on Calvary. What was there to be cheerful about? Just what Jesus said: He had overcome the world! The atonement was about to be a reality. The resurrection of all mankind was assured. Death was to be done away with—Satan had failed to stop the atonement.”

There is comfort in that last line, "Satan had failed to stop the atonement."  Knowing how important the atonement is to the suffering of mortality.  

Knowing we were sent here to be tried and tested.  We will not be able to avoid pain.  Thinking that obedience and goodness will prevent adversity is a faulty belief.  

D&C 24:8 "Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of they days."

We will not be alone in our trials --- ever.

It isn't a fair world to our mortal mindset.  We look on and believe that others are doing better than we.  We see even the disobedient acquiring more 'perceived' happiness that those of us who struggle so to be righteous.

"the Lord is not promising us just material wealth if we seek first the kingdom. From my own experience I know this is not the case. In the words of Henrik Ibsen: “Money may be the husk of many things, but not the kernel. It brings you food, but not appetite; medicine, but not health; acquaintances, but not friends; servants, but not faithfulness; days of joy, but not peace or happiness” (In The Forbes Scrapbook of Thoughts on the Business of Life, New York: Forbes, Inc., 1968, p. 88).

I see a gem of truth in that quote.  We have a skewed view of what happiness is and how it is obtained.   It is easy to forget that we are being trained and groomed for a higher purpose through the trials of mortality.  We lack patience in this world of instant gratification.  It is difficult to get our mind wrapped around the fact that some trials may last a life time.  In that difficulty we lose the eternal perspective that who we are now and where we are now is not a permanent condition.  


I don't have a special or specific formula for happiness.  I do wonder if part of it is attitude, part of it is gratitude, maybe part of it is choice.  I believe striving for happiness blesses us, strengthens us and makes us more able to endure the assignment we have been given.  I don't always apply these beliefs.  Today I am grateful for the reminders.

I Don't Want To Talk

I keep getting email from H wanting to talk.  I don' know what to do. H left 11 days ago saying he would not be back this time.  What kind of dialog can  happen after that announcement?

I answered him back outlining a couple of boundaries:
 1. We need to talk about dealing with my pain and my recovery in a healthy way --no blame or shame on either  side.
2. We need to talk about forgiveness and repentance so that both pieces of this are understood and decisions made to go forward. (This is a huge issue for us that is adding to the hurt and pain.)

H  did not see any good going forward without mediation via counselor or bishop.

I get that, on one hand.  Still, how much progress will we make with a one hour appointment per week?  Is there no other alternative?
Is it that impossible to talk together without help?

I am really torn now.  I feel all my worthless buttons being depressed.  I have lived a marriage of silence.  Silence exacerbates the pain we both carry around.  Communication, on the other hand would open hearts -- well it could if we were just willing to talk.

I was reading a blog post about affair recovery where the woman in the situation presented had just learned of her husband's affair.  Surgery was scheduled before any dialog could take place.  Unfortunately, the worse happened, the husband died.  The wife was left with no place to put her pain.  She had no one to answer her questions.  Healing for her, seemed impossible.

This story is tragic on so many levels. And yet, in some ways it feels so familiar to me.

The author of this blogs suggest three key factors for rebuilding a marriage after an affair:
 -  severing all contact with the third party
 -  getting answers to all your questions
 -  talking through the whole thing

I like this.  Except that we are not talking about one issue of infidelity.  Which explains why H is reluctant to talk.

H fears he will never get done with the talking.

It is not my desire to wallow.
It is not my desire to shame H.
It is not my desire to talk about, think about, or live in the past indefinitely.

It is my desire to heal.  To do that:
 - I need to quit hiding behind what happened.
 - I need to be allowed to hurt sometimes when triggers happen without that causing H to act out.
- I need to be allowed to hurt without my hurt (or my healing) being too much for H.  We both hurt from this -- but we can both heal too.
 - Most importantly, I need to be able to choose how I move forward, the path I need to take, and the amount of time it might require.

I just hope all these needs of mine aren't too much for H.
I need this -- or I just can't talk.

Step 1

" Come to understand and accept that we are powerless over the addiction of a loved one and recognize that our lives have become unmanageable."

In the beginning paragraph of this step (in the Healing Through Christ manual) it talks about being unaware of life being unmanageable.  The first time I read that I thought it was an odd way to start out. I knew my life was a mess.  I knew I needed help and that I was powerless over this issue.

I didn't need help with awareness, I needed help with the small little pieces of it that made it more difficult to bear.  I needed to take a long hard look at what I was doing that could be considered controlling, or making matters worse, for me, and give that over to the Lord.

Until Addo and 12-step I had the faulty belief that 'policing' and checking email accounts or phone records helped me deal with H's issues.  Foolishly, I thought if I kept an eye on things I would know sooner and be less traumatized by the disclosures once the lies made their way to the surface.   In this behavior I was every bit as much in bondage as H was with his behaviors.

It has been about a year since I started my recovery process.  I have 23 plus years of faulty beliefs to un-do.  I'm not going to get past all of this in one pass through the manual.  (I've actually been through it three times already -- and I'm still messing up -- still learning -- still growing).

Some one once mentioned in one of my 12-step meetings that I should 'work my life around recovery -- not recovery around my life.'  I put that quote on a sticky note on the cover of my manual so that I would see it each time I sat down to do my step work.   I've been trying to remind myself of this message especially right now while I struggle with H's absence -- and the feelings he has of my recovery work -- which drove him to leave.

My sponsor reminded me today that these issues of H's are normal pieces of recovery work and usually happen to the spouse that is not in recovery.  At least I'm normal.  :)

Step one also speaks of a period called 'Resolution and Acceptance as being a point at which we come to peace with our current situation.  Acceptance means we courageously face our fears and live each day with faith and trust in God to guide and sustain us spiritually and emotionally.'

During the first week after H left I could not raise acceptance within me.  I felt wronged -- again.  I felt like I didn't matter and the marriage didn't matter to H.  This was especially difficult to work through after hearing H tell D 'I will not be back this time.'

I did try though.  I got up each day and worked hard on the tasks of the day.  Initially the pain was still there and often throughout the day the waves would hit me and knock me off course.  Hard as it was -- I had a small piece of reassurance that I was not failing.  I was trying hard to do my best and by continually putting one foot forward -- even if it took an hour, or most of the day to move it -- it was at least progress.

Another line from this step says, "Emotional pain can purify our souls if we humbly receive the lessons our emotions can teach us."  I underlined this sentence at some point in my step work or during a group meeting.  It still feels significant.  I need purification.

One of my all time favorite quotes, one I've had in my file, and in my sig line in my email for more years than I can count is also included in this step.

   "No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted.  It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility.  All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable…and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulations, that we gain the education that we came here to acquire."  Elder Orson F. Whitney

I was telling H in an email yesterday that I believe with all my heart that a day will come when we look back on this trial and say we are thankful for it  I know this to be true.  I know that the lessons I am learning will be for my good and will teach me to be more than I could be without them.  So even though right now I struggle staying asleep each night.  Even though waves of pain -- physical pain -- come at me at the worst times, reminding me that I am not in a good place in this trial, I am still working on it patiently.

And that is good.

Homes

It's been 14 years since I sold my home in Utah and began a season of home-less-ness.

It was a horribly painful time back then.  H was still in the Navy and his detachments around the world or drill weekends in California gave him opportunity to act out.  I didn't have any proof, but I felt it in my gut and called him on it one day.

He packed his bags and left that day.  For the rest of my life the words of my son will be forever seared into my heart.  "Dad, can I help you carry your bags to the garage?"  He had no idea what he was helping his dad to do.  


H had been gone for three years while I taught school and managed our home without him.  One day a man knocked on the door, he had papers, papers I never ever expected to receive.

Foreclosure.

Except by the grace and tender mercies of God, my house sold and closed in 30 days. The foreclosure was avoided.  It was pretty unheard of.  It was painful.  I packed and moved by myself while H was living in a villa in Sicily.

Ten years ago we bought a small townhouse (in a state and city so far from the home I knew and loved).  It was the third townhouse we'd lived in since I about lost my home.  But at least we owned this one.  It was too small for a family, but H was adamant that we buy something and he was afraid to mortgage too much money.  For almost ten years we crammed 4 and then 5 people in this little space.  We used the garage as a storage unit and never parked a car in there once.  The basement was almost as bad.

Finally, at the end of 2013, almost 14 years from the day those foreclosure papers were served, we finally bought a home. A beautiful, roomy, lovely, new home.

And then we separated.

I didn't plan for a separation to happen.  H and I were so excited to be able to finally be in a real home.  A home with room where we weren't all on top of each other.  But one night, H and I were out running errands.  We'd dropped D off at church for her young women activities.  Something wasn't right with H.  I could feel it.  Worse, I could hear it in the way he talked to me.  On the way to the townhouse with a few groceries, it hit me.  'You can manage these two homes alone.  He doesn't have to move with you."

I hurried in the door, put away the perishables and quickly factored out some numbers while H was upstairs.  When he came down I had my plan in place and presented it to him.  I couldn't believe I was saying what I was saying to him.  I felt relief, like I had never felt it before.  I was scared, but not afraid.  I knew it would be difficult -- a difficult that would be easier to handle that all the difficult I had been dealing with these past 24 years.

Amazingly, the move went well.  H stayed a couple nights at the new house to help assemble a few pieces of furniture for D.  I had to reminded him of the plan, 'you aren't going to live here for now, H.'

I managed it alone most of November and December.  It was difficult -- but in a different way.

Most of January, February and now March,  have been a battle with H coming home and then leaving again.

He's been gone a week now.

It helps having two homes.
It hurts having two homes.

Its an easy escape.  You don't have to think too hard about leaving when you can just go back to your old home.  You don't have to work through the cost factor, or make arrangements to separate towels or kitchen supplies -- that stuff is already there.  You just pack your clothes and leave.

I've been thinking a lot the past few days while I have had nothing but my thoughts to keep me company,  that it would be nice to have someone who wanted to work hard at marriage with me.  Marriage takes work.  You don't just go to the office, come home eat, watch TV and call it good till you do it all over again the next day.  Marriage takes interaction, commitment, love (not just saying it -- but living it).


In an Ensign article entitled,  For Better, For Worse, For Always, Brent Scharman said this, "Making a commitment. Each partner must have a strong commitment to the marriage if it is to survive the inevitable hardships brought on by modern-day pressures. Commitment produces a feeling of stability, which assures both individuals that although disagreements may surface, the marriage is their top priority and will be preserved. This allows both to feel safe—without the fear that every problem that arises will lead to greater difficulties."

I'm not saying that I haven't added my share of problems to the marriage in trying to deal with addict behaviors.  But I do believe I have worked to keep the marriage together in spite of some pretty tough conditions.

But now we have an easy out.
Now we have a place to run away when we aren't happy.

Another section of Elder Scharman's article makes this statement:

In the April 1990 general conference address, President Howard W. Hunter described the required level of commitment. He said: “Ultimately, what our Father in Heaven will require of us is … a total commitment, a complete devotion, all that we are and all that we can be.”

I'm thinking about both sides of this issue a lot right now.  Looking back over the past, wondering about the future, and what, if anything, I can do to make it right.  I don't' have any power of influence over H.  To beg him to come back home to work on the marriage would require just that -- begging.  I know more compromise will need to be worked through -- but begging --  I don't think I'm quite there yet.

I know I need to work on myself more.  I know there is a lot about my behavior that is altered and affected because of all the acting out and lies and pain I've lived with.  Still, it isn't just me that needs to change.  It needs to be both of us working on ourselves and the marriage to make it work.

Right now -- escaping to our separate homes -- is just easier for him.

Healing Sick Souls

 “The greatest miracles I see today are not necessarily the healing of sick bodies, but the greatest miracles I see are the healing of sick souls.”-- President Harold B. Lee

My soul feels sick and in need of repair this week.   I would have thought after three experiences with H leaving that I would be able to manage this one.  But I am just not.

I can't  sleep at night.
I can't stop the waves of pain.
I can't stop the tears of sadness.

I know this is a trial that I am supposed to endure well.  I've tried, at least I thought that I was trying.  But, to hear H speak you'd think I was not at all trying and really the most horrible person.

In a recent email he said, "You have grown in your recovery from a recovering victim to a facilitator of recovering victims.  You have entered a world where you are needed and have growing responsibilities.  This provides you with an opportunity to help others by sharing your experiences with them.  This affords you opportunities to relive the damage I caused as your wounds may be re-exposed at these meetings.  That involvement may be healing for you, but for me, it keeps my past in my face.  Another way my past lives on."


It sounds terrible reading it like that.  He sounds disgusted at me and at the growth that I felt was a good thing.  Here all my effort to come to understand how powerless I was over all of this.  Here I am working my step 4 to make a full written inventory of my wrongs only to find out it isn't at all like I thought.

I never saw myself as a victim.  Now I need to question all my prior behavior to evaluate it against this viewpoint.

I'm in the middle of quite a pickle.  How can we both move forward from this kind of past when the affect of it has been so polarly different? 

We studied Lot's wife in Sunday School last week.  I've been thinking a lot about that.  I understand the importance of moving forward and not looking back.  Surely there is nothing in the past that I want to look back on.  The issue there is that it isn't all so very past.  For sure my view of the past is clearly different that H's.  

I've felt for so long that I was doing anything but moving forward.  I had no place to look to for healing or hope.   I lived each day trying to pretend it wasn't happening.  I couldn't talk about it with H, he forbid it.  He refused counseling.  I wearied every bishop we've every had, not that those options are helpful anyway.  So I just let time go by.

Until last spring.  
Until Addo.

I found truth and validation with Addo.  I found hope and healing through the Healing Through Christ program.  

H thinks I've found a place to keep his past alive.

Now his hurt is mine.
His unwillingness to live in it has become my compelled loneliness.

This is really messy.
This is going to take some time to process.
Luckily -- I've got a lot of that right now.

When Only One Wants Recovery

I sent a text to H today trying to shake loose this stalemate we are in.

His reply was just as I expected it would be.

H will not fight for this marriage.

H said, 'there is so much broken with us, things neither of us can move past, I see no hope of repair."

How sad to see life too broken to repair.

How sad to see broken as some thing bad.

How sad to be so devoid of hope.

I like this person's take on broken:

http://momastery.com/blog/2014/03/12/broken-is-the-beginning/

I love these thoughts from the video:

….."Broken is the beginning."

……"Grief is like joy -- its not something you have to fix."

…….."You have to let everything fall apart before you find out what is indestructible about you."

H's version of broken makes me sad.  I don't want to be sad anymore.  I don't want to feel like I'm stuck in some place I can't get out of.  None of that feels like truth to me.

Acknowledging my grief and loss are important.  As is being able to talk about it in a loving and safe environment. Not to punish or shame, but for my heart and mind to find connection again and to heal.  I am not stuck in a wallowing sadness. I don't spend every minute of every day thinking over what H has done.  I am just not going to pretend these things didn't happen.

I suppose in H's mind he should be able to be free of his past and not have to trip over it all the time.
I'd like that for him.

It seems like for us -- both of those conditions cannot exist in the same space.  This is sad, so very sad.

6:30 this evening H came in the door, looked around for his dinner plate, sat down at the table like any regular day.  Except this wasn't a regular day.

I asked about his plans.

He sat little D down and began to tell her about how much I couldn't trust him or believe he's telling me the truth he was going to leave and he wouldn't be back.

This is what it looks like at my house when recovery meets - no-recovery.
One wants to hope, to talk, to believe,
The other sees the broken, has no hope, and lives in silence.

He left.
The third time in three months.
In fact its happened every month this year so far.
This just might be the last time -- at least he told D that.

We've moved now from emotional separation to physical separation.

Going back to those lovely words from the video… "broken is beautiful" and 'you have to let everything fall apart before you find out what is indestructible about you.'

Beautiful broken and indestructible -- here I come…..

Emotional Separation

I'm in an emotionally separate phase right now with the H.  He goes along like life is just dandy, ignoring the fact that we  have this issue that hangs over us -- separates us -- distances us.

I'm familiar with this type of living.  I spent years like this. Wrapped up in my own cocoon of protection because the honesty I am looking for is too much for H to give.  

I need the honesty to feel close.
H withholds honesty to protect himself.

It's a stand off -- and both of us are miserable.  You can hear it in the impatient tones.  You can see it in the length of time we spend in separate rooms.  

Each of these situations point to the signs of Emotional Separation spoken in therapist's blogs and articles.  (Not that I needed those to recognize this familiar condition of my marriage.)

I don't think we are at the physical separation point -- unless I start pushing for information.
H will not be pushed.

We could go back to counseling -- but I would have to initiate that.

So I busy myself in my projects and my recovery work and wait patiently.

H. has been back to church a couple months now.  Neither H nor the bishop have approached the need to meet and talk over the past three years.

That's not helping the denial and the covering that H continues to do.

I read this once on Wikipedia (I know, not a great source -- but I like this idea) it seemed to fit my situation.


Denial of denial : This can be a difficult concept for many people to identify with in themselves, but is a major barrier to changing hurtful behaviors. Denial of denial involves thoughts, actions and behaviors which bolster confidence that nothing needs to be changed in one's personal behavior. This form of denial typically overlaps with all of the other forms of denial, but involves more self-delusion. Denial at this level can have significant consequences both personally and at a societal level.

Yeah, denial.  H lives in it and I hurt from it.

The nice side of me wants to be understanding and patient while H works through his issues.  25 years of this kind of patience has worn me thin.  I find I am asking myself daily if I am doing the right thing.

One of the gifts I have been given from this trial is the ability to be happy in difficult (and prolonged) situations.  I'm grateful for this. Grateful that each day I wake happy.   I know that God is aware of what I'm feeling and going through.  I know that I could leave this situation any time and it would be fine with God.  I've had that witness.  

For now, I choose to wait and see. 

I'm not going so far as to say hope.  
Much of that has worn thin as well.

Still, I do trust in a God that saves and rescues. 

I want that for H.