Broken Dreams

Unpacking boxes today.
Putting things away in my beautiful new home.
A home that was the realization of both our dreams.
For years.

Unpacking boxes today.
Putting away the possessions that have made our house home.
For years.

Unpacking boxes today.
Alone.

We're not going to be able to work through the pain of the deception and infidelities.  It's too much for him to bear, he says.  To carry my pain is too heavy a load.  It can't be all about me, he said.  And yet, he won't quit.  He won't give up the sex sites, dating sites, porn, the infidelity.  That is too much for me to bear.  He won't quit lying -- which hurts so much.

It feels like me against him right now.  I don't like how that feels.  I don't like it because for so many years I gave in to his way.  I closed my eyes, looked away from my pain and kept trying to avoid divorce.  I'm not used to standing my ground or validating and honoring what is right and wrong for me.  I'm not used to it so I struggle now standing firm.

For so many years I hurt when he was gone.  The loneliness or longing for him crushed me.  Tonight the loneliness is there -- just different.  Tonight I'm sad that we are at this standoff with no way in site to break through to a better place.

Maybe I cannot hear his pain.  Maybe after so many years of lies and cheating I can't trust.  I have spent the last two years trying so hard to love him and look the other way.  Still every once in a while the wave of remembrance washed over me and consumed me.  I'd try to talk.  I'd try to share what the affairs and deception had done to me.  He wouldn't listen.  He blamed me for not forgiving him.  He accused me of never being able to get past it.  He shut down -- for days.

Today as I unpack the belongings that have made our house a home for so many years, I do so alone.  I know he's not moving back in.  I know he won't be here to celebrate the fast approaching holidays.  I know he's going to be alone.  The kids will be with me, food will be on our table, and even though I will be physically surrounded by loved ones, my heart will be heavy and hurting.  I'm pretty sure my mind will be wandering all over the past 25 years of holiday memories.  I'm pretty sure I'll be fighting the impulse to call -- or ignoring the phone if he calls.  I'm pretty sure I'm about to experience the first of  sad and lonely holidays.

Dreams are broken.  Prayers said over and over seem to be bouncing off heaven as the course of life takes a drastic shift for me.  There will still be many forced smiles and pretending.  Only this time, I'll pretend I'm well alone instead of well married.

Broken dreams hurt.

Calling a Spade -- a Spade -- Part 2

My story continues....

When I began to tell my story I got caught up in all my triggery places and ran.  Today I am stronger.  Today it is time for more truth.

For many years I have been a lost soul (I said that before, right? )  Then one day early this past year I found myself.  

And here I am:  http://vimeo.com/74534413

If you'd like to see more -- check out the rest of my story and that of some other very awesome women.  

As I work on telling my story I'll include more links and resources that I found valuable in my recovery.  As I said before, this is a story about me, not about him.  I learned long ago that if I wanted to fix something -- I had to fix me.   Sure, I tried it the other way for a long time.  That was much like banging my head against a brick wall.  It just hurt more and was anything but effective.  

When all of these issues began for me there wasn't a place to get help.  I spent years in confusion and pain.  Today there is help.  There are places you can go to find relief and shoulders to cry on.  There are 12-step programs,  Facebook groups, forums and therapists that understand betrayal trauma.  

There is no reason to live in my dark world anymore. 

On the Road to Emmaus...

I'm pondering on the lyrics to a favorite song of mine by Hillary Weeks.  I love her music, but this one speaks to me today.  

I can see the two apostles traveling towards Emmaus.  The Savior had been crucified and they were confused.  They wanted to believe what Jesus had taught, but they doubted.  The hopes they had were lost in the confusion of what happened.   Another traveler joins them.  They don't recognize him until he calls them on their unbelief.

It is like that in my life right now.  I know, I believe, I was taught, still, somehow I mire in the day to day trial and forget.  

So I listen for His voice and for the reassurance that I am doing ok and I try to continue on my road.

The Road to Emmaus, by Hillary Weeks

We went our way that day
To a village called Emmaus
Three days since our Loard had died
And Judas had betrayed us
Along the way a stranger came
And asked to travel with us
But we couldn't see He was
The King He was

So we told Him of our sorrow and confusion How we trusted we'd be led
To a mansion in God's kingdom
How all our hopes had faded
When they nailed Him to a cross
Still we couldn't see He was
The King He was

On the road to Emmaus
As He opened the scriptures to us
And our hearts burned within us
On the road to Emmaus

We heard a familiar voice
As He quoted from the prophets
How the Son of God must give His life
And rise again to save us
Then as we saw the nail prints in His hands our eyes were opened
And we could see He was
The King He was

Then He was gone
Vanished from our sight
But the Spirit made it clear to us
The Lord was by our side

Chorus