Why It Is So Difficult To Forget

I'm trying to work out the connection between forgetting and overcoming as it relates to the memories of trauma.  I have an almost constant prayer that the memories or images would just quit coming back into my mind.  

I read once that a negative experience is like velcro while a positive experience is more like teflon.  That made so much sense to me.  Over my life time I know that I've experienced a great deal of happiness.  I also know many of those experiences I'm unable to recall.   It is not that way at all with the experiences that have brought me pain.  Those I have no difficulty recalling.  

Why? 

Wouldn't getting over it be easier if I could just forget about it and move on?

Emotions are something you just cannot run away from.  You can move away from a place of trauma to place of safety.  You can separate yourself from the individual that caused the pain.  But the emotions -- they come with you.

Two weeks ago I was getting a heavy bag out of the back of my SUV.  Not paying attention, I slammed the door down on to the top of my head.  It about knocked the stuffing out of me.  I wanted like anything to just vaporize.  I couldn't, because I had kids in the car with me.  I was an hour drive from home too.  It was a long hour.  The kids chatty and wanting out and me wanting to find some place to hide so I could lick my wounds.  

The memory of the moment of impact and the long moments following are as similar to me as the moments of disclosure and those subsequent days.  The feeling of being sideswiped.  The realization that I was the only one affected by the impact.  The chatter and movement of life around me that conflicted with the daze I was in.  I was in so much pain.  It felt like the world around me was oblivious of that pain.    As time went on the pain continued.  Still I was the only one who knew and hurt.  Like a wounded dog, I just wanted to hide someplace where no one would see me and I wouldn't see anyone else.  

I can still feel the pain from that impact two weeks out.  I've not forgotten about that moment.  
Discoveries have been like that for me.  Days, weeks, months, years later I can still feel it.

I want the pain to go away.  
I want the memories to go away.

I see the happiness return to my husband.
I want to be happy with him and for him.
Even in the middle of a tender moment -- the thoughts break in -- uninvited -- unwanted.

I keep them to myself.
Wishing them away.

What I'm hoping for -- and praying for -- is that one day I'll find relief.

One day when the last disclosure was so far in the past.
One day when the anger isn't part of my home.
One day when H doesn't blame me.
One day when I look around and realize I feel safe and peaceful.

Maybe then -- the memories will not return with such force.

At least I hope for that.