Four days.
It took four days to get through this last bump.
This last lie.
This last disclosure.
When it finally happened. It was so much easier to work through and accept than day 1.
I was doing some research the other day when I came across a book entitled "The H Factor of Personality: And Why Some People Are Manipulative, Self-Entitled, Materialistic, and Exploitive -- And Why It Matters For Everyone." A couple of personality psychologists claim there are six personality factors. There is an acronym for these factors known as HEXACO. HEXACO means: Humility/Honesty, Emotionality, Extraversion, Agreeableness, Conscientiousness, and Openness to Experience.
The authors of this book explore the importance of the H Factor in various aspects of peoples lives and its affect on individual's approaches to money, power, sex, inclination to commit crimes, attitudes regarding society and politics and religion.
I haven't read the book, yet. I'm wondering if there is any connection to how these personality factors play into addictive tendencies. I also have a huge curiosity to what they have to say about those two issues of humility and honesty. Huge issues in my life. I added it to my wish list at Amazon. If you've read -- I'd love your input.
In "Spouses of Sex Addicts" by Richard Blankenship he says that, "The disclosure to the spouse must involve the presentation of brokenness and humility if the marriage is to be improved. Statements like, "I'm sorry, but I was having a hard time at work when I acted out, or "I feel awful about what I've done, but you weren't being very supportive at the time" are examples of statements that reflect defensiveness and justification for one's actions."
He goes on to say that to be in full recovery the addict must have a spirit of brokenness and humility without rationalization. He/she must also validate the pain that is caused in a non-minimizing way.
You might wonder why I go to all the trouble to write up research data on this issues H and I deal with. The answer to that is because for so many years I was caught up in all the crazy chaos of an addict life and felt blamed for everything. Those words above are words I heard a lot. It took many years to realize I was not to blame for H's acting out or his cravings or anything that he was doing that caused harm to him, to me, to our marriage, to our family.
Understanding the addiction as it affects the spouse is crucial to the wife healing. For me, hearing the truth regarding a disclosure in a humble, non-defensive way goes a lot to me being able to hear it with my heart. It goes a log way to me being able to accept the incident and find solution for further issues.
Proverbs 15:1 "A soft answer turneth away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger."
Proverbs 18:2 "Before destruction the heart of man is haughty, and before honor is humility.
No more true proverbs were ever played out in my home this past weekend than these.
Humility is a huge factor in dealing with disclosures.
I haven't read either of the books you mentioned, but have just started *Facing Heartbreak: Steps to Recovery for Partners of Sex Addicts* by Stephanie Carnes, PhD, Lee, and Rodriquez. (Stephanie Carnes is the daughter of Dr. Patrick Carnes) It's the one Dr. Skinner (Addo Recovery) is using for his women's counseling groups right now. I've just finished chapter 1, but it discusses a lot about betrayal trauma and how addicts justify and rationalize their behaviors. It also talks about how we need to validate our feelings and accept them as real. I found this interesting: Sometimes we try to reduce our emotional pain by blaming ourselves for our addict's behavior (or we blame God, or the other people involved with our addict, or even the 'world at large'/society/spouse's work environment, etc.). Near the end of that section they say: "....This is about traumatic crisis in your life. You have been betrayed. As you continue to focus on your own well-being, you will gradually be able to process trauma and heal from it." You and I know that's much easier said that done!!...but it sounds like you are focusing on YOU right now and that's a good thing! The interesting thing I hadn't really thought about before was that the blaming we do is to reduce our own emotional pain--I've never before thought of the blaming in that way.....
ReplyDeleteChapter 2 in the book--"Manage the Crisis"--This chapter has a lot about Boundaries-several different types of Boundaries (I'm looking forward to this section). So far this looks like an excellent book. It's got exercises for each chapter, lots of end notes, and a huge list of other resources too.
I loved your thoughts and insights on humility for us wives in hearing disclosures...something else I've never thought of either. In that moment it's so difficult sometimes to even 'keep it together', let alone be non-defensive or humble. Thank you for sharing <3
Tkme2mts, I appreciate you sharing this with me. I have never made the connection of blaming with reducing our emotional pain either. I have Facing Heartbreak on my reading list. Sounds like I should bump it up my priority list. Hugs!
Delete