His Silence = My Distance

A blog post landed in my inbox over the weekend that struck me as ironic.  It was exactly the same issue I was dealing with between H and I.

The woman in the post was looking for advice for why her husband wouldn't answer her questions about his affair(s).    She was bothered by the fact that her husband refused to answer her and often became angry.

There are many schools of thought regarding disclosures.  From the 'don't tell' to information overload.  Some wives would rather not know.  Other's need to know -- everything.

I'm closer to that latter.

The author of this blog post held the position that knowing kept her mind from running a muck.  I tend to agree.  I have learned that sometimes (not always) my imaginations are much worse than what actually happened.

Dr Skinner called the obsessive thoughts 'mind chatter.'

Anxiety is the result of excessive mind chatter.
Anxiety is counterproductive to recovery and healing.

DearPeggy.com has a good study on this issue.  She's also written on 'Breaking the Code of Secrecy".  On this topic she shares a lot of good information supporting the need for truth and disclosure.

One of the comment's dearpeggy.com made that resonated loudly with me was this:
"The process of keeping this information from others increases the feelings of shame and embarrassment (because if it weren't seen as shameful, it wouldn't need to be kept secret). And the longer it's kept secret, the stronger the feelings of shame. So the secrecy and the problem with self-esteem serve to reinforce each other."    (source: http://www.dearpeggy.com/2-affairs/secrets.html)

Going through my recovery process has provided me with an opportunity to look outside myself to H and how this whole process impacts him.   I want to believe that his openness would make that so much easier for me to accomplish.  The silence causes me to be distant.

His silence makes me doubt.  It makes me fearful.  It causes trust issues.  It impacts mood and feelings.  It is a huge intimacy blocker.

Silence isn't helping my recovery or my happy feelings towards H.

It is my position that honesty and truth are foundational to developing intimacy.

I also stand on the belief that honesty is crucial to healing and repenting.

All this, and I still feel stuck.  I cannot compel H to tell me what I need to know.   All I can do is make a request and hope that before too long, before more damage occurs, before further hurt, before more distance -- H will realize that honesty is needful for us to go forward.