I'm Skipping Valentine's Day

Uhg Valentine's Day!

I'm skipping it.

Again.

It's not that I'm in a bad mood, spiteful, mean-spirited or lacking in loving emotions.  This is actually a good time of year for me.  I celebrate the birth of my first child this time of year.

It has more to do with years of a broken marriage.

H is in a good space right now.  Kind, helpful, loving.
But, I'm bumping into all sorts of emotions I didn't expect to feel now that H has this change of heart.

What gives?

It's that trust thing again, huh?
That part of me that wants to believe, wants to let myself feel, but have had so many rounds of nice then crazy.  I don't want to get hurt again.  I refuse to go there again.

I don't want to hurt H either.

I feel like I'm in a tug-o-war between my feelings and H's.

His brain is still broken.  When I share my why's, my feelings -- it lands flat.  He's just not ready to hold any of my side of the past 25 years.

This causes and internal battle for me.   I can't ignore what I feel and I can't share.

Why is empathy and compassion so difficult for the addict?
Why do my feelings have such a loud voice that won't be silenced?

So, yeah, Valentine's Day.  Nah!  I'll pass!