Recovery Work: My Husband's Scriptures and a New Cell Phone

If there is anything I have learned over the course of 25 years of addict married life  -- it would be to give yourself plenty of room to make mistakes -- then correct the ones you can.

I am not calling last week a mistake as much as I'm calling it a big bump.  In the process of this conflict, I  have a chance to get back to my boundaries and non-negotiables, review them and work towards presenting them to H in a way that we can both be heard and respected.  


Learned lesson #1 -- It's ok to stop and back up when things get out of control.  Maybe not all the way back to separate houses (we have two and have to be careful here), but at least with enough distance to get perspective.

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It took us about 6 days to recover from last Sunday's explosion.   The recovery brought with it a tender mercy -- my husband's scriptures.  I haven't seen those beloved books for a very long time.  He quit taking them to church long ago, and once he quit going to church he buried them under the dust and debris under his dresser.

I asked H about them when I noticed them sitting on my dresser Sunday morning.  His reply; "If I'm going to do this -- I'm going to do it all the way."  (I am learning to appreciate his black/white nature when it brings about good things.)  I was pretty speechless at that point, but I managed to give him a big hug between the unbidden tears.

Learned lesson #2 -- Let H know when you appreciate his efforts.

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H needed a new cell phone.  I hate his phone.  It is emotionally connected to a very bad day and ugly discoveries.   I am trying to work through it -- except….

I discovered last night while trying to help him get everything transferred that he has names of women listed as some of his game center friends.

I have this issue:  My (*under construction) Personal Bill of Rights:

1. I have a right to never again share my husband with another woman (in any form) or in any way (internet, text, email, phone, in person, etc)

Quietly and bravely I said to H, "I'm not ok with you playing games with other women.  I'm really not ok with the games -- but if you are going to play them, please do what you can to keep your game friends to men only."     Shockingly H agreed and said he would delete all of the female friends.

Issue resolved.

Learned Lesson #3  --  Voice your concerns quietly and calmly with 'I'm not comfortable with ______"

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It hasn't always been this easy to resolve issues.  In fact, for most of my life it was next to impossible.  There is a huge piece of me that doesn't trust this.  I'm trying to turn this lack of trust over to God and allow him to help guide us through this recovery.