Betrayal Trauma and Trying Again

I need to update my blog.
I need to explain what happened.

The last post I made was short -- painful -- the end.
I thought.
Something changed.

Early the following morning I started receiving texts from my husband.
Text with words like; "I want my life back. "  "I was wrong."  "I behaved badly."

It took my breath away.
I was frightened and doubted.

How did change happened overnight?  What does he really want?  Can I believe him?  Should I?

When you have loved one person as long as I have you do hang on to every word and every hope.  When you have been hurt by one person as much as I have you doubt every hope too.  This is part of Betrayal Trauma.  (I need to talk more about this -- but first -- my story.)

My husband and I texted for a long while that morning.  We talked about forgiveness.  We talked about a clean slate, a new beginning.  We talked about how hard it would be, but that we had to try.

He came home.

It's been 8 days since that horrible night.  I remember I didn't sleep at all.  I hugged my pillow and cried.  I tried to look forward to how I would explain this to my kids, to my friends, to people at church.  I thought about what I would do on New Years Day so that my kids and I wouldn't feed the hurt and sadness.  I thought about all that has happened between us -- the good and the bad -- and just felt so sad.

The real and raw truth is, I wanted him to get to that point.  I was tired of vacillating back and forth -- wanting him and hating him.  I knew I'd never get past this until he was ready to quit.   I wanted this so all the pain and ugliness between us would stop.   I wouldn't stop loving him, but maybe I could stop living the pain and craziness everyday.

He didn't want to quit.  I am still in a bit of shock with this.  I know there was divine intervention that night.  I know it because I was on my knees a lot of the time praying for help.  Evidently he was too.   I prayed for help because part of me really was happy when he was around.  At least when he was happy I was happy.  It just never seemed to stay that way.  Which is why I prayed.

I have heard prophets and church leaders talk about 'soul mates' or 'pre-destined marriages' as something that is just not factual.  Yet a part of me, wonders how well my husband and I knew each other in our former life.  What is that connection that draws us together so tightly, and why does it seem the Adversary works so hard to tear us apart?

So here we are 8 days later.  My husband told our therapist last night that he was happy.  He told him that he feels like he found his friend again.  It surprised me to hear that.  The hurt part of me doubted it a bit.  The current me is going to hang on to that and give this another shot.

I'm sure people will ask why.  My son has.  He's furious with me for letting my husband come back.  The answer to this question for me has to do with my belief that we are given all the chances we need by Heavenly Father.  How can I say my husband has had too many chances?   I know in my very soul I could end this and it would be ok with my Heavenly Father.  I know this is really my choice and either way it will be ok.  I'm choosing the path of second chances right now and praying for the Lord's hand to bless this choice.

I'm going to work on at unraveling the betrayal trauma.  I know that is part of what undoes me and makes it difficult to work with the personality my husband has developed from the lies and deception.  The more I understand this -- the more I will be able to hang on to the truth and make good decisions going forward.