Adjusting

It's been a couple weeks since my husband's return.  While there seems to be changes in him (in some ways) I am still adjusting and trying to cope with the triggers that keep coming up.

Like  --

  -- When he spends long periods of time in the bathroom.
  -- When he tells me he plans to spend the evening with me and instead spends it with his cell phone.
  -- When I'm not really trusting what he's doing on his computer.
  -- When he's at work I'm wondering if the women that have his work number still call him.
  -- When I'm thinking about those e-mail accounts the therapist told him to show me (three weeks ago) and he still hasn't.

The day my husband came back he told me he would never do anything to cause me to wonder or be concerned again.  My reality is, he hasn't a clue what that really means to me.  I wonder every day.  More so on days when he is at work.

I'll wonder and remain concerned until …
   ....every unanswered question is answered.
    ...looking back I realize I've never had to live through another disclosure bomb dropped on me.
  ….looking back I realize I haven't seen his profile up on a dating site.
  ….until I feel safe with person who was never supposed to put fear into my heart and soul in the first place.


What is bothering me the most right now is that I keep looking around the corner for this to fall apart.  Why can't I just believe?  Why can't I let my heart trust?  Why does this addiction damage a wife's heart so much that good times and positive changes are so difficult to hold on to?