Disclosures Lies Broken Brain

I don't like trickling disclosures.
I don't like lies.

I had to deal with both of these yesterday.

I discovered some lies and a craigslist personal my husband had answered.  He lied about that.
I discovered him soliciting sex again.  He lied about that.

You would think after 25 years of being discovered H would learn that lies, cover-ups, deceptions, etc. always find their way out of the dark hole he tries to bury them in.

You would think -- except addicts have a broken brain.

The word 'addiction' comes from the Latin reference for "enslaved" or "bound to".  Makes sense.   The school of thought used to be that only alcohol and drugs could be considered a cause for addiction.   Researchers are now realizing that 'pleasure activities' sex, shopping, eating, and gambling can also be a cause.

In the early 1900s it was believed that addictions were some how a moral flaw or lack of willpower.  Punishments being the preferred treatment to 'break the habit.'  Our current mode of thought is that addiction is a chronic disease that changes the brain striation and function -- just like  heart disease changes and damages the heart.   The term often used for the damaged or broken brain as a 'hijacked brain."    Just like with drugs a surge of dopamine is released under the cerebral cortex when the brain registers pleasure.  What takes an enjoyable moment to addiction is the speed, intensity and reliability of these dopamine releases to the brain.

This is complicated further due to the fact that dopamine also effects learning and memory.  An important factor in the process of liking something to becoming addicted to it.   Dopamine interacts with  other neurotransmitters that take over the brains system of reward-related learning.   This particular system links activities needed for human survival with pleasure and reward.

I ran into this broken brain last night when I presented H with an email I came across on his phone.  Instead of telling the truth -- H packed and ran.

Here I am again trying to sort through the disclosure, the lies, the leaving again on my own.  Sorting through the right way and the wrong way to deal with these continual issues.  Always asking myself, "what would the Savior do?"  And alway wondering if I can ever say, 'enough is enough."

Is it ok to require honesty?
Is it ok to have boundaries?  Or are those ultimatums?
Is it ok to say 'no, you can't live here if you cannot stop what you are doing."

Sometimes I wonder if it is not just H's brain that is broken.  So much damage and trauma from all these years of never really knowing what the truth is.

I hear myself 'sigh' as I wander around the house.  The pain is audible.  I keep apologizing to my D.  Telling her that I just need to let it out so that it doesn't build and come out in other ways.  But I know it bothers her.  I feel bad.

Some days -- I really wish I could turn this trial in for another one.  Even though I know all the stores of how if all the trials of all the world were put in a pile for us to choose -- we'd still choose our own -- the one we are familiar with.  I still ---  want to see if I can feel more successful with something else  -- for a change.