My Fence and My Boundaries (a page under construction)

This is a picture of a fence I have in my recovery journal.  The picture is from an assignment from one of my therapists.  The objective was to draw ( or find) a picture that represented my personal boundary wall or fence.  The reason I chose this picture was because it represents the lack of care for my personal rights, both by myself and by my husband.  It shows damage to the relationship and boundary.  Still, it also shows strength and growth as represented in the tall and strong trees and the green of the field floor.  At face value this image appears to be a sad or forgotten space, but when looking deeper there is still the possibility of hope.  I see my marriage and myself with those hopes in mind.

However, because of what happened last weekend I realized I needed to revisit the instructions on creating boundaries and a personal bill of rights that I was taught by Dr. Kevin Skinner at Addo Recovery (www.addorecovery.com) 

Dr. Skinner taught that boundaries are not at attempt to be controlling or mean.  Instead they are an expectation that you ask others to respect.   

Rhyll Crowshaw (www.rhyllrecovery.com) shares this on her blog;  "Boundaries are set because we do not want to enable our loved ones in a behavior that is, “Mood Altering, Belief Changing, Relationship Damaging, Addiction Forming, Socially Harmful, Spiritually Deadening, and Life Crippling” (Jill Manning) it is essential that we stand for our truth at ALL times. Boundaries are for safety and an expression of love for ourselves and for others."

Boundaries then, are a way for me to feel safe in an unsafe situation.  


My Boundary List (*under construction)

1.  Having my home free of language, images, jokes, etc that disrespects the spirit

2.  Having the right to my own personal opinions and beliefs.  Being able to state them in a safe environment without being ridicule or negated.

3.  Having a right to have a truth-based marriage in all areas of concern;  sex/intimacy, money, relationships outside of the marriage, etc.

4.  Having a right to healthy, wholesome intimacy in the marriage.


My (*under construction) Personal Bill of Rights:

1. I have a right to never again share my husband with another woman (in any form) or in any way (internet, text, email, phone, in person, etc)

2.  I have a right to a home where our LDS beliefs and values are lived, expressed, respected, taught.

3.  I have a right to remove any material, object, device, etc. that is potentially damaging to the Spirit or safety in my home.

4.  I have a right to clean, wholesome intimate relationship with my husband.

Dr. Skinner taught another lesson on "Non-negotiables" that was very difficult for me as I was going through his classes.  Setting limits was very difficult for me.  My husband always saw a limit as 'an ultimatum."   Working through my recovery I am seeing the need for a list of items that I will not yield on.

My  (*under construction) Non-negotiables:
1. My place is first; before work, children, friends, activities/events, etc.  
2. We will be a church attending, church living couple
3. I will not be bullied or manipulated in any degree or in any situation (opinions, intimacy, etc)
4. I have a right to express when I feel unsafe and have that feeling acknowledged and addressed.







List Disclaimer:

*The purpose of marking these lists as 'under construction' is so that I can take the time I need to ponder upon these rights and boundaries to be sure the cover and include all the areas that have been damaged in my marriage.  I was scared to death last year to make these lists.  As I looked over the material and listened to the sessions 25 years of doubt and lack of self-confidence convinced me that setting up conditions like this would lead to the end of my marriage.  I faultily believed that I needed to comply to my husband's requests and forego my needs to stay married.  I was wrong and I am now fixing this.