Bill of Rights

Sunday, December 23, 2018

The White Heron and the Geese



Sitting in the river is this majestic creature, pure white, stately, alone. The irony of this situation hits me with full force every time. The White Heron. I see them often where I live. I have watched them for years. Never have I seen them in groups like the geese.


Geese are all over the place where I live -- just like this -- with their flock. The contrast is striking!


I don't know much about the Heron (or Egret as they are also known). They are said to be monogamous birds, with the male being the nest builder. He begins to build the home and then seeks out the mate.

What I haven't been able to determine, is why I never see these birds in pairs. The contrast of the geese -- always in a group -- a family -- leaves a mark on my soul each time.

Birds fascinate me. Their life seems care free at times and yet, like all of God's creatures they have a purpose and a mission in His world.

Their mission seems so much easier to follow and accomplish than mine.

My life is more like...


A rickety, broken down, weed-infested, roller coaster!

Somedays, even with the ups and downs, my travels along the road of life are smooth. Other times, the ruts, detours and road blocks -- along an almost impassable course -- leave me to wonder how I will navigate the path ahead.

The past few months have been like that with me -- or at least like that with H. No matter how hard I try, I continue to find myself in the same space, feeling the same let down feelings, alone -- like that Heron in the water. 

Tonight the struggle to hold tight to boundaries is not helping me. Every couple of minutes the thoughts return to my mind to call or text. Battling those thoughts is not easy. The truth is, I'm not even sure if it will make me feel better or worse. 

Will the text bring on the gaslighting dialogue? 
Will I be blamed for letting things go so long, when over and over I have asked him to reach out and include me in his life?
Will he make it about him and not take ownership?




It's too cold to go sit along my favorite river's edge, with the Heron and geese, to ponder this dilemma. Instead, I go there in my mind, battling against myself. Praying for strength.

The only problem is -- I don't know what side of the issue to apply the strength for which I have prayed.





Sunday, September 23, 2018

Am I Invisibe?

I remember years back, when the trials of my life were intense, standing up in a women's meeting to share my testimony. I was particularly vulnerable and raw in the words I chose to share that day. Typically, I reserve the real me for a rare few, but this day, all the pain I keep hidden from the world needed release.

I remember (sometimes embarrassingly so when I think too long about this experience) telling those women sitting in that room, that I longed for a trail that was visible to the world. I thought a broken leg or maybe cancer would be better than what I was dealing with alone that day.


To not be seen is one of life's greatest pains. 





I wanted to be seen -- and heard -- that Sunday morning.








He knows your heart
He knows your pain
He knows the strength it took just too simply breathe today
He sees the tears that you cry
He knows your soul is aching to know why
He hears your prayers each humble word
When you said you couldn't face another day he understood
He knows the path that you will find
Though you felt alone he's never left your side

Chorus:
He knew there'd be moments when no earthly words
Could take away your sorrow
And no human eyes could see what you're going through
When you've taken your last step and done all that you can do
He will lift your heavy load and carry you

He'll bring you peace and leave you hope
And in the darkest night he'll comfort you
Until you know the sun will rise and each new day
You will have the strength to live again

Chorus:
And in those moments when no earthly words
can take away your sorrow
And no human eyes could see what you're going through
When you've taken your last step and done all that you can do
He will lift your heavy load and carry you

He hears you when you're crying in the night
He hears you when your soul longs to find
Till the morning will come
And the light of the dawn reassures

Chorus:
That in the moments when no earthly words
can take away your sorrow
And no human eyes could see what you're going through
When you've taken your last step and done all that you can do
He will lift your heavy load and carry you
 ~ Hillary Weeks



No one said a word to me at the meeting's end. 
It was ok.
I didn't need those women to see me.
In that moment, I knew God saw me.
I knew He always did -- he always would. 

There are so many time through out this life, I have wanted people to see me, to feel with me, to make space in a few moments of their day for me. 

It is such a beautiful gift we give one another to truly see them.

What I didn't see that Sunday morning, in the sharing of my pain, is that I would need that experience to recognize that need in other women. To learn that others, like me, have pain the world cannot see. 
One day, God would put those women in my life to sit with.

I would see them.
I would make space for them.
I would sit with their pain.
I would honor them for their strength.
I would love them -- even more -- for allowing me the gift of seeing them.




"Life carves a holding place in our hearts" (Wilcox, 2009) from which God will use us as His hands, to bless others; to help Him reach across the chasms of His world and ours to feel him -- and trust him. 

That day, He filled the empty space in me with an awareness I could later use to help others. 

We are not invisible.
God sees us.
He shows himself to us through the love of charity of his other children.