Working Through the Muck

I recently polled some of my WoPA friends about their husband's willingness to talk about his addiction with them.  I wanted to specifically know how their husbands treated them when they needed to talk.  I was surprised by their answers.

Surprised, because in my home, H does NOT like to talk.  He says he will 'listen to me."  It just rarely happens where I feel heard and he doesn't feed his shame while trying to hear my hurt.

I don't know what to do with all the hurt and pain if I can't talk about it.


I was trolling around a couple of my favorite blogs this week trying to sort though some of this when a couple of words from a post I was reading stood out so strongly I felt it physically.  The author referred to his wife as being a "connoisseur of hurt."

Seriously, that small phrase hit me like a ton of bricks.  I knew it was true.  Not just for this recovering addict's wife, but for all of the women (and all that I don't) who have been tried to their breaking point with this addiction.


Here's the definition of this word so as to fully grasp this reference

con-nois-seur - n.  : a person who knows a lot about something (such as art, wine, food, etc
                              : an expert in a particular subject


Bam!

A pretty accurate definition for us WoPAs.

It sucks.


I'm not sure I want to be an expert in hurt or pain.


As I was thinking through all of this is brought me to another comment I hear a lot:

 "I didn't sign up for this......."


I've said that before, and a lot of other things like it.  "I don't deserve this" is another one I have had to work through.  In fact I wrote a post on this topic a little over a year ago (slow processing  - maybe??).

Did we choose the path of this life?  The trials and tests?  The hurts and pains?  

I lean towards the yes side of this debate.  I lean that way because I understand how important agency is to Father's plan.


I often wander around Ask Gramps dot org for opinions of different topics.  He weighs in on this issue here as he discusses the choosing of family.


Then these words hit me as I was reading a article on Meridian Magazine:  'As she was agonizing about her situation, she had a powerful spiritual experience. She unexpectedly heard her dead husband’s voice. He was speaking as if from the pre-existence, and she heard him say, “I will go down. I will marry Jane and we will have ten children. I will then die, so that Jane can learn to understand the Atonement!”    


Did we do that?

Did I say, "I will go down.  I will marry H, a sex-addict.  I will sludge through 26 years of hell so that he can learn about the atonement?  (so that i can learn about the atonement)



Last week in group we discussed the first part of Step 2 (Come to believe that the power of God can restore us to spiritual and emotional health.). This sentence; 'For every affliction..the Savior has a remedy of superior healing power.'  

I believe this to be true.

I also understand the importance of working through, and processing all of the emotions -- especially the negative ones.  

...and I have years and years of this negative muck that needs worked through


This is where I am stuck --

In my personal step work I came across this question:
  "How is constantly remembering the sins of our addicted loved ones keeping me from fully forgiving them?"

Reading that, and processing through the question, I felt like I ran head first into a fine line between processing and 'constantly remembering' ....and now this issue 'fully forgiving'.

....it is like a constant battle in my head these days

H feels the same way.  He vocally wonders if it is going to take me 26 years to get past all the pain he's caused.


Is there such a thing as too much processing?

Is is possible that I've not let go and let God enough?

Maybe the lack of fully forgiving is the reason I'm struggling with the relationship?

Have I been tricky myself into believing that for the past 10 months I have been attempting to show mercy and forgiveness?

Has staying in this marriage while H works out his issues any indication of forgiveness?  



Too many questions.  Not enough answers.



In my attempt to work out this confusion I'm studying a keynote address given by Sheri Dew at a women's conference.  Here' the link



And pondering this quote: (also from that same address linked above) 
"The Savior has “all power” in heaven and on earth.11 He has power to cleanse, forgive, and redeem us; power to heal us of weakness, illness, and heartache; power to inspire us; power to conquer Satan and overcome the flesh; power to work miracles; power to deliver us from circumstances we can’t escape ourselves; power over death; and power to strengthen us. When the Apostle Paul said, “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me,”12 he was describing grace."

I don't know when I'll feel settled with all of this, but I do believe that I can find 'the power to deliver me from circumstances I can't escape myself"  through the grace of the atonement.

And so...I continue to plow through the muck, the hurt, the pain, the confusion in search of the deliverance and His grace.