Several months ago I moved H into the guest room. At the time, I had no idea how long this change would last. I needed peace and time to sort through the trauma of him being in my bed at night, and the chaos of my mind chatter. I wish I had insisted on it last April. In my confusion and my attempt to always do the right thing, I neglected to create a safe healing place for me. I turned my emotional knob to "numb." I put on the happy face at home and at church and pretended all was well. The Prodigal returned.
As the days and weeks went by, it didn't feel happy to me. It didn't feel like a blessing, or that the return of "the Prodigal," the cause of years of hurt and pain and betrayal, should be celebrated.
They were delighted at church to see him after all those years.
I wore a mask.
For weeks, no, months really.
I still wear this mask, almost a year later. And I am still not happy.
I remember telling H on the phone the day he called, crying, pleading, begging for a second (or 18th) chance, that this was a trial. I could not tell him that I loved him, or if I ever would. I could not tell him that I would ever want him to sleep in my bed or have any kind of intimate relationship again. I could not promise that a month, or even a year later, I would not still want a divorce.
The sadness in H's voice that day ran straight to the empathic heart of mine. It hurt to hear his pain. I felt so bad for him.
I forgot all about me in that hour long phone call.
Now that this year of H's excommunication comes round, I'm starting to notice the mistakes I made in last year's reconciliation. Laying myself aside for another is a good thing -- in the gospel sense. For purposes of healing, it was a huge mistake.
As I peel away the years of betrayal, I begin to notice a survival techniques I employed to get through the pain I live with daily. From the very beginning of my marriage I had reason to divorce H. As the years went by I found myself stuck in a sort of black hole. Time went by as evidence mounted. I was too numb, and to scared to put an end to the betrayal.
In a way, I gave H permission to betray me. I gave him permission by not standing up for me.
In fear of having this black hole over take me. I made a 180 degree turn in the opposite and moved H into the other room.
I found my peace in this decision.
For once in my married life I didn't have to lay awake to protect myself from being taken advantage of while I slept. For once, I was free to sleep without being awakened by groping hands.
I continue to justify for this decision with advice like this:
Having sex with their partner may be a bad idea for a sex addict in early recovery because it impedes their recovery:
- It does not allow for the neural “reset” that lets the addict brain to begin to “re-wire” itself. In other words, it keeps the addiction going by giving the addict a small amount of the “drug.”
- The addict in early recovery will likely revert to his or her addictive fantasies during sex with a spouse or partner. This means that the addict is not really having sex with the partner but is using the partner to re-live addict behaviors in their mind. This is sometimes referred to as “euphoric recall.”
- Part of the addict’s recovery is learning how to integrate sex into a normal relationship vs. keeping up a separate and secret sexual life. Early in recovery the addict will be lacking in the intimacy skills necessary for a healthy relationship. Only in the context of a healthy relationship can there be a healthy sexual relationship.
Having sex early recovery may be a bad idea for the partner because it is for the wrong reasons:
- They feel the need to have sex with their spouse or partner to “compete” with the object of the addiction or to prove their attractiveness. Partners of addicts should never take this on themselves. It’s the addict’s problem and it isn’t ever about the partner!
- They feel they are responsible for “fixing” the addict and think that having sex with them will help. The addict needs help but not in the form of sex, even with someone they love.
- Sometimes partners feel they should not withdraw sexually because they will be seen as “punishing” the addict. But even if they are angry, withdrawing sexually can be a normal response to the betrayal.
- They are trying to use sex as a way to repair the relationship. Partners of sex addicts may be very hurt and traumatized. They need to recover from that trauma first and worry about the relationship later.
- They have a desire for sex themselves and it makes them feel better. This is often a misguided attempt to make things “the way they were” before the crisis. It is understandable to feel this way but relationships in recovery need to be very different from what went before.
Bottom line, sex addiction is serious. It requires not only a recovery from the addictive behavior but the learning of a new way of living in integrity and honesty. The couple must lay a foundation first before deciding whether to resume a relationship on a new footing or not. This takes a lot of time and work. Abstaining from sex in the beginning months of recovery is an important part of the process for both addict and partner. (Link)
My favorite addiction therapist, Maurice Hawker, has this to say on the issue: "Simply, whenever the offending spouse has a lost battle, the offender must sleep outside the marital bed; on first offense, this is one night. On second offense, this is two nights. On third, three and so forth. Offender sleeps on the floor of the bedroom, on the couch in the other room or wherever the offended decides. This decision about where to sleep should be made in advance so that it is not based on emotion.
So, what should a wife be allowed to expect from her husband in the area of sexuality? She should be able to expect him to gain complete mastery over his sexual urges. She should be able to expect him to not use her to get his "fix". She should be allowed to expect to not be emotionally abused no matter how much discomfort he feels when he must "go without", especially if he is in recovery. "Helping a guy out" by providing him with a sexual experience right after he is emotionally unpleasant with his wife is like buying a candy bar for a child after he throws a tantrum in the grocery store check out line. She should be allowed to experience sexuality as an edifying experience, an activity that brings a sense of peace, joy and closeness to both her and her spouse. For more detail on this read, "And the Man Knew His Wife".
I blew it last year, and now I'm trying to correct that mistake. Whether I've over-corrected or not might need another blog post to sort through. For now, the longer this continues the less interest I have to return to shared room or shared bed. I've returned to my well known survival lifestyle of hiding from hurt and pain. Pretending it didn't happen. Not talking about it, and steering clear of H the best I can.
Where this takes my marriage is yet to be determined.
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