The Big "D" Discussion

I have huge pieces of my childhood missing from my memory. I'm not sure why. I've talked about this with several counselors, all to no avail. Maybe it is just as well. Some of the things I do remember are difficult enough.  

I grew up in a good home. Like most families, we had our own issues, my dad in particular. He was born after the tragic death a sister. Naturally, the death was very difficult on his parents. When dad was born, the oldest child in the family was 11 years older than he (a family dynamic I am very familiar with my own children). I don't know a lot of his childhood experiences, but I have the sense they were painful enough that it affected him tremendously. 

At one point in our family history my dad made some choices that tested our family -- more importantly his marriage. I have many memories of those days. I'd just finished my first year at college. I'd gone home to work for the summer to earn money for another year's tuition. This one particular day I was helping my mom with the laundry. In that home, mom always put dad's laundry away for him. This day, I was doing that task.  

It is a day I'll never forget. As I was putting socks in the drawer, I noticed an envelope with a woman's handwriting that I did not recognize. I don't remember the strong impressions that encouraged me to pull that envelope out into clearer view -- but I know they were there. Never in a million years would I snoop in my dad's drawers without that impression.

The words on that paper tore at my heart, and made me sick in the pit of my stomach.  

They made me angry too.

I was angry at my dad. I was angry at the other woman. I was angry for my mom, and for myself and my siblings. I was angry at God and angry at all the rules and principles that we were taught to live -- but that for whatever reason my dad chose not to honor.  

I hated having to be the one to show that letter to my mom.  

I watched my mom go through all the typical emotions a disclosure of that type generates. I watched all the hurt and anger boil up. I watched as all the emotions from all the crap she'd been put through in her marriage came bubbling up to the surface to look at, sort through and to re-live.

I hated my dad that day.

I hated the idea of marriage that day.

I hated cheaters and liars that day too.


I watched my mom go through the process of sorting out what happened from what she needed to do. Many counseling sessions with bishops, stake presidents and family were held. It is no small thing to sort out all that must be worked through after covenants and vows are violated. 

There was a separation.

There were talks of divorce, plans to sell, to move, to divide. 

It's all part of the process.


And then the most amazing thing happened.  




Reconciliation.




I have a good idea of mom's emotions and the process she went through to get to that decision. I know the issues you have to work through. I'm familiar with the self-esteem issues, the doubting of your value and the questions that seem to never end as to what is really going on in your husband's mind when the two of you are together.  


As I process my own current marriage challenges I wonder how much of what I saw, all the spoken and unspoken messages of my parental examples, has impacted my choices and thought processes in the challenges in my marriage. 


Questions plague me constantly.  Like:

Am I really feeling impressions or is my hurt and despair causing these thoughts?

Should I stay in my marriage and honor my covenants no matter what my husband does?

Is there ever a point you can say enough is enough?

Can you get to the point where there has been so much pain that there isn't enough love?

Am I obligated to stay in the marriage because of H's repentance?



Every time H and I have the "D" discussion (we've had it more frequently during the past few months) he almost always reminds me of the miracle God can work in our marriage. I believe in God's power to work miracles. What I don't believe is that he will work miracles and disregard our agency.  

Truthfully, right now, I don't know what part of that miracle to pray for.  

I just wish like anything there was one side of the divorce debate that did not cause despair. I don't feel good about either option right now. I'm not happily married and I don't want to be divorced either.