Deliverance

I like this quote.  On one hand, it feels good to read it.  On the other, I feel all sorts of emotions still coming out sideways and I am struggling with what is required to get "prepared." So If I'm not defined by my past -- what do I do with it when its all sorts of ugly?

There is a conversation that takes place both in and outside the recovery circle about healing.  So many inside the church will tell you 'read your scriptures and pray more'  (insert eye roll/brow lift). and you'll get over it or get through it.

I'll be the first in line to tell you how wonderful the scriptures are for feeding your spirit.  I will also go on record to testify of the power of prayer.  I know from my own personal experience that prayer is the genesis of many miracles.

The truth is, everyone I know looking for recovery and healing is wanting to find a way out, a way through this pain and anguish.  If scriptures and prayer alone were the solution I would have found my way out of my anguish long ago.  Instead, I've spent much of 25 years pleading and praying for relief, for release, for deliverance.

From time to time over the years the Lord will 'throw me a bone' if you will.  He'll feed me little pieces of truth or principle just enough for me to hang on to for a while.

This CD has helped me tremendously in my recovery work.  I didn't realize it at the time, because I really wasn't actively pursuing recovery, like I am now.  I was trying to survive.  Any thing that gave me an ounce of strength was manna to my wounded soul.

In this CD Dr Wilcox teaches several wonderful concepts.  He teaches about the fourth watch and what that means in Jewish society.  He talks about God being a fourth watch God and what that might mean to us as his children.

In the scriptures there are so many wonderful examples of fourth watch deliverance.  Even the First Vision we see that God waited until the boy Joseph felt he was 'doomed to sudden destruction' the Father and the Son appeared.

If I've learned anything, I've learned that some trials are not easy to get out of.  Deliverance or relief are not the answers the Lord is going to send no matter how often that plea is made.   This lesson was first taught to me in the long and anguish pleas for more children.  I was promised in my patriarchal blessing children.  Not child.  And yet for 11 years all I had was one child.  In mortality, 11 years is an eternity and so difficult to wait out.  During that time I entertained all sorts of faulty beliefs.  Like; I wasn't a good mom.  I wasn't worthy.  The patriarch somehow mis-spoke in the blessing, erroneously using the more common word 'children.'  It wasn't until years later, when I was finally working my recovery from my H's addiction that I was able to undo those faulty beliefs I had about how that blessing of children played out in my life.

My favorite principle that Br. Wilcox teaches in this CD is a lesson on 'the holding place.'  A holding place is a point we reach in life where our experience and understanding is sufficient that we can hold or accept and understand the instructions from the Lord or the lessons from our trials.  I just love this principle.  It fits so well with this graphic at the top of this post.

All of this leads me to an experiences I had two nights ago.  After all the frustration I've had with H the past few weeks I finally reached to a friend's husband to get a priesthood blessing.  I'm so glad I did. The blessing was beautiful and the spirit so strong it brought us all to tears.  I was given validation for some of the feelings I have regarding H.   As well as peace and comfort and an assurance that the experiences I have been going through are preparing me for the mission the Lord wants me to fulfill. 

All this brings to mind verses of scripture I have always loved.  

Doctrine and Covenants, section 122:

 5 If thou art called to pass through tribulation; if thou art in perils among false brethren; if thou art in perils among robbers; if thou art in perils by land or by sea;

 7 And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.

 9 Therefore, hold on thy way...

Hold thy way  -- all these things shall give thee experience and be for thy good.

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