Pouring Out My Heart

Today is the first Sunday of the new year, which in the LDS culture means a shift in meeting times.  In most LDS chapels more than one ward (group of members that meet and function together) meets in the local building.  Our meeting times are based on a three-hour block period: 9:00 - 12:00, 11:00 - 2:00 and 1:00 - 4:00.  Yearly we rotate these meeting times among the wards.  We just ended our turn with the 1:00 block in December.  This year we move up to the 9:00 meeting time.  It is a huge shift for those of us who have spent the last year languishing around on Sunday morning.  

For weeks I have been gearing up my family for a shift in weekend activity patterns to ensure that we are all rested and functioning for this new meeting schedule.  Changes such as; no more late Saturday movie/TV time and changes in our showering schedules should have helped make today go better than it did.  

All my well thought out plans were interrupted by last night's bout of insomnia.  Horrible insomnia where I lay in bed staring at the darkened ceiling with a battery of never ending thoughts preventing even the smallest hope of sleep.  

Around 3:00, when I couldn't turn off the debate in my mind any longer, I got up out of bed and went downstairs to rid my mind of what was plaguing my heart.

For hours I poured out my heart to H, explaining in as authentic and vulnerable way why I was struggling so with him -- and with me.  When the words finally stopped it was nearing dawn. I read through the pages a couple times, then took them upstairs to H.  I told him about my night, and that I was going to soak in a hot tub to ease my fatigue.  I asked if he would read my notes and then come talk to me.  

He never came. 

In fact, he didn't say a word to me all morning as he was getting ready to leave for church with little D.  

My sleepless night, and a week-long migraine made my decision to stay home from my meetings today pretty easy.  As I sit here while my family is at church I'm wondering if any of the following would warrant the silent treatment from H.

Here are some of the thoughts I put into my notes I shared with H.

* Eight months after my last D-day, I am finding myself in incredible turmoil.  H's and my daily interactions are painful.  In my attempt to find answers to my turmoil I need to go back to the beginning to see what I did wrong and to find solutions for going forward.

* The notes began with an acknowledgement of H's value and my desire to see him return to the fold with membership in good standing.  I also acknowledged the difficult road this has been for him, and the great amount of work it is taking. 

* Looking back I can see that agreeing to have H come home so soon after such a painful disclosure was largely due to my fears and lack of trust.  In a way, that was very controlling, as well as dangerous for myself and H.  I did not know how to think about staying married to H and not living in the same house.  With so much pain and trauma to sort though, I couldn't, at that time, think my way through boundaries to creating a way to start over -- separate at first -- giving us each time to heal on our own before re-uniting.

* I realize the error in not going with H to see the bishop and hear part of H's disclosure to a priesthood leader.  The mistake here was that we did not get priesthood counsel or discuss the best method to reunite.  I was also not afforded the compassion and empathy I should have received from the bishop as he heard how the depth of H's acting out destroyed so much of me as a wife, a women, a daughter of God, a human being.  (To this day my bishop has never asked to talked to me about what happened.  Once, when I asked for a blessing, my bishop asked me why I wasn't 'over this yet'.)

* One of the biggest mistakes I made prior to H's return was in not praying about it.  When I think about that now I know it was fear and trauma that kept me from it.  I was so numb, so dead emotionally.  I couldn't even feel.  I still struggle feeling.  Looking back, I felt that if we just give it 'one more try' I would be able to figure it out, pray about it as we go -- and then I would know what the Lord wanted me to do.  

* I wrote about the lack of emotion and connection between us.  I thought that separating bedrooms and taking a break from any sexual intimacy for a while that the need for connection would draw us closer together.  I has done the opposite.  

* For the past few months H has been working his 12-steps with a local ARP group.  Recently in conversation I asked if he was planning to let me read his step 4.  H told me it was not my business and he did not have to let me read it.  Those comments were a pivotal point for me. H has kept things from me our entire marriage, preventing me from being able to make informed choices about him, about our future, and even about the value in continuing in this marriage.  It is my position that I have a right to a full disclosure.  I have a right to know everything about him now.  I have a right to make an informed decision about my future with him.  I shared my thoughts on this unresolved issue with him in my notes.

After H left for church I went up into the room he's using to look for the note.  I wanted it back.  I felt like an unacknowledged note, even a small acknowledgement that he was still working through it, is appropriate civility.  He must have the note with him.  I could find it no where.  I'm a little concerned about that knowing that one of the guys from his ARP group is in our ward.  Those pages contained some very vulnerable feelings.  Feelings that I was being very brave to share with H in our current circumstances.  Part of me feels violated.  Right or wrong, faulty are valid, I feel possible betrayal at H's silent treatment and the lack of acknowledgement.  

I've been praying all morning Heavenly Father will help impress H to privacy for the time being and for guidance as to whether to ask for the note back.  I'm not sure I even want a reply at this point.  

In my note this morning I also shared my feelings about divorce.  I'm not looking to divorce.  In truth, it does not fit in my personal value system.  What I don't want to do is continue to force a marriage that is beyond repair or rule out the gain that could come from a divorce. It could be very possible that we need that kind of space to find our own personal healing.  Presently we have nothing of value to add to the marriage as damaged and in pain as we both are.  

I'm expecting the door to open at any moment.  My stomach is in a knot.  I just hate this.  I know that I'm supposed to have faith and trust that the Lord knows what He is guiding me to.  I just wish, for once, I could figure out if any of that involved me and H.  

.....to be continued