Year End Reflections

I'm ready for this year to end.  It has been one of the hardest on record.  The beginning of this year felt like one revolving door: separate - reunite - separate - reunite until I didn't know if I was coming or going in my own skin.  The pains of each discovery that sent H back to our other home so many times this year compounded each time he came back bringing his lies and deception with him.  This took its toll on both of us this year.  For H, at least, I am grateful he hit his pit of despair deep and hard enough to finally choose a healthier life for him. 

I've had things taken away and things added upon this year.  In fact, one issue in particular has felt to me one of the greatest losses, that of H's church membership.  Though his growth is slow, it is at least in a more forward path than ever before in our years together.  

My oldest joined the Marines early this year.  Something I said would never happen on my watch.  Luckily he waited until after he married.  That meant leaving behind a wife and two small children to wait on him and his training completion.   Another  complication and blessing to my year.

The first year has past in my new home filling it with a year full of memories.  Not all ones I want to hang on to.  I'm learning though, to see past the trials to the lessons within them.  Something I constantly remind myself of as I continue to process the hurt and pain and work my recovery.  

Anniversaries of D-days and triggers still plague me, surprising me with a continual physically and emotionally painful reminder of the life I have been living.  I told H today in one of our conversations that I still freeze and have a physical reaction every time he comes in the door.  I have a lot of faith that time will heal this.  I longingly await that season of peace.

I took an awesome trip home to visit family and attend Togetherness in October which was the highlight of my whole year.  The conference was amazing, but being able to meet so many of the warrior women I've come to know and love was an amazing experience.

One of my greatest victories, though not initially in my 2014 yearly plan was going back to school.  I aced the semester with a butt-kicking A.  I managed to keep my scores up above 98% the whole semester.  Truly this did more to boost a mangled self-esteem than anything else I accomplished this year.

This year is ending with me still in a state of indecision.  Letting H come home in April without firm boundaries, without enough therapy to sort through all the issues that his actions brought with him was my worst decision of the year.  I realize now, it was a typical reaction for me, responding to H's tears of despair and pleas for help.  The rescuing me reacted just as expected.  Once the decision was made and he was back home, the struggle to deal with unexpected emotions caused me incredible distress.  It was months before I realized I needed to fall back and regroup.  Separating bedrooms and going back to civil living while we both worked on our individual recovery has eased much of my anxiety.  It just has done nothing to bring me to a point of resolve regarding my marriage.  While I know H is coming to understand himself better, we still struggle so intensely in our daily interactions.  

There are time the words of scriptures come to me, reminding me of the dangers of living in chaos and commotion.  One of the pressing issues for me is to resolve the commotion of my soul with regard to my marriage.  To accomplish this, I've determined my word for the coming  year will be purpose.

purpose

* the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc

*an intended or desired result; end; aim; goal.

*determination; resoluteness

*the subject in hand; the point at issue 

*to intend; design.

*to resolve (to do something)

 *to act to good purpose

I'm not much for new year resolutions, but I do have issues to continue to work through, small projects I want to accomplish and a new year of school ahead for 2015.  No matter how the year unfolds, I do know it will not happen well without my continued recovery work and my heavy reliance on the Atonement of my Savior, Jesus Christ.  

I will continue to lean on the truths of the gospel to help guild me on the path the Lord wants me on.  Oh how the natural man in us is prone to wander, prone to be pushed off course as the tests of mortality over take us.  I've been there.  I've been lost, confused, in chaos and incredible commotion.  I want to guide myself away from that point and pray with all my heart that the intent and purpose that I have resolved myself to will be my guiding star and take me to this point next year more secure in myself and more at peace in my soul.

My prayer is that God blesses all of us with the training and tools we all need to be able to stay close to him and to his son, that peace will be abundant enough to comfort us when we are bruised by the pains of mortality, and that our search for truth will bring us the fullness of life we all search for.

Happy 2015

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