Double Whammy!

*Possible Pain Warning -- Trigger Warning -- Vent Warning



I totally understand if those red warning flags send you on your way today.  I am not always in a place to read or hear other's pain.  I would totally understand, which is why the warnings are in place.  I am also so grateful for those that read on and comment.  It blesses me in this journey.

Today is a pain day for me.  On days when the pain is bad I come here to my blog to purge and work through the issue.  This is my place of healing.  


Today is Day 89.

89 days since H turned his back on all the people he was sleeping around with.  
89 days since H quit IM'ing and sexting other women.
89 days since H quit searching hook-up sites and connecting with those women.
89 days since H quit looking at porn.

89 days for him.  
89 days of being a changed man.

On the flip side.....

89 days of trying to tell myself this shouldn't hurt me to my core this much.
89 days of trying to give it all to the Savior.
89 days of not doing it very well.

At least not for H.

H sees an unhappy, distant, wife.  He senses I'm not happy to see him or be around him.  

H sent me this text today:  "I will find a way to show you what you need, and ask Heavenly Father to give me the stamina to last with little to nothing in return for 1/4 of a century or more."

OUCH!

It's a double whammy for me.    (It's also emotional eating time after reading that.  Don't judge me while I sit here and eat Triscuits and chocolate and hurt.  Recovery sucks sometimes!)   

First the betrayal and now the lack of empathy.

It's obvious (to me now) that my marriage has been one sided where love, connection and commitment are concerned.  For 25 years I have loved a man who only loves back if he feels loved first.  

That really hard to deal with.

Now, after all I have been through, I pretty much have to beg for the same consideration.

I don't plan to hurt for the rest of my life.  I don't plan to feel anger and betrayal for the rest of my life.  I don't plan to want to run out into the middle of the road headlong into traffic every time he touches me -- for the rest of my life.

I do hurt now.  I feel all these things.  That has to be ok.  I need to acknowledge this so that I can let it go and move on.  For so many years I stuffed, I denied, I pretended.  It showed on me physically with weight gain.  I hurt physically from all the stress of this life.  I hated myself for not being true to me and for all the shame that came with this addiction.  

It's not ok with H for me to be in this space.  H feels rejection from it.  He gets quiet.  He stays in separate rooms.  He avoids coming home again.  All this does is trigger me and make my recovery worse.


I hate feeling guilted about this when I try to explain that I'm not rejecting him, I'm hurting.(Excuse me, Bud!!!....but you do remember why I hurt, right?  This isn't about a bill you forgot to pay, or some large purchase you neglected to inform me of.)  Please, can I just have a little time to hurt, to grieve over the loss of this life, relationship and marriage?


Maybe I am stuck in the anger stage of my grief cycle.  Even if I don't really feel angry, I do recognize I am not all settled with all of what happened.  

For me, I need to keep processing this trauma.  Keep doing my step-work...keep doing..keep doing...It's all I know to do right now.  

I am trying to get past it.


Now that H is back to church it feels like I'm expected to work things out with him.  We've been together all these years.  I've stayed through all of this -- why end things now?

I don't know that I want to end things. Right now, I just don't want to be intimate.  I don't want to be touched.  

H feels rejected.

I feel pushed.

I also feel like this relationship is conditional.  I feel like I have to perfectly accept and move on from all that has happened, show H love physically, and not let any of my hurt or pain show.   

And all of that feels freaking unreasonable right now!


Maybe I'm having a little tantrum here and one of my friends will call me out on this.  

I can't just 'get over this' just like an addict can't 'just stop' acting out.  

In step one in the "Healing Through Christ" manual Elder Russell M. Nelson is quoted as saying; "Addiction surrenders freedom to choose.  Through chemical means, one can literally become disconnected from his or her own will."  Elder Marvin J. Ashton went on to state that our addicted loved ones are; "prisoners within their own bodies.  Many feel totally helpless, dependent, and desperate."

In so many ways I feel the same about my side of things.  I still have my agency to choose, but so many of my thought processes and reactions are hampered by the life experiences I have had.  The length of time I've dealt with this issue has added to the prison I feel I am in.  

To my credit, I do know and see healing within myself.  Just as much as H says he's a changed man.  It's just not visible to each other yet. 


This video speaks to what I hope for -- one day.

Can I just have the time I need to get there without being pushed? 
Please.